Southerly by David Haywood


This Week in Parliament: 14 December 2014 - 19 December 2014

Public Address presents our weekly round-up of the important events in parliament.


Another political firestorm threatened to erupt this week when a series of hacked emails appeared to show that Prime Minister John Key has been corresponding with satanic groups in Helensville.

“I probably am,” says Mr Key, who describes the emails as “completely untrue in every way”.

“It’s normal that MPs correspond with their constituents. I have email exchanges with lots of people.”

But the prime minister has doused any potential scandal by pointing out that he was holidaying in Hawaii at the time. “There’s no way that I could receive New Zealand emails from that far away,” he points out. “And that means I’m fully exonerated. It’s all just another misunderstanding.”


Some left-wing commentators have raised concerns not only about the existence of the emails, but also their content, especially an email exchange which dealt with the politically-sensitive subject of sacrificing human babies.

In a message sent on 24th November 2014, the prime minister appeared to respond approvingly to the leader (or ‘CEO’) of a satanic group by saying: “Sacrificing a human baby would be such a rush. I’m often given babies to hold, and wish I could keep a syringe of live Ebola virus in my pocket just so I could give them a jab. Dunno why I want to do it. Kicks, I guess? At the end of the day the babies are asking for it. Hail Satan!”

Politically Correct Hysteria

But John Key has dismissed criticism of this email as “just the usual politically correct hysteria”. He says that daily exchanges of hundreds of emails, txts, and pxts with Satanists from Helensville is simply a normal part of his job as prime minister.

“I don’t recall sending that email—though you’d have to check with the babies. Could be that the ‘I’ in the email actually refers to the prime minister’s office rather than me personally. I mean, I guess I could theoretically ask my staff, but frankly I’m just not bothered.”

Noam Chomsky: “It Never Happened”

Climate expert and critical thinker, Mike Hoskings (often described as New Zealand’s answer to Noam Chomsky), has leapt to the prime minister’s defence.

“It never happened. Fact. Just another deranged left-wing theory. Fact. End of.”

Hoskings has called for a full non-partisan investigation. “The best way to discover the truth is a royal commission run by talk-back radio hosts,” he says. “Only by hunting down and punishing the hacker can we bring closure to these patently false allegations. Fact. End of.”

The Year 3000

In light of political developments this week—now being dubbed ‘exoneration-gate’—the National Party has experienced its biggest-ever monthly surge in opinion polls, with some political commentators predicting that the government will remain in power until 3000AD.

“The public now understands that John Key is in complete control of the Ebola crisis,” says Hoskings. “And they also realize that he’s in touch with ordinary New Zealanders such as babies.”

Pope Francis

Hoskings observes that the prime minister’s popularity has entirely transcended that of an ordinary politician.

“His presence is now verging on papal,” claims Hoskings. “God knows whenever John Key appears on my show I have an overpowering urge to get down on my knees and kiss his ring.”

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