Hard News by Russell Brown


The #Zumwohl Tapes

In a shocking turn of events, Hard News has gained access to a stream of reliably unreliable accounts of the 2011 general election campaign. This commentary is being circulated in pursuit of complementary samples of a premium distilled beverage, and a mysterious commodity known as "lulz", to which many members of the internet community are thought to have become habituated.

These lulz-worthy comments are distributed via a shadowy network known by its users as "Twitter", where everything appears everywhere, instantly, all the time. This, people, is the kind of thing we're up against.

Troublingly, a minor kerfuffle referred to as #teapottapes has resulted in a significant surge of #zumwohl activity.

Twitter "user" @lytteltonian has been confirmed as the winner of some premium distilled beverage for this "tweet" yesterday:

Here's what they talked about http://beat.co.nz/2011/11/14/team-mates-in-crochet/ #teapottapes #zumwohl

The link leads to a shocking image that should not be viewed by anyone, ever. To help you identify and avoid this image, we have reproduced it here:

But there's more. @N_BenWilson_Z has also won a bottle of premium New Zealand-made schnapps for this "tweet":

Key mourns the passing of Ol' Dirty Bastard (13 Nov RIP). Banks responds "We haven't got him yet" #teapottapes #zumwohl #votenz 

The weekend also saw this from @GarthBray, who is believed to be employed by a shadowy government organisation:

#nzvotes at ACT launch they already have a glossy flyer printed with a two Johns cuppa photo. and they're handing out tea bags zzz #zumwohl

And this from @fundypost:

Breaking: Shane Jones invites John Banks to watch symbolic porn movie #zumwohl #nzvotes

Who also said:

If those brownies could get better dope and better porn, they would stay at home rather than burgling decent folk. #zumwohl #nzvotes


Traces of Glucina found in teacups #zumwohl

Police have appealed for sightings of @fundypost and warned that he should on no account be approached or engaged in conversation about postmodernism or the use of macrons.

Meanwhile, @CMRanapia uttered sheer filth:

#teapottapes exclusive: Key and Banksie agree - Judith Collins? They'd tap that ass! @publicaddress #votenz #zumwohl

And @robhosking gave a whole new meaning to the concept of a shit joke:

Key says Act is stable. Only possible interpretation is PM thinks Act is a small building smelling of horse manure #zumwohl #decision2011

@dubdotdash observed, cryptically:

Two Johns, one cup #zumwohl

And @jeremygsmart responded:

Gone by afternoon tea time ? #teapottapes #zumwohl

@tobiasbrockie implied a Member of Parliament could be involved:

feel like maybe tau henare just forgot to do the #zumwohl hashtag?

And @elainesmithelai shocked a nation with:

JK:"...yip,so Banksie,if we replace @DrBrash with a stoned, porn-watching gay Polynesian man from South Auckland..." #zumwohl

"Not everyone who used the #zumwohl hashtag received a bottle of international-award-winning New Zealand-made schnapps," says lulz and freaky dancing expert Russell 'Jaquie' Brown. "but the point is they all could have. We believe this situation will continue until the general election on November 26."


But yes, seriously, Zumwohl giveaways continue apace.

All you need to do is tweet your witticism with the #zumwohl hashtag -- and to follow @Zumwohlparty on Twitter. When you do that, it helps us get you your prize more quickly. It's also a deliverable for the campaign. And we all like deliverables. Have fun.

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