Southerly by David Haywood

Nurse! NURSE!!

Geez, did an astrologer kick your puppy or something?

I'm an Aquarius and I was just wondering whether the dwarfs who are going to drive fish-hooks under my knee-caps also happen to be lesbian? Undoubtedly an unlucky day for me, but it could perhaps be a lucky day for Public Address.

Brilliant!

Do you do birthday astrology too? It's my birthday on Monday, and I would like to know what the year holds for me.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO HAVE CHILDREN!!

I'm on the cusp of Sagittarius and Capricorn. Does this mean I will get two books and CDs? If so, is it OK if I give the extra set to the Red Cross op shop? And if they refuse them, can I just throw them in the bin?

Jen Hay wrote:

I'm an Aquarius and I was just wondering whether the dwarfs who are going to drive fish-hooks under my knee-caps also happen to be lesbian?

Hi Jen,

You clearly have no psychic talent -- what a preposterous suggestion!

The dwarfs will be heterosexual. The knife-wielding midgets who will disinter your headless corpse (to use for role-playing in their consciousness-raising group) will be lesbian. But that won't be until next month.

Robyn Gallagher wrote:

I'm on the cusp of Sagittarius and Capricorn. Does this mean I will get two books and CDs?

Oh, Robyn, Robyn, dear sweet Robyn... if only the mysteries of the stars and planets were as simple as your innocent girlish analysis. But then I suppose we can't all be New Zealand's most famous and most accurate astrologer.

How do you feel about homicidal line-dancing clowns in Paul Holmes masks singing songs from the 'Paul Holmes' album while dancing along Mt Eden road with your head on a stick?

Deborah wrote:

Do you do birthday astrology too? It's my birthday on Monday, and I would like to know what the year holds for me.

Hi Deborah,

I see myself as a 'good news' astrologer, i.e. someone who prefers to concentrate on positive harmonic vibrations rather than negative. If the planets reveal bad news (and, don't forget, all my predictions come with a 100 per cent guarantee of accuracy) then I generally prefer to avoid the subject.

Oh David, now my obsession with death-rays seem practically philanthropic in comparison... (more humane, certainly)

And who am I to argue? You're a scientist and an astrologer. You know this shit. I will await the dwarfs.

Oh man, thats just not fair....

All you guys n gals get to die horribly unspeakable (but fascinatingly spectacular) deaths and all I get is a stupid book and CD.

I know some would call it a fate worse than death, but still...

It's ok. I'm a Contrarian.

You're a scientist and an astrologer. You know this shit.

Yep, it's hard to argue with all that scientific rigour stuff.

Just an observation: As no one is born under the sign of 'Note:' I think we dismiss the prediction listed for it...

How do you feel about homicidal line-dancing clowns in Paul Holmes masks singing songs from the 'Paul Holmes' album while dancing along Mt Eden road with your head on a stick?

That would be rool awesome. Mt Eden needs something to put itself on the map - something big and monumental. I think this is it!!!!!!!

PEOPLE LIKE YOU SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO HAVE CHILDREN!!

People like him should be required to have children.

I'm also an Aquarius. I shall await the midgets eagerly.

Geminis tend to be physically very tall or very short -- although many Geminis are also of average height.

That is just spookily accurate about every single Gemini I know.

As a careful Piscean I have now strapped lengths of 4 x 2 across my (already Christmas Holiday Inflated) arse in an attempt to prevent a fall down a coal mine.

Thanks for the heads up!

As an unmarried Aries with an aversion to tea, I would seem to be uniquely safe from worry this month.
Except that I don't believe in astrology.
Bugger.

Such cruel and unusual punishment! I was born on January 9...which makes me a ?...but I usually say that I was born under a motel sign (a cheap motel, somewhere in Taranaki I suspect)

rrr woof woof!

Apologies for the delay in replying to comments on this thread. I haven't been able to reach the PA site for the last couple of days (for some reason).

dyan campbell wrote:

> Geminis tend to be physically very tall or very
> short -- although many Geminis are also of average
> height

That is just spookily accurate about every single Gemini I know

You'll be pleased to hear that this is a genuine statement from an astrology book (slightly reworded) on physical characteristics associated with star signs.

Peter Hunter wrote:

As a careful Piscean I have now strapped lengths of 4 x 2 across my (already Christmas Holiday Inflated) arse in an attempt to prevent a fall down a coal mine.

Very wise, Peter. In my background research for this piece (if that's the appropriate term) I discovered that I am also a Piscean. Personally I have strapped a 5 metre ladder horizontally across my shoulders. It makes getting through doorways a bit tricky, but the added safety -- in terms of mine shaft accidents -- is fully worth it.

Keith Ng wrote:

Oh David, now my obsession with death-rays seem practically philanthropic in comparison... (more humane, certainly)

Nice try, Keith, but I have no personal input into these predictions -- I'm merely revealing what is already predetermined by the stars and planets.

Incidentally (and this may or may not be a prediction) I had a dream that you were married to Billie Piper. In my dream (or prediction) it was on the cover page of the Listener. The headline read "Billie Piper's New Man'. I did a double-take at the photo, and then I was like: "Fuck me, that's Keith Ng". My next thought was: "Poor Keith, I guess he hasn't heard her sing." You also had a beard -- as, curiously, did David Slack, in my dream (or prediction) about him.

I'm not 100 per cent guaranteeing your marriage to Billie Piper as a dead cert, but I am willing to make the call on the beard (sooner or later). At any rate -- with her experience on Dr Who -- Billie should be able to help you with any death-ray plans that you may have.

A final note, of course, is that none of these predictions apply to the relatively new star signs of 'Contrarian/Linux user'.

As a careful Piscean I have now strapped lengths of 4 x 2 across my (already Christmas Holiday Inflated) arse in an attempt to prevent a fall down a coal mine.

Piscean attempting first winter ascent of North face of Denali.

**Solo attempt for first winter ascent on Denali's north side: "He walks with a ladder," pilot says**

“Former construction worker Artur Testov left for Kantishna on December 21 and began the hike to the base of the peak. This is the first solo climb of the north side of Mount McKinley; it has never been attempted in the winter, receiving no sunlight at all and with temperatures down to 60 below, a spokesman told ExplorersWeb.

Artur is hiking through 25 miles of Alaskan tundra in order to reach the base of the huge Wickersham Wall.

Prior to his 1998 success; Artur made a 1997 January attempt on the peak which was aborted after he fell in a crevasse at 14,000 feet.

This time, he carries an 8 foot ladder: "He walks with the ladder. He took one rung out and he stands in that hole, you know, and his backpack's on the top of his back," the pilot told ktuu.com. “

Very wise, Peter. In my background research for this piece (if that's the appropriate term) I discovered that I am also a Piscean. Personally I have strapped a 5 metre ladder horizontally across my shoulders. It makes getting through doorways a bit tricky, but the added safety -- in terms of mine shaft accidents -- is fully worth it.

Just so we understand these are very wise words and the practice more common than you might think, I worked with this Piscean
in the late ‘80s.

“My traveling rig was unusual: two sleds hooked in tandem towed by a
14 foot aluminum ladder suspended from my pack. This was my insurance
against a crevasse fall. At first, it took me five minutes to climb in. After lining
everything up, I would step in between the middle rungs of the ladder and strap on my skis. Then I would hoist the pack up, leaving the ladder suspended around my waist. Hooking my sit harness into the ladder was the final step before I lurched off along the glacier. The whole carnival train, all 21 feet of it, would have been an amusing sight if anyone had been around to see it.”

I never saw him wearing his ladder in New Zealand but he assured me it was standard practice where he came from.

I'm a Capricorn. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!

<After lining everything up, I would step in between the middle rungs of the ladder and strap on my skis. Then I would hoist the pack up, leaving the ladder suspended around my waist.>

This practice was discontinued after Artur Testov inadvertently suspended the ladder with one rung between his legs. He later underwent a name change to Arfur Bolokoff.

There's another astute astrologer operating out of the The Daily Mash.