Cracker by Damian Christie

It's been buggin' me

Why do I bother locking my cats in on Guy Fawkes Night when their way of rewarding my concern is to take a big crap on my bed?

Rather than reducing the speed limit to 30kph, couldn't Wellingtonians instead learn to look before crossing the road? Or are all those one-way roads leading to dumbed-down pedestrians?

Speaking of which, is there anything Wellington Coroner Garry Evans doesn't feel qualified to speak out on?

Why do they say you can't make an Omelette without breaking a few eggs? Patently not true.

Why do they also say "pay peanuts, get monkeys"? Again not true. Pay peanuts, get elephants. Everyone knows elephants love peanuts. They can even fire them from their trunk like a machine gun if cornered. Elephants are particularly useful as workers, as long as you need logs dragged around, heavy lifting, remembering stuff, that kind of thing.

[Monkeys are also useful, in their own way, but if you want monkeys you should seriously consider paying in bananas, rather than peanuts. If you have enough monkeys (and even more bananas) you could try testing the old theory about a million monkeys typing on a million typewriters eventually writing the entire works of Shakespeare. If you don’t have the finances, patience or storage space to try your own Shakespearian monkey sweatshop, you could just use this simulator.]

Is there anything Auckland gossirazzo Bridget Saunders doesn't feel qualified to expound on? Last Sunday it an appraisal of the nation's television news. What next, stock market advice?

Why are six of the top ten search terms for publicaddress related to pornography?

Are people searching for "Hard Nudes" disappointed to find the considered opinions of a 40-something socialist?

Did the person searching for "Address of Jesus" find what they were looking for?

What about "Elton John in a Nappy"? "Uma Thurman Hardly Has a Belly Button"? "A Condom with a Picture of Spongebob on It?"

Should I quit while I'm ahead?