OnPoint by Keith Ng

Darwin Awards shoo-in

Was channel surfing once and caught this great line on CSI:

Corpse cutter 1 [Looking over dead guy with a gunshot wound]: Who takes a gun to a knife fight?
Corpse cutter 2 [Smug old guy with beard]: The winner, obviously.


Turning the question around: Who takes a machete into a gun store, with a gun-storeful of gun-nuts, sitting around in a gun-storeful of um, *guns*?

Who would do such a thing? A pure comic genius, that's who.

If he dies or becomes sterile, he'd a shoo-in for the Darwin Awards. If he lives, someone ought to nominate him for a comedy award.

I can see the movie now, "based on a true story"...



It's a slow day at the gun store. Only one real customer is there, along with the regular window-shoppers. Camera pans around casually, The Office style.

SUBURBAN ACCOUNTANT DAD is at the counter. He is visibly shaken. Close-up on the copy of Monday's Dominion Post that he is tightly clutching with both hands. BURLY GUN STORE OWNER, dressed in woodlands fatigues, is demonstrating several guns for him.

The regulars are hanging out on the far side of the store. Down the handgun isle, ERIC, wearing his usual black trenchcoat over a school uniform, is quietly reciting model names, range, rate of fire, magazine capacity and other details to himself, working his way down the isle.

ERIC, with Marilyn Manson playing on his iPod, is oblivious to COLONEL MUSTARD, who is explaining how, back in his army days, he could blow a moustache off a Jerry from 600 yards.

In the next isle, PROFESSOR "THE CHEMIST" PLUM is asking KYLE CHAPMAN about the pedagogic methods he is using on the recruits for his new army of Super Aryan Solders. As the word "pedagogic" comes out, KYLE CHAPMAN breaks out in a cold sweat.

BURLY GUN STORE OWNER (holding shotgun in hand): Oh yes, of course it's ergonomically designed. Look how easy it is to load. (loads shotgun)

SUBURBAN ACCOUNTANT DAD (frowns): My physio says I shouldn't put too much stress on my wrist. Are you sure it's okay?

BURLY GUN STORE OWNER: Yeah, yeah... go on, you try it. (hands shotgun to SUBURBAN ACCOUNTANT DAD, pulls rifle out of cabinet and loads it up)

SUBURBAN ACCOUNTANT DAD (frowns): Oh, I don't know... are you sure it'll improve property prices? High-income suburban baby-boomers such as myself are really concerned with property prices, our rampant crime epidemic and health-related pseudo-science. Will it also ensure that I don't burn out from the stress of my very stressful office job?

BURLY GUN STORE OWNER: Well, I read in the Li...

[Loud thud against the door. MACHETE WIELDING GUY shoves the door a few more times. MACHETE WIELDING GUY pulls door open, runs inside store.]


[Stunned silence all round. Everyone stares at MACHETE WIELDING GUY, including PROFESSOR "THE CHEMIST" PLUM. KYLE CHAPMAN breathes sigh of relief.]


[Stunned silence.]


[Stunned silence.]

MACHETE WIELDING GUY (brandishing machete): ...

[Awkward silence, as two handguns, a shotgun, a rifle and a revolver are raised excruciatingly slowly while everyone tries to look innocuous.]

MACHETE WIELDING GUY (brandishing machete): Er...

[MACHETE WIELDING GUY puts machete on counter and puts out napkin with schematics of the store. Close-up on napkin. MACHETE WIELDING GUY traces his finger from "DOOR" at the bottom of napkin to "MONEY" at the top, finger goes back down to middle, with numerous circles labelled "GUY WITH GUN". MACHETE WIELDING GUY puts napkin in pocket, picks up machete, looks around.]

MACHETE WIELDING GUY (brandishing machete): Umm...



Scott Common has also pointed me to title suggestions at NZMusic.com for Don Brash's debut album, which will no doubt be wickedbad and boost his streetcred down in da hood.

They include:

Straight Outta Owera
Fear of a Brash Planet
It takes a nation of 4 million to hold us back

And finally, a new Newtown Ghetto Anger for this week:

As usual, click here for more NGA.