Posts by Tamara
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Up Front: It's Not Sex, and It's Not Education, in reply to Emma Hart,
Oh my goodness! Thank you very much! I wish I was still in touch with my intermediate school friend who was also a fan. Perhaps she's reading now?
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Up Front: It's Not Sex, and It's Not Education, in reply to Emma Hart,
Wow, we must be the same age! Jareth in those britches...
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Hard News: Complaint and culture, in reply to George Darroch,
It is worth clarifying the issues, however, I think that at least in regards to breastfeeding there are a couple more. For example: if a mother is obliged to provide the breastfeeding benefits is it appropriate for other parties to coerce or compel her to? Are there other factors (eg mother's wellbeing) that may outweigh the baby's interest in receiving the breastfeeding benefits? It looks to me that these are key issues in the ongoing controversy.
I have birthed and breastfed two children with negligible problems, so I've been fortunate enough not to have seen the dark side of the maternity and breastfeeding systems. However, from what I've heard from other mothers and in blog discussions like these it seems to me that in New Zealand the pro-breastfeeding/anti-formula position is more aggressive than it needs to be. At least one friend was made to feel like a terrible mother by her plunket nurse because she couldn't satisfy her baby's milk needs.
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Up Front: I'll Be in My Bunk, in reply to Sacha,
Yeah, must admit I was slightly creeped out by Sisarich's use of that expression in the NZNTM context...
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Also, given that her name makes her sound like a character in a romance or erotic story I am doubly disappointed in DGM.
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Up Front: Respectably-Dressed Sensible…, in reply to giovanni tiso,
I didn't intend to give offence regarding your friends, so sorry about that. I would say that it's hard for me to know what you meant by "little shits" cause sometimes people just have unreasonable expectations of children so when they don't meet them they they are considered to be misbehaving. However, if you mean, children without the consideration for others you think would be appropriate for their stage of development then I would say, okay, so that method didn't work for reasons beyond me as I have no information and am no expert anyway!
Regarding your daughter, I am sorry, I didn't consider that the statement was really inappropriate if someone is not neurotypical. That is definitely more complex and I won't presume to say anything more about that.
I do realise that not all children are the same. But gentle parenting is also about being responsive to your particular child's needs that is taken into account. I appreciate there is a balance to be found between not shoehorning a child into social expectations that do not suit him or her, and teaching them how to get along. Plus, gentle/unconditional parenting does not hold that your children never have to do something they don't want to do. It is not the same as laissez-faire parenting.
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Up Front: Respectably-Dressed Sensible…, in reply to Deborah,
Thanks for linking to that Deborah. That was pretty astonishing and disturbing.
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Up Front: Respectably-Dressed Sensible…, in reply to giovanni tiso,
Well, I have read a bit about this and also seen comments like yours. And of course, my family is a work in progress! But I suspect that what you often saw was what looked like progressive parenting but was just lazy parenting! If the approaches are implemented properly you should suceed in raising sensitive, considerate people, not "little sh*ts". A lot of it comes down to modelling, as I've said. If I act considerately towards my children and other people, and they see me doing that with pleasure and satisfaction, then they will emulate that. I want my children to treat others well because it makes them feel good, not because they have to or I will punish them. You can't treat people properly if it doesn't come from a genuine place.
As for sitting down/eating with everyone else, aside from the question of whether that is reasonable for a particular age of child (how long can a 2 year old sit for?), the approach with gentle parenting would be this: children naturally want to belong in the family and participate in its social life so if the mealtime is enjoyable and social then they will respond positively (in age appropriate ways).
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The issue of education has made me think. Isabel and Jackie made the points that occurred to me, and are often considered by feminist parents, gentle parenting proponents and child development experts. There's a whole continuum of behaviour concerning how we learn to relate to other people. I am trying to teach my children from very young about how to play with others. How to tell when someone isn't enjoying something, to stop tickling when someone says no, or stop. This is the beginning of empathy and understanding that other people are not objects that you do things to.
Another important element is of modelling that behaviour. So from birth parents need to respect their children's bodies and personal boundaries. It is very accceptable to force your child to sit somewhere, put something on, brush their teeth, comb their hair etc. But these even these little things all take away from a child's feeling of autonomy and control over their body. So imagine, a child who has been controlled even more than that is likely to internalise that kind of approach and treat other people the same way, once they have the power.
I am worried that unless changes are made to how we treat children from the beginning of their lives we cannot expect to see change to how they treat other people once they are older.
Of course, that does not mean we shouldn't do all we can to change they way rape and consent are treated in our culture, as everyone has been discussing. However, if people are raised to believe they are entitled to control other people's bodies then even if they are not rapists themselves they are going to resist attempts to change victim blaming and other elements of rape culture.
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Up Front: Respectably-Dressed Sensible…, in reply to Tamara,
Actually, to reply to myself, I once asked my partner to do some asking. He thought it sounded a bit naff but gave it a go. Then he realised that he found it sexy too. Several years later we don't do it that way regularly but I think it still works at any stage of a relationship.