Island Life by David Slack

Let's start with a disavowal. This post will not in any way make light of the misfortunes of Schapelle Corby in the Indonesian justice system. I am confining my remarks to making light of the misfortunes of people in the American justice system.

There's no such thing as a celebrity jail in America. Yet

But how far away can that be in an age where people like Donald Trump and Rupert Murdoch call the shots? Think about it: one big national penitentiary for all the celebs, televised around the clock, worldwide, Big-Brother style. It has ratings written all over it. Martha, Michael and Russell, all in the one place! (Assuming those last two are found guilty and sent to jail once tiresome matters such as due process are disposed of).

So could Michael Jackson and Russell Crowe one day be cellmates? And if they could, how do you think things might work out? Bitch is a word with some unhappy connotations. We won't explore them here.

But what about the fightin'? Now there's a Don King moment of wonder. You might think there's no match here -the gladiator versus the guy who's so light in his loafers he moonwalks? But don't be so sure. How many fair fights in the real world has Russell won? Actors are men who wear make up to go to work, don't forget.

I'm no expert on these things. My good friend Mr Reid might be able to offer some thoughts, perhaps. (Have I mentioned he has just had a thoroughly good book published?)

What I'd really like to do is test the wisdom of the markets. Or to put it another way, I rigged up that betting system for the Optimistic Predictions site last month, and I might as well make the most of it.

So let's have a bet: Who wins a cell fight between Russell Crowe and Michael Jackson?

Click here and decide for yourself. You have 100 imaginary dollars. Go right ahead and put your money down: who wins a knock-down take-no-prisoners, bitch-slapping cell fight? Russell or Michael?

Of course, you could content yourself with texting a vote for tonight's Dancing With The Stars, but you know that's just for sissies.

Update, June 14: The jury says Michael can go home, so just in case there was any doubt before, it's clear now: this is an imaginary fight we're talking about. It's still an interesting question to ask, though, so you can still place your bets.

Just five short months after I said I'd be judging the contributions for the iPod contest, I've finally taken the time to do it. Refer to the surname if you're wondering why it might take that long.

So. Have you won an iPod? A fabulous consolation prize? Answers at the end of this blog but first, a few honourable mentions.

The object of this exercise was to compile a list of memorable dates in New Zealand's history. I wasn't necessarily looking for the most famous of moments. On the contrary, when you're trying to build a comprehensive collection, the more obscure the event, the more value it has. So thanks to everyone who nominated the Treaty of Waitangi, and well done for spotting that the judge might have a soft spot for that topic, but no iPod, sorry.

Our collective understanding of the significance of that day seems to remain somewhat loose, I'd have to say. One contributor proposed "the signing of the treaty of Waitangi" as a memorable day on the basis that "the moari's and the white people made friends, stopped fighting and taking land". Another had a more concise reason: "Because NZ got rich."

Your iPod has strong appeal to the youth market, and although I have no way to substantiate it, I'm envisioning (although trying quite hard not to make the picture too clear) a male not yet out of high school as the likely contributor of the following:

descovered pornography
porn is good
November 10, 1867

And then there were the doubters:

Still New Zealand is yet to have anything important happen in it or to it
Nothing having anything to do with New Zealand has ever been important and New Zealand probably won't ever be important

Whatever, dude. Reminds me of an old story in The Onion - Sullen Time-Traveling Teen Reports 23rd Century Sucks.

Happily, the great majority of the contributions were exactly what I was looking for, and I'm grateful to everyone who took the time to offer them. Before we get to the winner, I'll mention a few other noteworthy ones which have won the contributors a copy of Civil War and other Optimistic Predictions, with the author's compliments.

Matt Barrett gets one for nominating the day Ihug's Wood brothers,introduced flat rate dial-up to the public. While they were in the game, they truly shook up the internet industry in NZ, he says, and laments that "we are in dire need of innovation, with Telecom doing its damnedest to stop the penetration of truly high-speed broadband. "

And a copy of the book to Pat McIntosh for nominating the day TVNZ aired Peter Jackson's "Forgotten Silver" documentary about the legendary film maker Colin McKenzie. She recalls the public outrage over the fact it was a hoax and offers quotes from irate letters to the Listener, including: "Peter Jackson and his Silver Screen conspirators should be shot."

Ross Mason gets one for nominating the day Radio Hauraki began transmission in the Gulf from Tiri, and Kevin Moar for suggesting the day the first McDonald's restaurant in New Zealand opened in Porirua.

Thanks to Aaron Simperingham, the database will include the proud moment in Winston Peters career when he "punched John Banks....and got away with it by using the excuse that he was drunk! In parliament!!!"

"Try punching a teacher at school and using that excuse!!!", says Aaron, which of course is a question that is even more interesting in the political context which has developed since he submitted his entry.

A copy too, to Venetia King for nostalgically suggesting the last appearance of the Goodnight Kiwi on TV2. I miss the little guy too.

Mr Bell of the Drug Foundation had been promised a copy already, but Ross, you get it as well for nominating the time (in early 90s) at the Gluepot "when Straitjacket Fits played She Speeds after a period of not playing the song following the trashing of some Dunedin pub.

They were doing an encore, Shane walks to the mic, says "this one's called 'how to please your audience'", the song begins, marvellous. The Gluepot was pulled down soon after - but surely that's not a memorable moment.

And the last copy of the book (Civil War and Other Optimistic Predictions by David Slack 28.00, Penguin) goes to Mr John Smith, (and I'll take that name on trust) for one of the best descriptions I've read of the Bassett Road Machine Gun Murders:

Threatened by the prospect of a hand grenade being chucked into his Ponsonby beer den by a rival operator, a sly grogger and his mate got cranked up on beer, benzedrine and weed before machine gunning the rival (a seaman) and his spiv mate in the front room of a Remuera villa.

He also wins for this equally meritorious contribution, with extra marks for predicting a future that sounds completely accurate except for the very last bit:

La De Da's "How Is The Air Up There?" reaches #4 on the NZ Sales Charts.

A swaggering gang of Auckland teenagers in mod threads managed to get their second and best single into the upper reaches of the NZ charts, paving the way for more swaggering Auckland teenagers in Mod gear to do the same in 1981 (Screaming Meemees) and 2005 (the Checks). Well the last one hasn't happened yet, but you read it here first. Another prediction: The Checks will probably have a better song than "See Me Go" but not as good as "How Is The Air Up There?"

Moving on to the prizes for sheer volume, the promised CD vouchers go to:

1. Kent Atkinson

2. Terry Baucher

3. Matthew Bywater

4. Peter Clayworth

5. Keene Family

6. Andrew Llewellyn

7. Ross Mason

8. Jake Pollock

9. John Shears

10. Stephen Walker

I'm pleased to say that these winners provided not only quantity, but quality.

Peter Clayworth's contribution included mention of the deaths of 'Griff' MacLaurin and Steve Yates in the early stages of the Spanish Civil War, making them probably the first New Zealanders killed fighting against fascism.

Andrew Llewellyn contributed some of the most entertaining of all the entries, and I especially enjoyed his nomination of the night Russell Crowe was punched out by Eric Watson in the men's room at a London restaurant. "Someone had to do it," he said.

John Shears had some fascinating contributions on topics ranging from remarkable snowfalls to little-known facets of our nation's wartime exploits. Best of all, he offered this gem, which is the undisputed runner-up and wins a copy of the book to go with the CD voucher. Never mind the buzzy bee, jandal and hokey pokey nonsense that people talk when they go looking for so-called Kiwi icons. Your whitebait is what you want to focus on, son. Ask any of us more senior (ie Mr Christie's age or older) New Zealanders to recall a great experience with whitebait, and just watch the wistful expression come across our face. Here's John's one about the day he was unable to lift his whitebait net from the Clutha river because it was so full of 'bait.

My Cousin Vic who was fishing nearby came and helped me. I had to do the same for him a little later on. We were fishing on the North bank of the Clutha just above the Paretai Punt. It was school holidays. After my Aunt had served her famous Whitebait fritters (One Egg to a Pound of 'Bait) and we had all had our fill we sent the rest to the market in Dunedin in two 4 gallon cans and got threepence a pound. Those were the days.

Indeed they were.

In the end, though, there was just one entry I liked even more, and it was contributed by
Mikaere Curtis: when Te Pouihi was unveiled at New Zealand House in London by the Queen Mother.

Any Kiwi who has visited New Zealand House in Haymarket will attest to the presence and mauri of Te Pouihi. Its context - a quintessentially Maori artifact displayed in the lobby of a classically Pakeha building - is a visceral reminder of the common history shared by the inheritors of Te Tiriti O Waitangi. Ngati Ranana, the London Maori Club, refer to Te Pouihi as "te ngakau o te whare" - the heart of New Zealand House. And in this way the simple event of unveiling a truly New Zealand icon has persisted in the decades following; generations of young Kiwis on their OEs have (and will) feel the undeniable mana of Te Pouihi reminding them of their roots and the unique partnership envisaged back home. Te Pouihi is a physical utterance of a reknowned truth: being a Kiwi is *very* cool.

In Civil War, I quote Ani Mikaere in her 2004 Bruce Jesson lecture:

When travelling overseas, Pakeha leap forward to perform bastardised versions of the haka and "Pokarekare Ana", and adorn themselves with Maori pendants in an attempt to identify themselves as New Zealanders: when in Aotearoa it is often those same people who decry any assertion of Maori language and culture as a threat to their identity.

She's not wrong. Some of them even think it's a good idea to put up bullshit billboards that incite division based on willful misrepresentation. We can be better than that. One iPod to Mikaere Curtis for making that abundantly clear.

Finally, because I don't want to see anyone going away empty-handed, here's a gift for everyone else, courtesy of the entertaining people at Crikey. They write:

Ever read something in the papers that's had you scratching your head and wondering just what the reporter was trying to say? Here's a cut-out-and-keep glossary of journalistic cliches.

Here's a taste of what they have to offer:

Reportedly: we stole this bit of information

Intensely private: Not promoting anything right now

Rarely interviewed: Promoting something right now

Highbrow: boring

Family Values: right wing idiot

Progressive: left wing idiot

Couldn't be reached for comment: the reporter didn't call until after 5pm

Legendary: about to die

Click over there now and LYAO.

The best-kept secret of the Comedy festival is Jo Randerson's show. She has a great ear for dialogue, she's an accomplished actor, she has excellent comic timing, and the theatrical and cathedral influences have rubbed off on the stage-setting. She's only on for three more nights, and is absolutely worth a ticket and an hour of your evening.

Meanwhile over at optimisticpredictions.com, odds are getting pretty long on a NO bet on the notion of New Zealand becoming a republic - $13.00 says NO, $1.10 says YES.

Odds are somewhat closer on the prediction: "National wins 2005 election, forms coalition with Maori Party." YES is paying $4.60, NO is paying $1.27.

Post ends. Blogger departs for dinner at the mall with daughter's year two class. Remarks to himself that you could post a hell of a lot of these in a day.

Is New Zealand going to hell in a handcart? If you fancy your skill at predicting the future, you should hurry over to optimisticpredictions.com and help yourself to $1,500.00 worth of free bets on questions of that nature. Yes, it's a gimmick. I like gimmicks. Gimmicks got me started on the internet and one of them still does a nice job of supporting the family.

The more I produce of them, the less certainty I have that a particular one will capture people's interest or not. I just know that if you want to make a point of some kind on the old interweb, you have a very substantial range of options, constrained by merely your imagination and the criminal law of the world's various jurisdictions.

So anyway: optimisticpredictions.com. It's a companion site to the new book, Civil War and Other Optimistic Predictions. I won't give away the ending, but if you'd like to get a flavour of the thing without handing over any money, by all means click over to the site and read the free excerpt.

In the book, I test various doomsday predictions about this little country's future. For example this one:

'This country could be brought to its knees by internal conflict and perhaps civil war over the coming decades as a direct result of this bill.'

If that sounds unlikely to you, then by all means pick up a copy and find out what this author made of that comment.

All the tough ones are there:

--Is the Treaty of Waitangi driving us apart?

--Do civil unions threaten the sanctity of the family?

--Are liberal social values and political correctness undermining our moral foundations?

--Are we destined for economic or environmental meltdown?

Predicting the future - often bleakly - is a national pastime, and now you can enjoy it in the comfort of your own home in a nice, friendly, readable 200-odd-page book. And because I think it's a good idea to let people have their own say, the companion web site is running a betting market to give everyone the chance to put some free money where their mouth is and bet on the future.

Right now the odds on the Treaty being declared null and void are probably the best a gloom merchant will ever get, so if you happen to be of that doleful disposition, go on, fill your boots, before things get better.

Unrelated Update

Adam Gifford has an excellent column in this morning's Herald on Telecom's woeful broadband performance.

The talk of the week has been just one question: just what is the source of Winston Peter's fantastic scoops? Here at Public Address, we try to do what we can to bring you the news the other guys missed, and I am happy to do so this morning.

The answer came to me as the hours dragged by yesterday at Wellington airport (and a warm thank you to that helpful Air New Zealand person who wouldn't let me get to the machine to check in on the 8.30 flight, and who encouraged me to try a Palmerston North flight instead. The bloody thing - it turns out- took off a mere twenty minutes late, just as I was changing my mind and making my way back to the airport from the city. But enough of my problems. As we'll see, the country has more pressing and substantially graver ones to deal with.)

So about those scoops, Winston? Mr Brown surmises the guy has a cracking source in Immigration. He may well do. But I have concluded that there is a bigger game afoot here. I first had an inkling of it as long ago as the last election. This was when we first heard the now immortal words uttered by an uncharacteristically optimistic Winston: can we fix it? Yes we can.

What made him so sure? The answer, I suddenly realised in a flash of inspiration yesterday as I watched the thousands of stranded people wandering about the airport, lies in the superior quality of intelligence-gathering practiced by such luminaries as Rumsfeld and Bush. They know how to spot a villain in the crowd, and why? Because they have a rockin' set of playing cards. From the Three of Spades all the way to the Ace of Hearts, they've been scooping up evildoers and getting them out of harm's way, to borrow an apposite Bushism*.

And then I had a recollection: our little girl has a very interesting pack of cards at home. A Bob the Builder set of cards. I could scarcely contain my excitement. When I finally arrived home last night, I quickly made for them. Sure enough, the answer was right there in front of me. Winston is playing with a full deck.

Can we fix it? You'd better believe we can. He's already outed one evil character, and fanning through the deck, I conclude that he has another eight to go before the election, if I know my card games.

It's bad form to disclose a party's election campaign, I daresay, but vital security matters are at stake here, so I'm going to spill the beans and show you the other eight threats to New Zealand's security soon to be exposed by that fearless campaigner for right-minded, solid, grounded, realistic thinking.

Here, just to recap, is the character he has already unmasked.

Known colloquially as Spud, the man is actually a dangerous former henchman of Saddam Hussein. We can all be eternally grateful to Winston for making the danger known.

But we still have eight to go. Here now are their cards, and the little information I so far have on them after a dedicated night of Googling ( wearing of course, a tin foil hat for protection all the while.)

Rolando Gormlezz is an activist from Cuba. He is thought to have advised a radical branch of the Maori Party on insurrection techniques and is rumoured to have ties with Te Wananga o Aotearoa.

"Dizzy" is the notorious Denver-based sect leader Leonard Grabasski Destiny. A charismatic kool-ade spiker, he has been responsible for corrupting the minds of tens of thousands of impressionable new-age thinkers.

Travis M Fergusson III has lived in Illinois for several years and is a tenured professor in agriculture. This, however, is a front for eco-terrorist activities. He is believed to be distributing GE seed in agricultural exporting nations which might pose a threat to US beef interests.

Felix Innuendo is a master of disguise. He has entered various countries posing as a housepet and is suspected of having spread various strains of avian flu and possibly the ebola virus. He is only partially house-trained.

Mr Alistair "Scoop" Trotsky is a Marxist agent masquerading in New Zealand as a conspiracy theorist and reporter. His journalism cannot be trusted.

Miss Monica "Wendy" Hilton is a double agent working the bars of Wellington. It is imprudent to buy her a drink or even a plate of sandwiches at the Green Parrot.

Mr Lysack Libovtiz is a tall Israeli gentleman who does not honour his wagers, and whose tips are unreliable.

And finally the joker in the pack: the Shadowy Osama Bin Labourer - the real brains behind Al Qaeda. Using a bearded Arab in robes as his front man, this unpretentious Wellington builder by day has, by night, been taking our civilisation into the nightmare world of terrorism and reality television that is the 21st century experience. He must be stopped. If you care about the future of your nation, do not accept a quote from this man, even if you've been waiting three months for one.

* "It's in our country's interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm's way."-Washington, D.C., April 28, 2005 Slate Bushisms