Speaker by Various Artists

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Speaker: My First Job

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  • David Haywood,

    Very nice writing, Sally. I laughed and then felt slightly depressed when I remembered the sorts of things one ends up doing as a teenager. Not that, in my case, of course, quite the opposite. Perhaps I should stop writing at this point.

    Dunsandel • Since Nov 2006 • 1156 posts Report Reply

  • Jolisa,

    Brava! Hopefully the first in a series of instalments of the spin-off blog we have all been waiting for: Pubic Address.

    Shakespeare failed to include the words 'blow job' in any of his sonnets, or even to liven-up the duller patches in Hamlet with a fellatio scene.

    Actually, you're not far off. There is the moment in Hamlet, Act III Scene 4, when Hamlet's father's ghost says:

    But look, amazement on thy mother sits.

    which is rendered in some versions as:

    But, look, amazement sits on your mother’s face.

    Auckland, NZ • Since Nov 2006 • 1472 posts Report Reply

  • Jolisa,

    S'pose it only really works if Amazement is capitalised and thus mistakable for a character.

    </shakespearejokefail>

    Auckland, NZ • Since Nov 2006 • 1472 posts Report Reply

  • Stephen Judd,

    I believe this story is not complete without WHY and WHAT.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 3122 posts Report Reply

  • David Haywood,

    Hopefully the first in a series of instalments of the spin-off blog we have all been waiting for: Pubic Address.

    It was only my eagle eyes that prevented us from registering www.pubicaddressbooks.com -- and, of course, I'm sorry that we didn't now.

    And I must say, Jolisa, that this post rather raises the bar for your claim as the biggest hedonist on Public Address. I think the next stage is upping the ante with a new byline "Busytown: Jolisa Gracewood drinks, chews tobacco, blasphemes, and wears make-up."

    Dunsandel • Since Nov 2006 • 1156 posts Report Reply

  • Russell Brown,

    I had been hoping for something more instructional, I confess. Perhaps a follow-up?

    'My first blow-job once I'd really got the hang of it'?

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 22756 posts Report Reply

  • Jolisa,

    It was only my eagle eyes that prevented us from registering www.pubicaddressbooks.com -- and, of course, I'm sorry that we didn't now.

    Not too late, I hope? An anthology along those lines could be our best-selling title so far. I'm sure we've all got a few stories up our, er, sleeves.

    this post rather raises the bar for your claim as the biggest hedonist on Public Address.

    Yes; uneasy lies the head that wears the crown. Even if it's made out of tinfoil and string.

    It just occurred to me that while it is Sunday evening where I am (perfect time of the week for a little indulgence in the genre of comic erotica), most PA readers will be happily choking on their Weetbix at the thought of

    a giant penis for breakfast

    Auckland, NZ • Since Nov 2006 • 1472 posts Report Reply

  • Robyn Gallagher,

    Did Sally take the same community night school creative non-fiction writing workshop as David?

    Raglan • Since Nov 2006 • 1946 posts Report Reply

  • David Haywood,

    Did Sally take the same community night school creative non-fiction writing workshop as David?

    Russell, Sally, and I have been emailing this morning and -- funnily enough -- I just sent the following message:

    Probably some of the comments will be quite annoying, but we're only going to allow you two types of response:

    1. Ignore them.

    2. Reply in a manner so polite and reasonable that it makes the person who wrote the comment look even worse.

    I've occasionally departed from these rules (as, I'm sure, so has Russell) and have had plenty of time to regret that I did, and wished that I hadn't (as, I'm sure, so has Russell).

    So "No comment", Robyn.

    Dunsandel • Since Nov 2006 • 1156 posts Report Reply

  • DexterX,

    Oh I see what you are trying to say, the inaugural blowjob marked the beginning of a great institution celebrated by a daily ritual. - Got it in one no less.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 1224 posts Report Reply

  • Jackie Clark,

    Oh. Oh, oh, oh. Too much of my younger self entirely in that post to laugh too heartily.

    In a marriage, it is important, above all else, not to make things worse than they are already.

    A truer word was never said, by Shakespeare or anyone else.

    Mt Eden, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 3136 posts Report Reply

  • Robyn Gallagher,

    I think I've offended David and/or Sally with my comment and I'm not sure why.

    Their writing style is similar, is all I mean. This is not a bad thing!

    Raglan • Since Nov 2006 • 1946 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    It was only my eagle eyes that prevented us from registering www.pubicaddressbooks.com -- and, of course, I'm sorry that we didn't now.

    I am very grateful that when, say, writing return addresses on parcels of books:

    - it's very easy to turn an i into an l if you catch it in time, and
    - it's very easy to slip an l in between the b and i if you don't.

    'Fine by me, just as long as my penis isn't involved'

    Oh, man, how many times have we heard that one?

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4650 posts Report Reply

  • Russell Brown,

    I think I've offended David and/or Sally with my comment and I'm not sure why.

    I thought David was being ironical. Possibly not. I know you didn't mean any ill.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 22756 posts Report Reply

  • Ian Dalziel,

    bob-a-job... blanket coverage!

    Hopefully the first in a series of instalments of the spin-off blog we have all been waiting for:

    Public Undress...
    air your soiled linen


    pianist en vie...
    Meanwhile I hear the Liberace Museum in Las Vegas is closing... another sign of the impending final days....

    Christchurch • Since Dec 2006 • 7889 posts Report Reply

  • sally jones,

    Rest assured you haven't offended me Robyn. With my experience of offensive things, it takes a little more than a slight about the night school David and I attended in our formative years to learn - together - how better to deal with any further offensive things that should arise in the future. I believe the value of these classes shows in my case, but I cannot speak for David's development since he moved south and and we lost touch...

    Auckland • Since Sep 2010 • 179 posts Report Reply

  • uroskin,

    As a member of the Ancient Guild of Knob Gobblers I would take issue with the recommendation not to eat anything for 24 hours prior to the engagement. A light refreshment of nutritious intake (a protein bar, say, or even a bar of dark chocolate) would not only get you in the mood but also ensure stamina for the task ahead.
    And as Shakespeare surely knew too: practice makes perfect.

    Waiheke Island • Since Feb 2007 • 178 posts Report Reply

  • Russell Brown,

    the night school David and I attended in our formative years to learn - together

    I think David's problem was that he believed them when they said the course fees would soon repay themselves in commissions from grateful editors.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 22756 posts Report Reply

  • Stephen Judd,

    Ancient Guild of Knob Gobblers

    That august body is notoriously tight-lipped.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 3122 posts Report Reply

  • Russell Brown,

    That august body is notoriously tight-lipped.

    But they'll swallow anything.

    (It appears that #surnamegenitalia has permanently affected me.)

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 22756 posts Report Reply

  • Russell Brown,

    As a member of the Ancient Guild of Knob Gobblers I would take issue with the recommendation not to eat anything for 24 hours prior to the engagement. A light refreshment of nutritious intake (a protein bar, say, or even a bar of dark chocolate) would not only get you in the mood but also ensure stamina for the task ahead.

    Dairy products. Yes or no?

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 22756 posts Report Reply

  • Geoff Lealand,

    Come, on guys! This is all getting out of hand!

    Screen & Media Studies, U… • Since Oct 2007 • 2539 posts Report Reply

  • Kyle Matthews,

    This is all getting out of hand!

    Hand to mouth surely?

    Since Nov 2006 • 6243 posts Report Reply

  • uroskin,

    Dairy products. Yes or no?

    Unsweetened yoghurt. The recipient of the blowjob will experience a smooth and cooling effect. Beer has a similar effect but make sure you burp before you blow.
    Why doesn't Wendyll Nissen discuss this in her food columns?

    Waiheke Island • Since Feb 2007 • 178 posts Report Reply

  • David Haywood,

    Oh dear, Robyn -- my sincere apologies for misunderstanding the nature of your comment.

    What with earthquakes, no sewerage, Tower Insurance, the Christchurch City Council (No) Help Line, various medical issues, and the fact that members of the band Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich have been spying on me via miniature cameras inserted in vegetables, I seem to be getting a little paranoid. Particularly with respect to possible dissing of guest writers on Public Address.

    Again, Robyn, I send forth a gigantic "sorry" in your direction. And furthermore, I shall issue you with a big platonic hug as recompense when I next see you. Or, rather, I shall get my people to whom I subcontract my platonic hugging (namely Russell Brown and Emma Hart) to do so.

    To sum up: Sally, I hope you now see my deliberate mistake, and the problems that can be caused by breaking our rules of engagement. As a wise man once said (at about 10:30 this morning):

    I've occasionally departed from these rules and have had plenty of time to regret that I did, and wished that I hadn't.

    Well done on not falling for our cunningly-contrived trap! You've passed with flying colours.

    Dunsandel • Since Nov 2006 • 1156 posts Report Reply

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