Southerly by David Haywood

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Southerly: Everybody Needs Good Neighbours

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  • Christopher Dempsey,

    The third time, a kindly neighbour disconnected the alarm somehow. I don't care if it involved a 2x4, breaking and entering, or a small bomb. They were the best neighbour EVER.

    Neighbours that have a spot of electrical training or what not are the best neighbours EVER (only if they are completely normal in other respects). Mine thankfully crawled under a car which had been parked in our street for weeks on end with a very sensitive car alarm that paused, periodically, you know, so that Noise control couldn't do anything. He sniped some wire or something. Noise stopped but I made sure to leave a note for the car owner explaining this. Never saw the car again.

    Parnell / Tamaki-Auckland… • Since Sep 2008 • 659 posts Report Reply

  • Sacha,

    I recall one neighbour whose car alarm regularly went off at 2am because of the swishing roadside willow leaves it was parked near. They'd eventually beep it without steeping foot outside, after waiting just long enough to disturb everyone else.

    After many growls and appeals to re-tune its sensitivity, the closest neighbour finally took matters into their own hands one breezy evening with a swift brick through the windshield. News spread quickly, drinks were shouted. The offending car moved out soon after and peace was restored.

    Ak • Since May 2008 • 19740 posts Report Reply

  • Ian Dalziel,

    willow on lather...

    ...the closest neighbour finally took matters into their own hands one breezy evening with a swift brick through the windshield.

    Hardly cricket, pruning secateurs might've been a better first option than the breeze block...

    and what is it with this specific 2am wind
    - that sounds unusual,
    spooky, even...

    Christchurch • Since Dec 2006 • 7950 posts Report Reply

  • Geoff Lealand,

    I alway remember a rather clever stunt Michael Moore pulled, where he lined up a flotilla of cars outside the HQ of one of the major US car alarm manufacturers, and set them off simultaneously.

    Screen & Media Studies, U… • Since Oct 2007 • 2560 posts Report Reply

  • recordari,

    spooky, even...

    The wind in the pillows. A tale of 2am in the city.

    AUCKLAND • Since Dec 2009 • 2607 posts Report Reply

  • Ian Dalziel,

    The wind in the pillows. A tale of 2am in the city.

    or as it would be in Christchurch
    A Zephyr in Manchester St...

    Christchurch • Since Dec 2006 • 7950 posts Report Reply

  • Max Call,

    I'm not surprised she yelled at them with a name like that. In my teaching experience certain names crop up as always presenting challenges in the classroom. Jaydin/Jayden/Jaydan is one of them

    our staffroom decided that 'Dylan' was the ultimate for this.

    Fruit Bowl of New Zealand… • Since Jun 2007 • 153 posts Report Reply

  • Tony Parker,

    our staffroom decided that 'Dylan' was the ultimate for this.

    or Jared. Female equivalent? Teaching certainly limits naming your own kids after a while.

    Napier • Since Nov 2008 • 232 posts Report Reply

  • Russell Brown,

    Teaching certainly limits naming your own kids after a while.

    As a taxpayer, I'd be quite happy if someone did a study on this.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 22848 posts Report Reply

  • Tony Parker,

    As a taxpayer, I'd be quite happy if someone did a study on this.

    My son has been in Prague and he says that over there they have a list of names you can choose from. Not sure we need to go that far but I feel sorry for some of the kids I teach and the names they are given and have to live with for the rest of their life.

    Napier • Since Nov 2008 • 232 posts Report Reply

  • giovanni tiso,

    They'd probably be teased more if they had approved Czech names though.

    Wellington • Since Jun 2007 • 7473 posts Report Reply

  • David Haywood,

    Anna I wrote:

    Love your stories David - so much so I've bought both your books. BUT... I just wish they were more often :)

    You sound like a particularly perceptive person, Anna. And, may I say, with exceptionally well-developed taste.

    Yes, I've been a bit inefficient in my writing of late -- floundering around trying to produce a novel -- but I shall attempt to be more productive from now on, I promise!

    I've banned myself from writing satire on PA (so many other people are so good at it), and shall henceforth be concentrating on this type of humorous essay. Hopefully that will help.

    I may also throw in the odd short story -- but I'm not sure they really work in a format such as PA. Anyone have any thoughts on this?

    Anyway, thanks very much for your kind message, Anna -- it's cheered me up no end.

    Dunsandel • Since Nov 2006 • 1156 posts Report Reply

  • giovanni tiso,

    I may also throw in the odd short story -- but I'm not sure they really work in a format such as PA. Anyone have any thoughts on this?

    I've often though that the Web would be the ideal place to publish novellas and novels in instalments, but it doesn't seem to be taking off in any major way - at least to my knowledge. At any rate I'm pretty sure that if you published short stories here we'd read 'em. (Especially if they're, you know, odd). But there's nothing like trying us.

    Wellington • Since Jun 2007 • 7473 posts Report Reply

  • Sacha,

    David, I can imgine no world in which more of your writing could be anything other than spendid.

    Ak • Since May 2008 • 19740 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    I've banned myself from writing satire on PA (so many other people are so good at it)

    Oh, fuck off, Haywood, we don't need your pity. (P.S. Satire)

    floundering around trying to produce a novel

    Novel-writing is pants, isn't it? Where's my deadline? I'm just stuck in the middle of this huge smooshy unbounded thing...

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4651 posts Report Reply

  • Megan Wegan,

    Novel-writing is pants, isn't it? Where's my deadline? I'm just stuck in the middle of this huge smooshy unbounded thing...

    Hey Emma. I'd like another chapter by Friday please.

    That help?

    Welly • Since Jul 2008 • 1275 posts Report Reply

  • giovanni tiso,

    You two are the oddest couple in that you both appear to be Walter Matthau.

    Wellington • Since Jun 2007 • 7473 posts Report Reply

  • David Haywood,

    giovanni tiso wrote:

    I've often though that the Web would be the ideal place to publish novellas and novels in instalments

    An interesting idea! Maybe something sufficiently gripping such as a serialized detective novella might be fun to run on PA. I'll have a think about that.

    Emma Hart wrote:

    Oh, fuck off, Haywood, we don't need your pity. (P.S. Satire)

    I should also have said, of course, that NZ is very well served by satirical newspapers/websites. The UK only has Private Eye, and the US only has The Onion, but we have both the NZ Herald and Stuff.

    Dunsandel • Since Nov 2006 • 1156 posts Report Reply

  • Sacha,

    a serialized detective novella

    Something akin to this ripper local initiative, perhaps?

    Ak • Since May 2008 • 19740 posts Report Reply

  • giovanni tiso,

    The tall bloke tweeting in the second picture while Robyn sits at the back akin to a disapproving Greek chorus does a lot for me.

    Wellington • Since Jun 2007 • 7473 posts Report Reply

  • Judi Lapsley Miller,

    I should also have said, of course, that NZ is very well served by satirical newspapers/websites. The UK only has Private Eye, and the US only has The Onion, but we have both the NZ Herald and Stuff.

    And don't forget kiwiblog - that is satire isn't it?

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 106 posts Report Reply

  • giovanni tiso,

    I had to read through some Kiwiblogs threads last night for research. It got cold, terribly cold in my little office.

    Wellington • Since Jun 2007 • 7473 posts Report Reply

  • Ian Dalziel,

    And don't forget kiwiblog - that is satire isn't it?

    No, I think that's satyrs ...

    Satyrs are described as roguish but faint-hearted folk — subversive and dangerous, yet shy and cowardly. As Dionysiac creatures they are lovers of wine and women, and they are ready for every physical pleasure. They roam to the music of pipes (auloi), cymbals, castanets, and bagpipes, and they love to dance with the nymphs (with whom they are obsessed, and whom they often pursue), and have a special form of dance called sikinnis. Because of their love of wine, they are often represented holding wine cups, and they appear often in the decorations on wine cups.

    Satyroi were depicted as animal-like men with the tail of a horse, assine ears, upturned pug noses, reclining hair-lines, and erect members. As companions of Dionysos they were usually shown drinking, dancing, playing tambourines and flutes (the instruments of the Bacchic orgy) and sporting with Nymphai...

    Christchurch • Since Dec 2006 • 7950 posts Report Reply

  • Philip Challinor,

    Novel-writing is pants, isn't it? Where's my deadline? I'm just stuck in the middle of this huge smooshy unbounded thing

    My own novel-writing experiences have been so traumatic that I've stuck to shorter forms for the past dozen years or so. There is an upside, however - the relief when you finally finish the bastard makes it all seem very nearly worthwhile, for a bit.

    London, England • Since Sep 2009 • 52 posts Report Reply

  • Lucy Stewart,

    I've often though that the Web would be the ideal place to publish novellas and novels in instalments

    Well, it is used this way, all the time - in fandom, anyhow.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 2105 posts Report Reply

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