Radiation by Fiona Rae


Spokespeople for several illegal TV downloading websites have today proffered their sincerest thanks to the government-owned New Zealand television station, TVNZ.

“Traffic was already pretty good,” said one, “but since TVNZ stopped screening The Sopranos like the pussy little bitches they are, it’s gone through the roof on the remaining four episodes they’re not screening.”

“It goes to show that for every act of sheer bastardy that beggars belief, there’s a spin-off benefit for someone,” said another. “Those pricks have really done us a favour.”

In other thankfulness news, professional believer Ian “Wally” Washout has sent several loaves and fishes gift baskets to the Sunday Star Crimes in gratitude for its front-page promotion of his “magazine”. “It’s incredible,” said Mr Washout. “You can’t buy that sort of publicity. It’s been better than John Tamiflu talking about front bums.” When asked by a reporter, Mr Washout had earlier denied that he was the Second Coming, but said that if the Son of God were to publish a magazine, then it would be just like his.

“Just as believing in God is a leap of faith, it is similarly a matter of faith to believe anything published in Invalidate,” he said.

Spontaneous outbursts of joy have also been reported at the producers of dramatic television comedy Outrageous Fortune. The great god of television, Tangata Mita, has been shining on the comedic drama, proof that local product has not been consigned to “sleep with the fishes”. “It really is the Second Coming,” said a spokesperson from South Pontifical Pictures, “although Cheryl’s had more comings than that, if you know what I mean.”

In other news, religious and right-wing leaders have today expressed surprise and disappointment that the fabric of society hasn’t disintegrated into a million tiny pieces. “With all the homosexuals in New Zealand running the country, we can’t understand it,” said one. “Where’s the apocalypse? Where’s the Rapture?”

“I don’t know why I haven’t seen homosexuals having sex in the streets,” said another. “All I’ve seen is a few guys getting hand-jobs from prozzies down on K Road.” His royal holiness declined to be named, but said he was personally affected by “this liberal lady-loving government” before driving away in an $80,000 Ford Explorer.