Field Theory: 25 Things you need to be a man
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Intrigued how a list of how to do things involving some skill devolved into a list of stupid ways to hurt yourself but carry it off with aplomb.
Not so much grace under pressure (nice Hemingway reference there) as nonchalance under extreme pain.
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This list sounds like the best excuse I've ever heard for buying a new TV.
"yes, but if I don't get it I'm not a man , and can I buy a gun?"
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As a Wellingtonian I would add the following for a post earthquake situation - and this is for femmes and hommes:-
In my case I should add: "and an eight-storey rope ladder in case both the lift & stairs are out".
Good man skill: Asking for "trade discount" at man shops.
I'm sure your definition of a "man shop" is very different from mine ("I am glad to say I have never seen a spade" and so forth). I have never sought nor expected a trade discount at any of the tailors, wine cellars or snuff purveyors that I frequent.
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Oh, snuff!
I was once sent 10 little cannisters of snuff by a southern USA fan who (erroneously) thought a cigar & pipe smoker like myself would also be entertained by the stuff-there's still a couple left if you'd really like?
(Dont ask what we did with the other ones...)
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One more essential 'man'-skill: never having to use a bottle opener to open a beer bottle. There are legions of items that can be used instead. Particularly:
- using a lighter (if you're good you get a nice popping sound)
- using an unopened beer bottle
- using an opened beer bottle
- fishslice - as long as you don't take the top off the whole bottle!Should I be worried that the first thought that jumped to mind (tongue-in-cheek, perhaps) on reading the original list was 'isn't there an iPhone app for that?)
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there's still a couple left if you'd really like?
Thanks, but not particularly! There's a delightfully antiquated tobacconist/barbershop in Featherston St that sells it, and one of my esteemed chums brought some along to one of our recent chaps' nights out. We ended up at Hawthorn lounge, drinking Martinis and Gimlets while snuffling the stuff, and while it was decidedly more pleasant than sitting next to a cigarette smoker, it was not to our liking. It was more entertaining taking video of each other and wondering how we would tag it on YouTube...
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Laid here with the advertising sliding past my eyes like cartoons from other peoples lives,
I start to wonder what it takes to be a man.Well I learned to drink & I learned to smoke & I learned to tell a dirty joke.
If that's all there is then there's no point for me.
So please can I ask just why we're alive?
'Cos all that you do seems such a waste of time
& if you hang around too long you'll be a man.Tell me 'bout it.
Your car can get up to a hundred and ten -
you've nowhere to go but you'll go there again
and nothing ever makes no difference to a man.So you stumble into town & hold your stomach in.
Show them what you've got tho' they 've seen everything.
Yeah you're a beauty but they've seen your type before.
You've got no need but still you want,
so go and book that restaurant.
The wine will flow & then you'll just
fly away.A man.
That's what I am.(with many apologies to Jarvis Cocker)
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The Big Lebowski: What makes a man, Mr. Lebowski?
The Dude: Dude.
The Big Lebowski: Huh?
The Dude: Uhh... I don't know sir.
The Big Lebowski: Is it being prepared to do the right thing, whatever the cost? Isn't that what makes a man?
The Dude: Hmmm... Sure, that and a pair of testicles. -
"I am a man:
I was a child, I am a son, a brother,
uncle now, great-uncle too;
I have married, and I have a wife,
a partner mate & might to me:
I have children - I have held my new-borns
and marvelled, how they grow
and grow differently-
I have made houses for us all,
shot animals, soothed hurts & bruises;
endured much, been inventive, travelled, fought,
countered nightmares, washed & cleaned
& read, and dreamed, and made real the dreams;
caught fish, and helped make gardens &
grow new forests where the forests fell,
and, make of my heart and brain and arms
a calm harbour, a good shelter-
I have loved, and both the dead & live, I still love-
I create: I am a man-"(for my younger brother, a mighty good man)
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(O, and the 25 questions he could pass as a boy: the "piss, shit & spew" test. he handled looking after a sister's baby in his teen years, and you've never seen anyone use pulleys, ropes, levers & motors like he does. Good barbequeist, and average everyday cook.
Testicles? Yeah, quite a few kids- and he is an ecellently sociable being as well. Good at Scrabble too. Reads a lot. Excellent painter/decorator sense.
Cannot endure persistent fools (a general family failing.) -
Thanks for the Jarvis Cocker, Rick.
Put me in mind of his splendidly cutting A Little Soul , the song about finally meeting his real-life dad:I look like a big man
But I've only got a little soul
I only got a little soulYeah, I wish I could be an example
Wish I could say I stood up for you and
Fought for what was right but I never didI just wore my trench coat and stayed out every night
You think I'm joking?
Try me, yeah, try me
George Bernard Shaw pretty much nailed the basic biology of fatherhood though, when he noted that the most any reasonable child could expect of their father was that he be present at the moment of conception. -
Learn to shave properly
Shaving with one razor in each hand saves a lot of time. Not quite half, but almost. Laugh all you want, but it works out to at least 500 minutes per year. A full eight hours or so.
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WH,
The modern man in crisis thing is quite interesting. I'm not sure we can or should be reduced to lists of mundane stuff. Have fun with your friends, find someone to love, treat people well. Beyond that do whatever you want.
You could build something cool or go exploring for years on end, go for a run, or do something else entirely.
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Surely changing a car tyre has got to be in there?
Chez nous, that's the primary application of the torque wrench.
(And when you change your tyres with the seasons, it quickly moves out of the realm of "manly event" and into that of "irritating chore, to be foisted if possible".)
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kill a rat with a spade
I killed one with a broom, does that count?
I've chased a bat outside with a squeezy-mop, because there wasn't a broom for me?
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I'll add another one: be present at birth of your child without disgracing yourself.
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I am also surprised changing a fuse is not on the list, mainly because that's about the only thing I can do.
I have never been more convinced of my own utter uselessness.
If it helps, Danielle, we could make that list of 'things a lady should be able to do', and then gleefully celebrate not being able to do any of them.
Can we do that, please?
It's been done.
In the interests of compiling a list, I found half a dozen similar ones. Most of the skills women should apparently acquire are not so much skills, as personality traits.
Things like "like herself", "be able to sell herself" and my personal favourite "Adopt a method for connecting with your inner self and getting centered".
Ack.
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The modern man in crisis thing is quite interesting. I'm not sure we can or should be reduced to lists of mundane stuff.
I do tend to think that most of these lists are compiled by the sort of people who'd have trouble holding down a job at FHM.
Things to do before you're 30!!!! Get caught cheating on your girlfriend!!!! With her best friend!!!!
Ya rly.
And most of these list seem to boild down to 'how to be a competently functioning adult (non-gender specific)'. For city folk, that means a greater emphasis on stuff like choosing the correct wine. For country folk, that means a greater emphasis on stuff like backing a trailer.
WRT the 'modern man in crisis' stuff, I recommend Susan Faludi's 'Stiffed'
The common theme that runs through the book is that men have attempted to live up to the expectations of masculinity established in post-World War II America, only to find society not living up to its end of the bargain as globalization, downsizing and other economic pressures have made it difficult for men to live up to their expected roles as providers.
I don't fully agree with all her conclusions, but she certainly provides a lot of evidence to back herself.
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I have never sought nor expected a trade discount at any of the tailors, wine cellars or snuff purveyors that I frequent.
I'm no expert, but understood that discounts on "snuff" were strictly on a quantity basis. A certain Matthew Ridge could probably provide better information here...
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I love how, at about 10pm, everyone started singing to each other.
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I have never sought nor expected a trade discount at any of the tailors, wine cellars or snuff purveyors that I frequent.
Tom neglects to mention that the snuff was raspberry flavoured (seriously) and, in this gentleman's humble opinion, rather good.
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I love how, at about 10pm, everyone started singing to each other.
On-line virtual karaoke is going to be The Next Big Thing. Get in quick so you can say you were first.
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WH,
And most of these list seem to boild down to 'how to be a competently functioning adult (non-gender specific)'
That's true. I wonder whether I'm just reacting to the framing. If someone gave me a list of great books to read or a list of useful home maintenance tips I'd be grateful. I've often thought that there must be a lot of good advice that gets lost between generations.
On the other hand, we already seem to have some pretty strong ideas about what it means to act 'like a man'. No disrespect is intended, but when I see 'rules about manhood' I think of Doug Golightly gruffly intoning hard truths with a stern expression between sips from a sour beer. Which is probably not what Kipling meant at all.
men have attempted to live up to the expectations of masculinity established in post-World War II America
Thanks for the recommendation. I suppose our archetypes must capture something worthwhile, or something that was once worthwhile. (I always enjoyed the subtext to Rambo I.)
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Nothing in there about poetry. When I was but a strippling I remember being very impressed by the racy life and times of Byron and the Shelleys and I thought poetry would clearly be a useful arrow in the male quiver.
Personally I've found memorising the XVIII Sonnet, The Sun Rising and other bits and bobs of classic love poetry then deploying them strategically and at the right moment very *ahem* *cough* handy. If you've never tried it, give it a shot.
When it comes to lists of Laddism I find the whole thing depressingly stupid. Laddism seems to glorify being eighteen as the pinnacle of male sensibility, which is rather foolish given that everyone (particularly the girls) knows that we men maintain our high regard for ourselves practically into our dotage.
All in all a somewhat silly distraction of a topic.
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In any case, starting today I am going to go through the list of 25 things set down in Popular Mechanics, and I am going to master all of them. And over the next few weeks I'm going to tell you about them and maybe along the way we can figure out what exactly a man is in the 21st Century.
Is it going to be all zen-like and stuff?
Do we get to call you glasshopper?
Will you descend from the mountain top with good back lighting?
21st Century, shit, does time sneak up on you.
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