Let's start with a disavowal. This post will not in any way make light of the misfortunes of Schapelle Corby in the Indonesian justice system. I am confining my remarks to making light of the misfortunes of people in the American justice system.
There's no such thing as a celebrity jail in America. Yet
But how far away can that be in an age where people like Donald Trump and Rupert Murdoch call the shots? Think about it: one big national penitentiary for all the celebs, televised around the clock, worldwide, Big-Brother style. It has ratings written all over it. Martha, Michael and Russell, all in the one place! (Assuming those last two are found guilty and sent to jail once tiresome matters such as due process are disposed of).
So could Michael Jackson and Russell Crowe one day be cellmates? And if they could, how do you think things might work out? Bitch is a word with some unhappy connotations. We won't explore them here.
But what about the fightin'? Now there's a Don King moment of wonder. You might think there's no match here -the gladiator versus the guy who's so light in his loafers he moonwalks? But don't be so sure. How many fair fights in the real world has Russell won? Actors are men who wear make up to go to work, don't forget.
What I'd really like to do is test the wisdom of the markets. Or to put it another way, I rigged up that betting system for the Optimistic Predictions site last month, and I might as well make the most of it.
So let's have a bet: Who wins a cell fight between Russell Crowe and Michael Jackson?
Click here and decide for yourself. You have 100 imaginary dollars. Go right ahead and put your money down: who wins a knock-down take-no-prisoners, bitch-slapping cell fight? Russell or Michael?
Of course, you could content yourself with texting a vote for tonight's Dancing With The Stars, but you know that's just for sissies.
Update, June 14: The jury says Michael can go home, so just in case there was any doubt before, it's clear now: this is an imaginary fight we're talking about. It's still an interesting question to ask, though, so you can still place your bets.