Southerly by David Haywood

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Southerly: Late for What?

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  • Don Christie,

    would surely produce a newborn that's more appealing than your standard infant.

    To whom?

    The parents get some sort chemical reaction happening that makes this screaming ball of screwed up skin seem like the 1st Wonder of the World.

    Non-parents don't get the same reaction, nor did nature intend them to.

    Trust me on this one.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 1645 posts Report

  • Stephen Judd,

    Did I understand that last para right? Mazel tov!

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 3122 posts Report

  • Rob Stowell,

    We await cute photos and complete recanting. It may not seem possible now, but nature is quite implacable about this. Familiarity doesn't breed contempt, it breeds families... ;-}

    Whakaraupo • Since Nov 2006 • 2120 posts Report

  • Craig Ranapia,

    OK, admission of shameful adolescent arseholism: There was a girl in my 7th form class, by the name of Maxi (sort for Maxine) who got stuck with the nickname 'Maxi Pad'. Not surprisingly, she developed a Jedi-like ability for causing great pain with a minimum of effort.)

    Do parents ever consider how inventively vicious children and teenagers are when naming their hellspawn?

    North Shore, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 12370 posts Report

  • Josh Addison,

    Re: Unfortunate names, things get even stickier in cross-cultural situations. I know a couple of teachers who have had as students polynesian girls called Vagina (pronounced "vangeena" with a hard G). Of course in such cases, you can't blame the parent -- unlike, say, the guy I know, who, chortling at his own perceived originality, announced his plans to give his daughter the middle name Danger, so she could say -- get this -- she could say that Danger was her middle name. Oh, the mirth. I'm pretty sure that never happened in the end.

    Of course, as with most things, celebrities are to blame. Pilot Inspektor Lee? Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette? Think of the children!

    Onehunga, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 298 posts Report

  • Rob Stowell,

    Do parents ever consider how inventively vicious children and teenagers are when naming their hellspawn?

    Parents do consider this. And one thing you consider is that human ingenuity is quite perverse and knows no bounds, so noone is safe. You might think, say, Haywood or Ranapia were "safe" names, but hand them to a bunch of 13-year-olds with time on their hands...
    In a way the obviously unfortunate names just deny a child's peers the use of this ingenuity. I went to school with a Wayne Kerr, poor soul. And there was also a lad called Warrren Pierce, not funny you might think, but oh how we laffed.

    Whakaraupo • Since Nov 2006 • 2120 posts Report

  • Hadyn Green,

    Congratulations! I love the way she said "dude".

    Some actual, real, honest-to-gods names my friends and I encountered growing up.

    Twins: Benson and Hedges
    Wayne King (1984 Sports Boy at Otumoetai College, name etched forever on a board hanging above the hall)
    Moro Barsley

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 2090 posts Report

  • Hadyn Green,

    Wait a minute...Padme and Anakin!

    Isn't it much much worse that the woman named her children after lovers! I mean all jokes about Christchurch aside, that's creepy.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 2090 posts Report

  • lovisa,

    I know a woman who's grandma named her the maori transliteration of Camelia.



    auckland • Since Jun 2007 • 1 posts Report

  • Deborah,

    Congratulations, David. That's fantastic.

    New Lynn • Since Nov 2006 • 1447 posts Report

  • Ian MacKay,

    In about 12 months the Haywoods will proudly enter a sure- fire winner for a Beautiful baby Competition and will commit murder on any misguided Judge who does not recognize the obvious superlative beauty of their child over all other contenders. You wait!!!

    Bleheim • Since Nov 2006 • 498 posts Report

  • Steve Reeves,

    Ricky Gervais (quite a name in itself!) was on Parkinson (from a few years ago but shown here recently) and was asked whether he wanted children. He said something like: "I'd be into adopting an 18 year old lawyer, but apart from that...nah!".

    Near Donny Park, Hamilton… • Since Apr 2007 • 94 posts Report

  • Tom Semmens,

    Like the moon landing or the Kennedy assassination, I will always remember vividly the day I first heard an exasperated mum in the Max shop at Dressmart in Onehunga say "Paris Hilton <insert surname here>" stop that right now!" The floor tilted. My head spun. My eyes lost focus. Then she caught me staring and I shamefacedly dropped my head and scuttled off, fumbling for my mobile. And then I called eveyone I had in my contacts list.

    Sevilla, Espana • Since Nov 2006 • 2217 posts Report

  • David Haywood,

    Stephen, Rob, Hadyn, Deborah, and Ian,

    Thanks for the kind words! All joking aside, we are incredibly pleased and happy. Although, admittedly, there is also a very large dollop of panic.


    'Moro Barsley' is superb (my mum will be delighted).

    Dunsandel • Since Nov 2006 • 1156 posts Report

  • Sharon Topliss,

    Congratulations. Naming is a tricky thing but the one thing my beloved and I agreed on when naming our kids was that they would have his last name (for reasons that should be obvious). And as one of the most unparentally inclined people on the planet I can honestly say it is different when they are your own (you can't give them back for one thing). Hope all goes well.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 6 posts Report

  • Job Rustenhoven,

    relax. babies also...

    sleep beatifically on your chest while you listen to
    'a prairie home companion' for two hours.

    light up when they see you in a way no one else ever will

    and laugh uncontrollably at your silliest slapstick schtick

    one thing you'll never be is bored. but meanwhile, find a copy
    of momus' i hate his majesty the baby and indulge for a few months. opening verse:

    Crooked smiles, twisted eyes and a toothless grin

    I hate his majesty the baby
    His bowels and bladder uncontrolled
    Sitting astride a throne of nappies
    As though his shit were made of gold
    As though a cherub on a fountain
    He suckles breasts as big as mountains
    Then pisses freely on the women
    Who so lovingly surround him

    Dunedin • Since Jun 2007 • 3 posts Report

  • Don Christie,

    3. boring


    Oh, and you know that look on folks' faces when Superman flies in to save the world? You get to be Superman, for a short while.

    4. Goes wrong too easily

    Yes. Lap up the good times.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 1645 posts Report

  • Kim Wilson,

    Crikey - big congrats!

    Nth Canty • Since Dec 2006 • 28 posts Report

  • Hansel Dunlop,


    I personally appreciate having a name that is completely unique in NZ. I get a bit of low grade hassling from people when I first meet them and any woman I'm with inevitably has to put up with being asked if "she's Gretel" but I wouldn't give it up for anything.

    And I'm so glad that I'm not called David Haywood Jnr the 3rd or whatever boring (if it 'aint in the bible I'm not using it!) label everyone else thinks would be most appropriate for your soon to be bundle of joy.

    Go and listen to "A Boy Named Sue" and tell me there 'aint some truth in it. It's taught me to have a thick skin and a (very, very, very small) understanding of what it might be like to be actually different than the majority of people around you.

    I must also give some kind of big ups to whoever wrote the script to Zoolander: "That Hansel, he's so hot right now", is a way better conversation starter than "Where's Gretel".

    Auckland, NZ • Since Nov 2006 • 14 posts Report

  • Bart Janssen,

    What goes wrong with people's brains when they have a baby?

    And people wonder how to get ideas for the science spot on the radio show?

    Quite simply the female parent is swamped by hormones that affect her brain (actually studies have shown that rather than "baby brain" reducing memory it enhances it) all designed to make her NOT drown the parasite that is going to take over her life.

    And just to be fair the pheromones that the male parent gets from mother and baby do the same.

    Against that background of abnormal (normal?) brain biology, you really think namng gets that many brains cells attention??

    And grats, I'm sure given your reluctance you'll produce a wonderful new human.

    Can we run a competition to name your child?


    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 4461 posts Report

  • Michael Savidge,

    Being a kid-hater, and smug-as-hell about my plentiful sleep and discretionary spending, I fail to understand the appeal of spawning. I'd much rather spend the money on books...

    All I ask is from those who just have to produce a kid to feel complete, is to remember that a) you are not particulary clever in having done so and b) the world does not revolve around your pride and joy.

    Oh, and keep the wee shits out of public until they can be trusted to shut the fuck up.

    Somewhere near Wellington… • Since Nov 2006 • 324 posts Report

  • Don Christie,

    Can we run a competition to name your child?


    Oh, you were asking for permission.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 1645 posts Report

  • Thom James,

    I went to school with a guy called Richard Staines. You'd take the potential for a child's formative years to be made an utter misery into consideration when naming them, surely?

    Auckland • Since Apr 2007 • 63 posts Report

  • Heather Gaye,

    Where's Noizyboy? He should totally be in on this conversation.

    ...and congratulations!

    ...and an ex o' mine went to school with a girl called Ophelia Cox, apparently.

    Morningside • Since Nov 2006 • 533 posts Report

  • Lisa Docherty,

    If you think you are up to it:

    Culled from baby naming message boards across the net, the worst of the worst.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 9 posts Report

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