Speaker by Various Artists

Handicapped Parking Must Go

by David Haywood

Friday, 28 October 2005, 10:38 am
Press Release: New Zealand National Party
Dr Wayne Mapp
National Party Spokesman for Political Correctness Eradication

National Party Spokesman for Political Correctness Eradication, Wayne Mapp, says that politically correct handicapped parking must be eliminated.

"Mainstream New Zealanders are sick and tired of politically correct pandering to the handicapped," says Dr Mapp. "Most people would give their right arms to have the hand-outs and opportunities that are lavished on the disabled. Personally, I've never been on a benefit in my life. I've got where I am today by standing on my own two feet. I doubt many handicapped people could say the same thing."

"And yet, when I go to a restaurant after a hard day of playing golf with my fellow mainstream New Zealanders, I find that there are no parking spaces. Why? Because all the good parks have been taken by selfish handicapped people!"

Dr Mapp's statements are strongly supported by National Party Leader Don Brash. "I've promoted Dr Mapp to the role of Spokesman for Political Correctness Eradication as a result of an excellent speech that he made in the Koru Club bar the other day," says Dr Brash.

"Like Dr Mapp, I have very serious concerns about the free ride that is being doled out to the handicapped by this Labour Government. I particularly object to the fact that -- like many other politically correct people -- the handicapped seem to have no sense of humour. Few people enjoy a good joke more than me, except perhaps my wife, who is from Singapore. At least Maori are happy-go-lucky, laughing people, content to sit in the sun and eat watermelons. Or, rather, they were before political correctness came along."

Dr Mapp's comments have attracted praise from author and columnist Alan Duff. "Who cares about minorities anyway! I don't expect special treatment just because I'm Maori. And if I were handicapped I certainly wouldn't want people to build ramps and parking spaces for me."

Dr Mapp says that Duff's reaction shows that his campaign will strike a chord with most New Zealanders. "Of course I wouldn't want Alan to join my golf club. Not because he's Maori -- no, quite the contrary. But because we wouldn't want people to think we're letting him in just because he's Maori -- if you see what I mean."

"There's an old German saying: Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein Führer, which translates as: one country, one people, one mainstream. I think that this could be a marvellous slogan for New Zealand. The problem with handicapped people is that they're not mainstream. It's quite easy to define who is mainstream or not. One measure is -- to put it crudely -- that you don't have to sit down to go to the toilet. I'm afraid that most handicapped people do."

Dr Mapp's campaign has generated widespread support from across the political spectrum, including retired ACT MP Deborah Coddington. "Handicapped parking is political correctness gone mad," says Ms Coddington. "It just encourages handicapped people to breed, and will result in a whole generation of wheel-chair bound children. Children who, in turn, will have to be supported by the hard-working Kiwi taxpayer. While it's totally acceptable for business leaders to 'sleep around' and 'sow their wild oats', I think that most New Zealanders would agree that it's quite inappropriate for beneficiaries to enjoy themselves, let alone have sex."

"Handicapped people are giving our country an untidy, cluttered look," adds Dr Mapp. "I certainly wouldn't want a handicapped person for a next-door-neighbour. I'm quite sure they wouldn't mow their lawns properly."

Dr Mapp plans to introduce legislation which will force the government to eliminate handicapped parking spaces, or to place them as far away from buildings as possible. "There are also other, more radical, solutions which I intend to investigate when National returns to government, and I become Minister for Political Correctness Eradication. The permanent removal of handicapped people from mainstream society is certainly a possibility. Personally, I think that a few discreetly-placed 'eradication' camps would be infinitely preferable to hundreds of handicapped people cluttering up New Zealand with their wheelchairs and mobility scooters."