Up Front by Emma Hart


After the Big Gay Revolution

Does something nasty make you straight?

Researchers have revealed data which appears to show a link between childhood abuse and being heterosexual. In face-to-face interviews, those most likely to admit to being heterosexual were also most likely to admit to having suffered physical or sexual abuse as children.

Prominent Straight Rights groups have complained about both the methodology of the study and its sensationalist reporting in the media. As one spokesperson whined, "This is totally homonormative. It's all about the search for a cause for 'straight'. You never hear people doing research into what 'causes gay', do you? Of course not, that would be ridiculous. I find it really interesting that nobody has reported this data as 'straight children more likely to be abused'.

"Also, there's no plausible mechanism by which abuse could 'cause straight'. Suggesting it is just a way to reinforce the belief that there's something broken about straight people that can be cured by appropriate therapy: high levels of exposure to John Barrowman, for instance."

Straight Rugby Coach Sacked by Christian School

In further straight news, Middleton Grange School in Christchurch, which is partially government-funded, recently sacked its rugby coach for 'being straight'. An anonymous source told us, "It just didn't fit with the ethos of the school. We have values, and having straight people in charge of pupils just doesn't feel right. Many of our parents were very uncomfortable with having a straight man around all those boys."

The head of the national body that represents Christian schools said today, "This isn't something we have a policy on, but obviously it's a concern. At our next full meeting, I think we should have open and frank discussions about the issue, and formulate some guidelines. You'd think we wouldn't need to, given the law says we actually can't discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation, but I think to mitigate that you have to understand how special we are, and just how icky and gross we find the thought of straight people being around our children. They could contaminate them with their culture of violence and drinking and cheap, often non-consensual sexual practices. It's just oooey."

Texas Mother Challenges Widow's Right to Partner Benefits

A woman in Texas is challenging the legitimacy of her recently-deceased son's marriage in an attempt to stop his widow from collecting partner benefits after the fire-fighter's death.

"When they got married," the bleach-blonde piece of Austin trailer-trash said, "he thought she'd been born a man. She never told him she wasn't transsexual, so she was deliberately deceiving him. When he found out she'd always been female, he was horrified, and left her. There's no way that lying hussy should be able to get anything from a marriage that was based on a lie."

The man's widow has protested, saying, "He always knew I was a woman, and he was fine with it. It was his family that couldn't handle it. He was a good man who loved me regardless of whether I was trans or cis. My never having had a penis shouldn't make any difference to my basic rights. We were living together perfectly happily until his death. This court case is just revenge."

And, coming up after the break, our token odd-stuff reporter goes behind the scenes to explore the mysterious world of the R.S.A, and the naming of the New Zealand roller derby team for the Hamburg Olympics.

Emma Hart is the author of the book 'Not Safe For Work'.

(Click here to find out more)

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