Cracker by Damian Christie

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Cracker: Rate my Date

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  • Robyn Gallagher,

    Interweb dating - one of my favourite topics! Not that I've ever been on a date as a result of a dating website hook-up, but I enjoy lurking on NZ Dating.

    My favourite profile was from a nice but frustrated young man who had been compelled to state that he would not reply to any chicks with "angel" or "Holden" in their profile name.

    For the older gentleman, I can pass on some advice from my uncle, a widower - stay away from divorced ladies, because whatever caused their last marriage to break up is usually still there. Fortunately he found a nice widow and they're very happy together now.

    And finally, I wrote something about angels and Holdens and interweb dating recently, and got this awesome comment from one of my homeboys.

    Since Nov 2006 • 1946 posts Report Reply

  • andrew llewellyn,

    Fortunately he found a nice widow

    Let's hope that whatever caused her last marriage to break up isn't still there :)

    Never internet dated, but once, for a period of several months, managed a telephone dating service for the owner who had suffered a terrible family tragedy (was supposed to look after it for 2 weeks, he did a runner for 7 months!)

    All I can say is I hope that internet daters are less moronic than telephone daters who ring the helpdesk (brick sized mobile phone carried by me) to complain that the system wasn't working, when in fact, they were incapable of navigating a 3 option menu.

    Let's also hope that internet dating service providers are more polite to their moronic customers than I was.

    Since Nov 2006 • 2075 posts Report Reply

  • Wayne Phillips,

    So, I was sharing dating stories with a friend of mine yesterday and she sent me this. I've got consent from her to post it and i've made it deliberately vague name-wise. Enjoy

    Classic story.....
    Myself and my flatmate signed up to online dating about a month ago (in my defence, she wanted to do it but would only sign up if I did it too!).
    For the last 4 weeks she has been having daily conversations with this guy called Mr Essential. He seemed intelligent, funny, cultured bla bla, everything she was looking for. So after a month of online conversation, she agrees to meet up with him for a date. They went to a classy wine bar in the city on Friday night....enjoyed a bottle of red wine, ate fine food then went dancing. She got home about 1am swooning over how nice he was - said that he was quite hot, and the kind of guy she would like to see again.
    The next day she checks her online messages, and there is one from him saying "you're magnetic and incredibly sexy, I see us being more than friends. I had a fun time with you last night and you dance good too. There is only one person that dances better than you and that's my six year old son."


    He waited a whole month to tell her....and even then he didn't tell her on their date. He lived in China for 8 years so I suspect it's an Asian boy. Funny. She dumped him.

    Wellingtron • Since Dec 2006 • 3 posts Report Reply

  • Damian Christie,

    Maybe the moment just wasn't right on the night? She dumped him because he wasn't open/honest, or because he has a kid? The former I can understand, the latter some might consider a bit harsh.

    I do love Brendhan Lovegrove's line though: "So I have a son. I'm not with the mother anymore though - I'm just not into chicks with kids..."

    (or something like that. Funnier when he tells it).

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 1164 posts Report Reply

  • Belt,

    Met my current wife of 5 years on nz dating dot co dot nz. We have a beautiful 3 year old son and she's currently 2 days overdue with our 2nd. Prior to emailing, phone calls, and the first meeting, I did some dating from the same source. Let's just say you have to be selective, and kind.

    It's a means to an end. I have lived a lot of my life, personal, hobby and professional on the Internet. For me, finding my wife there was quite normal and have never felt any social stigma from it. But I'm easily a nerd.

    I find that people go from "you got to be kidding, really?", to being sometimes envious and curious. The alternatives to finding people aren't necessarily any less effort or risky.

    I recommend serious people to give it a try. Just be sensible - first dates are always lunch dates in public places, and no extended personal contact info is shared. Allows for a good first look-see, and both can back out with minimal risk or damage.

    (I do still chuckle at the women who just had to tell me someone was expecting them to call in one hour - I promised them to only get my axe out in 65 minutes)

    Nelson • Since Nov 2006 • 49 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    The former I can understand, the latter some might consider a bit harsh.

    I'd have dumped him for using the phrase "dance good".

    (That was tongue in cheek, BTW. Where's the Sarcasm Font when you need it?)

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4651 posts Report Reply

  • Leah,

    I'm afraid I fall into the "chicks with kids"category. But that did'nt seem to make to much difference when I signed up online with a dating agency, because I met quite a few really nice guys. Perhaps being 30 something helps, because, lets face it, most of us have either kids or at least a small carry-on size amount of baggage at this age!! The one date that sticks out for me, was the "accountant/DJ" (!!??) that I went out with. Once.
    At first sight he was at least 20kg heavier and half a metre shorter than his profile..and after drinking 3 bottles of wine whilst incessantly talking about how great he was, he took me back to his place to see his "renovations"..(I know) I think it was the 9000 inch TV that caused the most alarm. And after sitting facing me with fingers steepled, he misread my horror at him, as a sort of shy unreadiness for how great he really was. "I can see you're not ready for this.." he said softly. I asked him to take me home. On the way he says "Can you sing? Because I can.." and then horrifyingly, he launched into a terrifying falsetto "By the look in your eyes, I can tell your gonna it over me...?!"
    I dug my nails into my arm to stop the pain, and after he stopped singing I was home, and I said " Er, thankyou..see you later"
    "Maybe.." he said with a smirk and one raised eyebrow.
    "Maybe." Still, I was unperturbed, and have met my guy since, we've been together for nearly three years now, and as long as he takes his medication, we're sweet as!

    Auckland • Since Dec 2006 • 1 posts Report Reply

  • Richard Wain,

    so Belt of Nelson, if you met your

    >current wife of 5 years on nz dating dot co dot nz. We have a beautiful 3 year old son and she's currently 2 days overdue with our 2nd

    then did the wife-to-be tick the “Wants to have children within two years” box? or did it just happen? c'mon Belt, let it out.

    and how about that biological clock eh? must be a bitch to sleep with that fcker ticktockticktocking away all night... there's always adoption ladies!

    African babies are the cutest anyway (just ask Madge).

    Since Nov 2006 • 155 posts Report Reply

  • Joanna,

    Internet dating sites? Do people still use those? I thought it was all about the myspace now, and the "THANX FOR THA AD" as the foreplay.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 746 posts Report Reply

  • Danielle,

    My experience combines two varieties of intense nerdliness: I met my husband on an Elvis Costello discussion list.

    Yes, I feel somewhat sheepish about this.

    Charo World. Cuchi-cuchi!… • Since Nov 2006 • 3828 posts Report Reply

  • vish,

    Why would you fill out the 'wants to have children' box at all??? I recently joined the hell that is Myspace, and it automatically chooses 'does not want children' as a profile option even if you don't tick that box. I've left it up there, but I've neglected to post a Tui commercial in somewhere on my page to truly dissuade potential stalkers...

    Advice re-Yeah Right duly noted. I'll stop applying that in my posts about Bainimarama etc.

    Auckland • Since Dec 2006 • 1 posts Report Reply

  • matthewbuchanan,

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 163 posts Report Reply

  • andrew llewellyn,

    Ha ha!

    Yeah, I can confirm that "I'm on TV" works for me (slightly less often than "I'm an airline pilot" though.

    Since Nov 2006 • 2075 posts Report Reply

  • David Slack,

    I'm Leonardo de Caprio. I played that pilot you saw on TV last week.

    Devonport • Since Nov 2006 • 599 posts Report Reply

  • andrew llewellyn,

    Wow! A movie star, on TV AND a pilot. The trifecta!

    Since Nov 2006 • 2075 posts Report Reply

  • spinster,

    A while ago, during a particulary boring afternoon at work, I too found myself enjoying a brief foray into online dating.
    Like all good internet daters, I believe that honesty and sincerity in a profile is the only way to go. I was not at all surprised then that my declaration as a cynical spinster, with a houseful of cats and a venerated collection of antimacassars was well received.
    Alas, I was not so impressed with what was on offer.
    The male equivalent of the desperate ovaries, must be the desperate and overly nice. I came across a few too many dolphin loving, beach-walking, chick-flick connossieurs than should be allowed in any one place as representative of their gender.
    In the interests of helping out the odd bloke who's aiming for someone who can crochet a decent set of car-covers, and bakes a sponge better than his mother... lie, lie, lie. At least you'll sound more interesting.

    auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 3 posts Report Reply

  • Robyn Gallagher,

    I came across a few too many dolphin loving, beach-walking, chick-flick connossieurs than should be allowed in any one place as representative of their gender.

    There is an unusually high number of men on dating sites who claim to like beach walking and wine drinking.

    Both are fine activities, but in the context of a dating website, it takes on cliched undertones. I suppose it's a shorthand way of saying "look at me!!!1 im romantic and cultured!!!!111"

    Since Nov 2006 • 1946 posts Report Reply

  • spinster,

    Well even forgetting the faux romantic and cultured stance, if you're on one of those sites and you don't have photoshop, you're probably a bit buggered anyway.

    auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 3 posts Report Reply

  • Zippy Gonzales,

    The only date I wrangled out of interweb dating kept saying that she was running out of guys to bonk in Wellington. I would have quite easily muffled that warning bell if only she didn't have an arse like Fat Bastard's.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 186 posts Report Reply

  • Stephen Judd,

    I had to laugh when I was in the newsagents earlier and saw that Truth's shock-horror cover story for this week is that internet dating is ruining the sex industry through declining demand.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 3122 posts Report Reply

  • Belt,

    Richard Wain, to answer you question - I was 36 at the time, she was 28, we both had no children, and both wanted them.

    Sometimes guys have a clock too I guess ;)

    Our frustration has been difficulty in concieving. First attempt took two and a half years, 2nd took one and a half years and miscarried, 3rd one took 8 weeks. (I guess I'm getting the hang of it now).

    It's easy enough to find yourself an "instant family" without the difficulty of conception, birth and nappies. That's why I was looking for a "ok, I have proven I can do the career thing, what's next?" woman. Capable, smart, financially independent, ready to settle down and get to business, yet capable of supporting me in mine - now ours. :)

    I make it sound like I did all that on purpose - on purpose.

    Nah. Sometimes I'm just lucky.

    Nelson • Since Nov 2006 • 49 posts Report Reply

  • Cactus Kate,


    For goodness sake, you have a blog, you work in the media.

    What the hell do you need to go looking for a date on an internet site??

    I mean the whole purpose of being famous or even mildly is that members of the opposite sex are shallowly attracted to you by watching you on TV or even reading something you write in a newspaper or on the internet.

    Christ, the whole reason I started a blog was to create my whole personalised online dating opportunity. I have taken advantage of readers shallowness several times now, with reasonable success. They have not all been nutters.

    I suggest you simply use the medium to which you work.


    Hong Kong • Since Dec 2006 • 9 posts Report Reply

  • andrew llewellyn,

    I mean the whole purpose of being famous or even mildly is that members of the opposite sex are shallowly attracted to you by watching you on TV or even reading something you write in a newspaper or on the internet.

    Actually, Kate's kind of right - Damian, you need to get out of current affairs & onto Shortland Street pronto!

    I have taken advantage of readers shallowness several times now, with reasonable success. They have not all been nutters

    Ha ha! Is this supposed to be reassuring?

    Since Nov 2006 • 2075 posts Report Reply

  • Nais,

    Been on FSO for a few months following long term relationship break up and 18 months by myself. I've messaged a few people, met some really nice guys and think that in this day and age, it beats hanging around bars looking dateless and desperate!

    Yes you have to sift through some real losers and the 'only want to be friends' who actually 'only want to get you into bed' types but spending a few evenings online, emailing for a few weeks getting to know them before meeting and actually makes meeting up much easier and you don't meet face to face unless you think there's good reason to.

    Who knows you might just find Mr Right! I know several couples who met online and have ended up getting together and are now planning weddings...

    Auckland • Since Dec 2006 • 22 posts Report Reply

  • Gary Tayler,

    Be-jay-sus Damien you are a cranky so and so...

    However I'll freely share my Internet dating experiences. I started out trying Internet dating as I'd returned from working in the UK, spent a year on full-time study and had essentially a limited pool of friends to introduce me to new people. For me it was a case of jumping in and seeing what happened, the key to getting attention online was to be honest and treat it all with a bit of humour, the more earnest you or anybody else was, the more likely your profile would be consigned to the back of the cupboard behind the tin of Oak beetroot.

    When it came to the actual meeting of people things became a little more wayward, this is when you find that the labelling often does not match the contents. Sometimes you'll be missing an ingredient or two, something may have been added that was not originally in there (occasional an ingredient you suspect that should have never been added under any circumstances) and it's amazing how often the contents did not match the expiry or use by date.

    Saying that it I kept at it for a good while, had a medium term relationship and when that ended, leapt back online for another round of checking contents against the labels, so much so that I was beginning to feel that I was working for the Consumers Institute.

    Then after many email exchanges I met Carla, who was pretty much as described, with the one exception being that she was taller than perceived on the labelling... or maybe I'm crap with perception vs. actuality when it comes to height.

    Our first meeting got off to a good start, it was during work time and I said I'd be away for 20mins... two hours later I returned to my desk. It's been almost five years since then a house purchase, a sale and another purchase, a wedding and yes Damien impregnation and resulting children.

    The bit we both still marvel on is without online dating we'd have never met, our lives would be different and Olle and Rose would not exist - cheesy, maybe, but I'm happy with my life.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 9 posts Report Reply

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