Cracker by Damian Christie

Okay. Time for me to put this bFM blog to bed. I would move on right now, but the continuing influx of emails shows that there's many, many of you who care passionately about the b, and its future.

For what it's worth, the bFM management have had to sit up and take notice. The story has been picked up on other blogs, and made it into both the Weekend Herald, where I thought Rebecca Barry did a fine job and was able to say a few things I couldn't – most importantly that Wallace resigned only after hearing that he was going to be replaced.

The Herald on Sunday included an item in their Scene page (one more injustice of living in Wellington is that I get that, but not About Town), although the Bridget-wannabe suggested that the move could be justified as “resorting back” to a “successful format”, two phrases suggesting she hasn’t the slightest clue what should make bFM different from all the other commercial dross out there.

Since my last post with your feedback, management have been heard to utter "ten emails doesn't make a case". Putting aside the fact there were actually 23 emails in that post, the emails I have received in favour of Wallace now number more than 70! In the interests of fairness and balance, I should also mention there have been three people in favour of the move.

So what should happen from here? A number of you wrote to ask about a petition. One publicaddress reader has done just that, and you can add your voice here. Whether it has any effect I don’t know – it may even mean bFM management entrench even further – but at least you’ll know you added your two cents.

I would like to finish by saying a few things. One, I love bFM, always have, and I hope that I always will. The great thing about the b is that no matter who is doing the breakfast show, there are so many other reasons to listen to that station. That’s what makes it different from the personality-branded commercial stations, you can have your world rocked in the best possible way by the most unknown DJ in the unlikeliest slot.

Second, as I wrote to one reader, Mikey Havoc is not the problem, he’s a symptom. The problem lies with the management, specifically at board level. My opinion is that the station would be in much better hands if it was being run by people with a history at bFM, people who were drawn to bFM because it stood for something, helped to make it what it was, who understand what makes it great, and who will fight to ensure that continues. I don’t have faith in many of the current board members to do that. As for who should replace them, I’m not going to name names, because it’s up to those people to step forward of their own free will. But you know who you are.

For a number of years now, bFM has been increasingly pushed along a commercial pathway. Anyone who’s worked within bFM knows this and discusses it regularly, and I dare say it’s become apparent to listeners as well. It’s become more about sales targets, sponsors and ratings; less about pushing new music and developing new talent – bFM used to give birth to celebrities rather than agonising over which celebrity it can find to fill any given slot.

The station needs to make money to survive, sure. It needs to have ads, and for years one of the best things about bFM has been those funny, irreverent ads, ads that we actually listen to, can’t wait to hear, and draw into our vernacular. I can’t give enough props to the likes of Bob & Scott, Wallace & Richard and now Paul for their extraordinary talent in this area. Any moves – of which there have been rumblings – to water down the creative policy (which states amongst other things, that generic agency ads are not played on bFM - at worst agency scripts are revoiced by bFM DJs) must be vigorously resisted both inside and out.

I agree with the opinion of one reader. For bFM to move forward – not commercially, but in terms of what it stands for – it needs to downscale, go back to basics. Work out what it needs to put the station to air, rather than what sales targets it needs to justify an advertising manager, four salespeople, a brand manager, credit controller, programme director, music director, editorial director, production engineer and so on. I’m not saying any of these people don’t work hard, but it ends up being a classic Catch-22 – you need a lot of staff to generate the income to pay a lot of staff. Other stations around the country – and bFM in the past – put quality radio to air 24/7 without having an albatross-sized wage bill around their neck.

Finally finally finally. Wallace has been genuinely overwhelmed by the level of support over the past week or so. If you’ve written to me, you should also share those same thoughts with him. He’s provided me with a statement he’d like to share, so I’ll let the last words on this matter be his:

I’ve been humbled by the feedback both here and at bFM so a response to listeners is fair.

I had always imagined a bFM breakfast show that was extremely well researched, informative, a bit of malark, lots of laughs. Kind of a cool National Radio if you like. And for the last 9 months that’s what it has been.

The subject had informally surfaced that there were going to be big changes ahead on breakfast. So I pre-empted all this, and gave notice. I don't have a producer, rare for a busy morning show, and that was beginning to really affect my health.

Management and the PD have a right to decide the future, and do what's best for the one and only 95bFM.

Meanwhile I'll keep doing mornings on b like it's the best damn show in Auckland!

Wow. I've never had so much feedback on a single issue as I did from my last post about bFM breakfast host Wallace Chapman being replaced by Mikey Havoc.

Surprisingly - there are usually any number of people willing to pick a fight with me on publicaddress - without exception, it seems you agree that the move stinks. Because it's obviously something many of you feel strongly about, I've decided to dedicate today's post to voicing some of your opinions. BFM management would be well acknowledged to have a read – some are even from your own djs.

A bFM listener called on Friday, apparently Mr Havoc dedicated a banging house anthem to me. Thanks Mike, but if you really want to do something for me, and the rest of the bFM fans out there, how about turning up to your show on time, even just for a week? That'd be just lover-ly.

Name: Lynne

This has made me so sad. I love wallace. In fact I just started listening to breakfast show again after wallace came on. Driving home from work I have to change channels because mickey havoc is on with his constant talking about conspiracy theories and other banal opinions again. well when wallace goes I do too. mickey havoc is past it. argh. this is so sad

Name: Jess

I'm sorry to hear that Wallace is leaving. I really like his style, and alongside Noelle it's been a great breakfast show this year. I was surprised to hear him doing breakfast but soon it all fit into place. There's been replacements over the last few weeks and while it's interesting to hear different music being played, the hosts are no match for Wallace's smooth and easy going style. He will be missed.

Name: Kim

I thought I was the only person in the world who thought Mikey Havoc was the worst breakfast host on bFM. I hated the fact he was pretty much always late - I thought it showed total disrespect for the listeners, and in fact I only started listening to the breakfast show again once he'd gone.

I have enjoyed listening to Wallace in the mornings, and was very impressed with how he coped with the power outage incident.

Name: Phil

Hi Damian, I couldn't agree more. I can't believe they are going to replace Wallace with Havoc. He doesn't let anyone talk, he's loud, rude to callers, overly sensitive, plays a lot of crap music (over and over again), he never stops spouting anti-american anti drug company rhetoric (over and over again).... the list goes on. Worst of all is that Newsboy won't be there to make the show half-decent.

Worst decision bfm has made in my book.

Name: Sam

Wallace is the best breakfast show host they have ever had. better than graham hill, marcus lush, havo, and Camilla.

I am still not sure that this isn’t some kind of trick you are playing on us.....

Name: Phil

Mikey is pretty much the sole reason I no longer listen to B.

Name: Rebecca

nooooooooooo!!!! we love wallace!!! what a bummer! are you sure? why!?!?!? arrrrrrrgh!

Name: Brian

Hi gee your your post has come as a shock as a long time listener on and off since 69 … have refound the love with wallace an interesting, varied and enjoyable way to start the day and yes the punctuality is important especially with the morning show.

Name: Mark

I'll be sad to see Wallace go and even sadder to see Mikey Havoc take over the breakfast slot again... There’s only so much mediocre house, Jane’s Addiction and 'Deserters Songs' era Mercury Rev I can take...

Name: Jon

I've been listening to breakfast since the days of Graeme Hill, whom like Wallace showed that there is some much more to great radio than the childish ramblings of the ill-informed.

Name: David

I work from home, and bFM is, and has been for many a year, the default station. Until 4 in the afternoon, that is. And, with all due respect for the days when he was refreshing and enthusiastically naive, if that now-self-important and gobby fool intrudes on my mornings, I'll be fucking right off along the dial.

So there.

Name: REMOVED

I heard the other night from my friend "on the inside" at bFM that Havoc was being brought in as an attempt to make more money. But no matter how you package it, it's a whalloping great kick in the nuts!

My friend said that there was a horrible unease about it at the station, but they were worried about falling listenership and having no money (an issue that kept coming up). How paying heaps for a "known name" will be cheaper I don't know.

Name: Michelle

I'm so sad to hear that Wallace is leaving...he is one of my all time favourite radio hosts on Bfm - it's so nice to have someone intelligent and well read on the show.

I like Mikey on drive (hate it that he's always late) but can't see how it's going to work on breakfast. Definitely a step backwards. Glad you're speaking out about it! Can we complain somewhere??? Maybe on the Bfm website...?

Name: Mark

Hey, love the bFM piece, but hey, look at it this way - instead of that doof doof crap he wheels out whenever he feels like a piss he COULD be inflicting Trippin' on us yet again...shudder!

Name: Rebecca

I’m going to cry into my milo now.

Name: Steve

Bloody hell. this cant happen.

Is there a petition?

Name: Garth

Remember that spat Havoc had with Jon Gadsby in the late nine-ties when He kept grumbling about the same boring shit being on NZ television. Seem to remember that bfm drive show having some fresh faces. Oh, the irony.

Name: Stuart

I thought it was just me, but yes Havoc was never on air on time during those morning shifts except maybe that Saturday 10-12 slot he had a year or 3 back. To give the guy credit, I just assumed he was back of house getting his show prepared. Hugh was always on time, Wallace always is on time. I hope it is not true that Wallace is leaving through the back door. He has done a fantastic job, right back to that Sunday morning show he used to do.

Name: Jason

Can't fucking believe it - b is well and truly disappearing up its own historical orifice.

Name: REMOVED

Thank you for putting into words so eloquently what I can't - I'm a DJ at bFM, and I can't help but feel like they're BREAKING our radio station.

People shouldn't be allowed to have a career in what is ostensibly 'student radio' - like you said, it should be constantly moving forward and pushing boundaries. If they're intent on holding onto people who might have once, in their day, pulled in listeners, but are now glaringly out of place, then that's never going to happen.

Name: REMOVED

To me, and I imagine it will be much the same for all the listeners, placing mikey back on breakfast looks simply like a desperate grab for listeners.

Quite what listeners they're thinking they will gain I have yet to establish..

Name: Scott

bFM is supposed be both cutting edge AND an incubator for new talent. Dropping back to formula doesn't seem a good idea - maybe bFM is getting like a lot of people my age (30s), trying to be young and cool while getting a bit out of touch.

I hope not as it is the best station I've ever listened to.

Name: John

Like you, I'd hate to think that Mikey Havoc is what bFM's audience really wants but maybe - in the same way that every nation has the government it deserves (Joseph de Maistre) every listening audience gets the DJs it deserves...? Certainly buggers my morning listening pleasure, though

Name: Roger

Congratulations Damian, that is exactly how I feel about the news. I have followed BFM since the early days and feel it is part of my life. The breakfast DJs Graham Hill, Marcus Lush, Hugh Sundae and Havoc have all added their personalities to the shows. All the others have moved on and created a life outside BFM. I've nothing against the old Havo but you can't go back. I enjoy Wallace's boyish sense of wonder at events and news. If he has been pushed to make way for Havoc I'll be sick!

Ever since I've been old enough to know better, one thing I’ve always loved about this country is a little station I like to call 95bFM.

Which makes it even harder, watching something you love being dragged down.

In my opinion, bFM management has just made one of the most backward-thinking moves in the past few years. And given some of those previous moves, that’s no small claim.

bFM’s hard-working breakfast host of the past nine months, Wallace Chapman is leaving. Having spoken directly to various involved parties, including Wallace, board members, and bFM Manager Helen Mobberley, I've failed to find consensus of opinion as to whether he jumped, was pushed or otherwise. I’m not going to speculate and I don’t feel confident enough of the facts to report either party’s version of events.

What is of concern is that his replacement is touted (though still not officially acknowledged, a press release is expected next week) to be bFM stalwart, and Julie Christie’s most recent pet project, (as seen in So You Wanna Be a Popstar) Mikey Havoc.

No-one can deny Mikey has done great radio and television – the New Zealand television landscape wouldn’t be what it is today without the pioneering work of Havoc and Newsboy’s early shows.

Even putting aside his recent televisual disasters (the last, live episode of his own show was best described by a mutual friend as "The Abu Ghraib of television"), for a radio station that is supposed to be all about moving forward, pushing musical and editorial boundaries, reinstating the host to a show he started a decade ago just doesn’t make any sense.

Add to this the fact that Havoc is habitually, pathologically late. Near the end of his previous stint on breakfast, it wasn’t unknown for him to turn up at 8.30am, for a show originally scheduled to start at 6.30am. Bad traffic was often the excuse.

When Hugh Sundae took over breakfast, Havoc returned after a brief absence to fill the 10am – 12pm slot, although with the exception of his first day, the show generally got underway between quarter past and half past ten. Even docking his pay for every minute he wasn’t there didn’t fix the problem.

Having been there since 6am, Hugh soon got sick of filling the extra time waiting for Mikey, and would switch the computer onto automation until Havoc deigned to arrive. “He could at least wait for me to turn up” Havoc once grumbled to me. The irony seemed lost on him.

Havoc currently hosts the drive show, from 4pm – 7pm. And yes, you guessed it, late again.

So how exactly is the bFM listener being served by replacing a hard-working breakfast host with someone who doesn’t bother to turn up on time, fails to put in preparation and effort, once said on air he thinks conspiracy theorist David Icke ‘might be onto something’ and who continues to play banging house anthems during the day as though, like him, the listeners are also stuck in the late nineties?

At least I can’t hear the ‘freedom calls’ from Wellington.

No doubt afraid of losing a “big name” after a period where ratings have fallen and advertising revenue shrunk, bFM management is being shortsighted, unimaginative and showing nothing but contempt for a listenership it likes to boast are intelligent, informed and cutting edge.

I might not be at bFM any more, but there are a lot of good people within that station, and I’ve spoken to a number of them who feel the same way. Something needs to change, and change now, before the bumper sticker reads “All stations are shit”.

Disclaimer: The author was a radio host for five years at 95bFM, and News & Editorial Director for a short period in 2003. He knows just about everyone involved in this story. Some of these people are his friends, some are not. All opinions are honestly held.

So it turns out I’m now living in Wellington.

Again.

Not wanting to sound ungrateful for all the hospitality I’ve enjoyed so far, I can’t help but feel I’ve been slightly conned these past few years.

Leaving behind a life in Auckland I like to call “very social” (my mother prefer the term “self-destructive”, my GP “terminal”), I sold the move to myself on the basis that Wellington had really come alive these past few years. I’d come and visit every year or so and be taken out to some great places, Chow, Motel, Cabaret.

Turns out I’ve been misled – a word which in my mind will always be pronounced like my old school chum Andrew thought it was, as “mizzled” – they’re all different parts of the same bloody place. And in the past few weeks I’ve been to each of them more times than I care to count.

Aside from that, I feel like I’m in rehab. A cold, windy rehab. But still, it’s winter, and if there were ever a season to be watching DVDs on the couch on a Saturday night, I guess this would be it.

Could be worse I guess. At least I can leave the house if I want to.

I’m not surprised Tim Selwyn’s behind-bars-blog has created as much interest as it has, if a National Party Press release by Simon Power can be called “interest”, rather than a thinly veiled swipe at the Government over a non-issue.

What does surprise me, in this Information Age, is that this is the first time it’s happened. Well the first time in New Zealand. Overseas, prison blogs aren’t uncommon – here’s an example from Scotland and one from New York.

If the prisoner isn’t saying anything he wouldn’t or couldn’t say in a letter, then I really don’t see the problem.

“What’s to stop him compromising prison security by writing about how things work in there?” asks National Corrections’ Spokesman Simon Power, demonstrating his expertise of the inner workings of the prison mail system in which every word is vetted by censors.

If Power didn’t already know about prison censorship, the opening lines of the very blog he was complaining about contained some carefully hidden clues for the observant reader:

Please note my letters are read by the Prison Officers before they can be sent, so read between the lines… He was accused of CENSORED and attacking an elderly lady in Pukekohe.

Did you spot them? Answers on the back of an SAE to:

Simon Power MP
Parliament Buildings
Wellington

I had a mate in prison once. He asked me to buy him prepaid Vodafone cards, so he could keep using his (illegal) cellphone. He asked me to smuggle in KFC, because while they might have underfloor heating, the Colonel still ain’t standard issue when one is serving time at Her Majesty’s Pleasure. He told me there were more drugs in prison than he’d seen in all his time in Auckland’s clubland, at much lower prices.

If Simon Power wants to earn his stripes as Corrections Spokesman, there are quite a few, um, actual issues to focus on.

So dirty dreams eh?

How many times has someone, a friend, told you that you were the star in their somnolent musings the night before?

Yeah, me neither.

But when it does happen, what’s the correct way to respond? Should you mumble something like you do after real sex, i.e “goooaaalll!!!!”, “How was it for you?”, or the ever popular “sorry, it doesn’t usually do that”?

Does it mean they fancy you, subconsciously or otherwise? Should you offer to make their dreams a reality? Why the bloody hell did they tell you in the first place?

Either way, it’s the exception that proves the rule, the rule being: No-one ever wants to hear the details of your dreams. Ever. No matter how interesting it was to you, to them it’s just a bunch of crap that your head made up while you were sleeping. It’s not even as interesting as the crap you make up while you’re awake, because it makes even less sense, and everyone retells it in this awful tone as if any detail might be significant…

“But then I ran around the corner, but it was like, a really, really sharp corner, kind of like a hairpin, you know? And then I was in this long corridor, and everything was like, covered in wall-to-wall carpet, but with that awful pattern that hides stains, like the stuff they use in airport lounges, you know?”

Which was why bFM’s thankfully short-lived dream analysis segment was pretty much up there with Worst. Radio. Segment. Ever. Enticing people to call up, filling them with the mistaken belief that their dreams actually mattered and there was an audience wanting to listen as they recounted their sub-normal sub-conscious events. “Wall-to-wall carpet you say? Hmmm… see what that says to me is… you’re really, really boring. Now fuck off and next time you want to talk to someone about your dreams, actually can you just not?”

But dirty dreams? Go right ahead. All the details in the world. Slower. “So when you say ‘roughly’, do you mean Harrison Ford's kiss in Bladerunner kinda ‘roughly’, or Zinedine Zidane's in the World Cup final? Oh, riiiiiight.”

What’s this got to do with publicaddress? Nothing, sorry. You can go back to reading about coins now.

(publicaddress.net readers who have –understandably I like to think – had erotic dreams about the author are encouraged, nay required to send their best recollections through the usual channels.)