Southerly by David Haywood


January 2008 Will be a Bad Month for All Star-signs

Your spouse will bring you a nice cup of tea this evening. But don't drink it -- it's been laced with rat poison.

Your neighbour will have finally had enough of your stupid dance music. When you answer the door he'll split your skull open with a claw-hammer. You won't stand a chance.

Geminis tend to be physically very tall or very short -- although many Geminis are also of average height. At any rate, regardless of your height, you'll never see that truck coming. It'll snap your neck like a celery stick. You won't be so pleased with your fancy convertible car after that!

You should watch out for icy footpaths this month. But it won't do you any good -- you'll still slip and break your wrist. Luckily you'll be able to call an ambulance with your cellphone, but on the way to the hospital the ambulance will crash. You'll 'technically' survive the crash, but in the ensuing inferno you'll be barbecued like a suckling pig.

You'll wish you'd kept your tetanus jab up to date after you step on that rusty nail. But by then it'll be too late, won't it? There's not a thing doctors can do once you've contracted tetanus. Even the slightest noise will send you into paroxysms of pain. The doctors will have to pry open your jaws with a crowbar to get food and water down your throat. But, of course, that will merely prolong your last few excruciating days of life. And all because you "couldn't be bothered" to get that little injection -- you stupid wanker.


This month a troupe of line-dancing clowns will strip you naked, tie you to a post in the town square, and flick you with wet towels. Then they'll decapitate you with a pair of giant 'humorous' scissors, and dance around the outskirts of town with your head on a stick.

A group of steam engine enthusiasts will take you to a large children's slide, which they have lined with cheese graters. They will repeatedly force you down the slide until every scrap of skin has been flayed from your buttocks. Then they'll squirt your buttocks with lemon juice. And then they'll drive over your head with a steam-roller.

Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn
All three of these star-signs will receive a parcel containing a copy of Paul Holmes's autobiography and self-titled CD.

You will be kidnapped by dwarfs who will take you to the top of a tall building and drive fish-hooks under your kneecaps. They'll attach rope to the fish-hooks and then throw you off the building. Halfway through your fall the ropes will tighten and tear off your kneecaps. Then, when you hit the ground, the rapid deceleration will cause your head to smash apart like a ripe watermelon.

At the beginning of this month you'll fall down a coal mine, and break both legs. Unable to walk, you'll gradually become weaker and weaker as the month progresses. Eventually you'll be unable to fend off the hordes of ravenous rats -- who'll begin to devour you while you're still alive, and fully conscious. No-one will care.

Note: David Haywood is New Zealand's most famous and most accurate astrologer.

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