Southerly by David Haywood

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Southerly: My First Stabbing

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  • Danielle,

    This story is magnificent.

    (But, query: your grandfather *really* chose to read Orwell's Homage to Catalonia to six-week-old you? Because if that's true, it might be the most hilarious thing... well, ever.)

    Charo World. Cuchi-cuchi!… • Since Nov 2006 • 3828 posts Report Reply

  • Che Tibby,

    heh.

    genius.

    the back of an envelope • Since Nov 2006 • 2042 posts Report Reply

  • James Francis,

    Brilliant.

    For one who was (a) six weeks old and (b) asleep, you have a phenomenal and detailed memory of the event. Your mother was absolutely right in her theory that reading to a sleeping child aids its mental development.

    Are you going to publish your stories? You should do. Your writing makes me smile. So, thank you.

    St John's, Newfoundland • Since Nov 2006 • 121 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    Brilliant. This reminds me of the hilarious family story of the time my great-uncle was told his TB had come back, and went down the river and shot himself. His female relatives had the jolliest time making it look like a hunting accident before the other men came back.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4651 posts Report Reply

  • David Haywood,

    Danielle wrote:

    query: your grandfather *really* chose to read Orwell's Homage to Catalonia to six-week-old you?

    Although present, I have no personal recollection of the incident myself. The story has been told and re-told so many times that I don't think I would swear to the minor details (although the major details are certainly correct). Knowing my grandfather, however, if it wasn't 'Homage to Catalonia' then it was something equally (or even less) appropriate for a sleeping six-week-old.

    It should be noted that I am delving back into my ten-year-old's memory of the story as related by my grandmother -- perhaps not the most reliable source (my memory, that is, not my grandmother). My father has already emailed me to clarify one point:

    > The assailant did not go easily, a large chase around
    > the neighbourhood took place before he was subdued, made
    > even more difficult by the fact that his wrists were
    > bigger than the handcuffs.

    Incidentally, my uncle's version of the story is well worth seeing. He does all the characters -- almost a one-man play. I remember falling off my chair with laughter as a ten-year-old.

    P.S. For those English readers, you will be relieved to know that the new neighbours turned out to be Dutch, not English.

    Dunsandel • Since Nov 2006 • 1156 posts Report Reply

  • Kyle Matthews,

    Hehe! That's a story. Well told sir.

    As early as 1926 he had developed the habit of shouting "get a proper job" at policemen who happened to cross his field of vision. His latest crusade was the abolition of central government. He had already written an impassioned letter on this subject to his local member of parliament, and was awaiting a response.

    Naturally enough, he viewed the purchase of a rug as a dangerous distraction to his revolutionary activities.

    I think we need to hear more about your grandfather, he sounds great. Can you tell us one about him, Uncle Haywood? Puh-leeeeaaaassseeeeeeee!!!

    Since Nov 2006 • 6243 posts Report Reply

  • David Haywood,

    James Francis wrote:

    Are you going to publish your stories? You should do.

    From your comment I can tell you're not a publisher, James! No, I hadn't thought of putting them in book form, although it strikes me as not a bad idea -- in fact, I would be quite keen on it.

    But I can't see a publisher being interested in such a thing, alas...

    Kyle Matthews wrote:

    I think we need to hear more about your grandfather...

    I shall do my best to oblige, young Kyle...

    Dunsandel • Since Nov 2006 • 1156 posts Report Reply

  • Don Christie,

    Orwell ended his participation in the Spanish civil war a social democrat. Did your grandfather appreciate the conversion?

    Er, sorry, that was a bit serious. I hope young Bob gets to read the bit about your screaming in times to come.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 1645 posts Report Reply

  • Hadyn Green,

    Families always have the best stories. And without fail (in my experience at least) they involve the people who seem the dullest.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 2090 posts Report Reply

  • Julian Melville,

    Love it! Add my vote for a wee book of such tales, I'd buy it.

    Auckland • Since Dec 2006 • 200 posts Report Reply

  • Charlotte Nicole,

    Awesome... I laughed out loud at my desk. Please write more - perhaps a book-length?

    Wellington • Since May 2008 • 1 posts Report Reply

  • Judi Lapsley Miller,

    Totally concur - you've got a book in you David - or a least a collection of delightful short stories - I figure you've got what it takes when you make coffee come out my nose.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 106 posts Report Reply

  • Tim Michie,

    Is your uncle visiting soon..? I've the feeling that this is a story that would work regardless of you knowing how it went...

    Auckward • Since Nov 2006 • 614 posts Report Reply

  • David Haywood,

    Julian, Charlotte, and Judi:

    Thanks for the kind words, people. You've certainly given me something to think about. I'm currently working (with glacial speed) on a book about energy -- but frankly, it's pretty boring, even to me. The universe may well have run out of energy (or 'exergy', to be technically correct) by the time I finish. A collected 'Southerly' sounds like much more fun, and able to be produced in bite-sized chunks as Bob-the-baby permits.

    Now that I've had Judi's coffee-squirting-out-of-her-nose endorsement I feel that anything's possible.

    Dunsandel • Since Nov 2006 • 1156 posts Report Reply

  • Rose Ryan,

    a series of vignettes like this one would be heart warming ...... and they would be wonderful in audio form too.

    A masterful piece of writing - thank you!

    wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 4 posts Report Reply

  • Jill Reade,

    We need a "printer version" button on this one 'cos I'll certainly be sharing it. I hope, for your sake, that the subsequent stabbings were, if not equally, almost as hilarious! We await the tales!

    **REPLY:** Thanks for the kind words, Jill. There is actually a 'printer version' button (marked 'Print') on all the PA posts -- right down the bottom on the far left (opposite the 'Discuss' button). Took me while to figure out what exactly it was for, but it works a treat -- Cheers, DH.

    Since Jun 2007 • 20 posts Report Reply

  • Paul Robeson,

    If only Gerald Durrell had had Scottish relatives...is this a true story?

    fantastic piece of writing...I wouldn't mind being a fly on the wall if your grandfather ever met Gerry's older brother Larry...

    Since Feb 2008 • 87 posts Report Reply

  • Ian MacKay,

    You held my attention right to the last word and left me thinking on. Great! Have you considered entering the Katherine Mansfield short story Competition. You should!

    Bleheim • Since Nov 2006 • 498 posts Report Reply

  • daleaway,

    A pleasant change of pace from obsessing on about US politics, statistics, electronics and the other low-appeal topics on offer on PAS at present.

    Thanks, David, a good laugh (except for the stabee, of course).

    Since Jul 2007 • 198 posts Report Reply

  • David Haywood,

    Tim Michie wrote:

    Is your uncle visiting soon..? I've the feeling that this is a story that would work regardless of you knowing how it went...

    Sorry Tim, I should clarify: my uncle's version of the story was only performed around the dinner table -- not in his professional capacity (although I'm sure he'd make a fantastic job of it on stage).

    Paul Robeson wrote:

    ...is this a true story?

    The major details are true, as noted here. Some poetic licence has been taken, of course.

    Ian MacKay wrote

    Have you considered entering the Katherine Mansfield short story Competition. You should!

    Thanks for the flattering comments, Ian... No, I can honestly say that this has never crossed my mind. I have pretensions to readibility in my prose -- not to mention a desire to connect with my audience!

    Dunsandel • Since Nov 2006 • 1156 posts Report Reply

  • Don Christie,

    Have you considered entering the Katherine Mansfield short story Competition. You should!

    Thanks for the flattering comments, Ian... No

    I think she's dead so YMMV with that idea anyway.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 1645 posts Report Reply

  • Ian MacKay,

    The Katherine Mansfield Short Story Comp is an Annual NZ affair.
    By the way James Thurber (American Humorist from the 30's and 40's + ) would have enjoyed your humour too.

    Bleheim • Since Nov 2006 • 498 posts Report Reply

  • Ian MacKay,

    The Katherine Mansfield Short Story Comp

    http://www.bnz.co.nz/About_Us/1,,3-34-482,00.html

    **REPLY:** Thanks for the pointer, Ian! I am aware of the KM awards (I'm even a fan of KM herself, as well as a number of the previous winners). What I was trying to say is that I suspect my unsophisticated prose style -- emphasizing entertainment rather than art -- wouldn't be suitable entry material. One thinks of pork chops at a Bar Mitzvah. But it was a very kind suggestion on your part! -- Cheers, DH.

    Bleheim • Since Nov 2006 • 498 posts Report Reply

  • Steve Withers,

    BRAVO!!

    (I enjoyed your story....)

    :-)

    Auckland • Since Mar 2008 • 312 posts Report Reply

  • Stephanie,

    Does this mean we can look forward to another story where you WERE the person who was stabbed? You've raised our expectations now!

    Lower Hutt • Since Dec 2007 • 21 posts Report Reply

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