Up Front by Emma Hart

Read Post

Up Front: The Missus

126 Responses

First ←Older Page 1 2 3 4 5 6 Newer→ Last

  • giovanni tiso,

    I still don't think we need an edit button, but I could use a tutor.

    Wellington • Since Jun 2007 • 7473 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    Make that "as charged".

    "Ass charged"? We can do this all day.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4651 posts Report Reply

  • Jake Pollock,

    We can do this all day.

    Only once a week, I'm afraid.

    Raumati South • Since Nov 2006 • 489 posts Report Reply

  • Robyn Gallagher,

    I don't really see being a wife (or life-partner or whatever it is I'm identifying as) and being a mother as truly separate roles

    And yet there are mothers who aren't wives, and wives who aren't mothers. Perhaps it's because most mothers are also wives (or in a similar relationship to marriage) that we tend to just lump them all in the same category.

    For now, I'd rather stick with a series of short-term contracts rather a long-term career.

    Oh man, if I apply Tom's metaphor to my life, I'm unemployed with the occasional bout of berry-picking.

    Raglan • Since Nov 2006 • 1946 posts Report Reply

  • giovanni tiso,

    Oh man, if I apply Tom's metaphor to my life, I'm unemployed with the occasional bout of berry-picking.

    Excellent! Can we swap lives?

    Wellington • Since Jun 2007 • 7473 posts Report Reply

  • horse,

    I'm not entirely sure what that means either, though it could indicate a use for my lightsabre and thigh-boots.

    Wild applause! Too much awesome for one blog!

    Palmerston North • Since Feb 2007 • 32 posts Report Reply

  • Rachel Prosser,

    Was there anyone he liked?

    I was surprised when I read Paul's letters properly. I came to the conclusion that I don't think I'd enjoy his company.

    Christchurch • Since Mar 2008 • 228 posts Report Reply

  • Isabel Hitchings,

    And yet there are mothers who aren't wives, and wives who aren't mothers.

    And surely the married-but-childless and the childed-but-marriageless would still be a part of a family/household. However your family is structured the roles and responsibilities you have towards each other member get utterly entangled

    Christchurch • Since Jul 2007 • 719 posts Report Reply

  • Jackie Clark,

    Fantastic post, Emma. It is a thorny question, is it not?

    which is the harder job, being a mother, or being a wife

    I would interpret that as a question about the separation of roles. Not so much between wife and mother, but between parent and partner. There is a separation in the roles, I think. Look at all the people whose relationships go into freefall when the kids leave home. How to be a partner as well as being a parent. A personal example I can think of would be my mother and father. My mum was a mother and a wife, but I think, whilst she did all the things that mums do, she put more emphasis on her wifey role. My father came first, certainly after we attained the age where we could mostly look after ourselves. I've been party to many discussions with people around this very issue - how do you balance the two roles/jobs? (And they are jobs, I think, in that all relationships require work.) How do you balance all the different roles in your life? Recently I have had occasion to go into super daughter mode. It's required some thought about how to support my mother, and to be there as an effective partner. Time management, seems to be the crux of this argument. How much emotional energy do you give to each relationship?

    In my marriage we are best friends

    Heh. I never argue with my close friends, like I argue with my husband. I'm not one of those people who believes you marry your best friend. But maybe that's just me.

    And yet there are mothers who aren't wives, and wives who aren't mothers.

    Yes, count me in. Some people are perplexed by this state of being. Why would you get married if you don't want children? Don't ask me, missus, I still can't figure it out.......

    Mt Eden, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 3136 posts Report Reply

  • stephen walker,

    mother<-->father relationship
    is neither mutually exclusive with nor completely inseparable from
    wife<-->husband relationship

    nagano • Since Nov 2006 • 645 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    I'm not entirely sure what that means either, though it could indicate a use for my lightsabre and thigh-boots.

    Wild applause! Too much awesome for one blog!

    This is why it's so disappointing for people when they meet me.

    I was surprised when I read Paul's letters properly. I came to the conclusion that I don't think I'd enjoy his company.

    I got the impression I'd almost enjoy caving the smug misogynistic bastard's head in.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4651 posts Report Reply

  • Isabel Hitchings,

    I'm not one of those people who believes you marry your best friend. But maybe that's just me.

    May partner literally was my best friend for about five years before I figured out that he did it for me in ways that weren't merely intellectual. That may well colour the way I see our relationship in ways I'm not even aware of.

    Christchurch • Since Jul 2007 • 719 posts Report Reply

  • Tom Beard,

    Oh man, if I apply Tom's metaphor to my life, I'm unemployed with the occasional bout of berry-picking.

    Berries, eh? Is that what they're calling it these day?

    And I guess the "job" metaphor could be (over)extended in all sorts of directions. Freelancing, moonlighting, underemployment, self-employment, going on a sabbatical, taking a working holiday, work experience, vocational guidance counselling, a servant of two masters, on-the-job training...

    Right, I'll stop before I get too far into Benny Hill territory.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 1040 posts Report Reply

  • giovanni tiso,

    And I guess the "job" metaphor could be (over)extended in all sorts of directions.

    You've got that right.

    Wellington • Since Jun 2007 • 7473 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    May partner literally was my best friend for about five years before I figured out that he did it for me in ways that weren't merely intellectual. That may well colour the way I see our relationship in ways I'm not even aware of.

    And my relationship journey has been pretty much the exact opposite of Is's (despite us spending some years foraging in the same berry patch). It was all about the hawtness in the beginning, but if I had to spend the rest of my life as a brain in a jar I'd want it to be the jar next to his.

    The other day in the supermarket, we had just persuaded a small boy we'd never seen before to ignore his grandmother and get the cocoa pops. I turned to my partner and said "you're evil, and you're going straight to Hell'. His response was 'I hope so, I'd hate to never see you again'.

    I've never thought of this relationship as work.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4651 posts Report Reply

  • linger,

    "you're evil, and you're going straight to Hell'. His response was 'I hope so, I'd hate to never see you again'.

    Awww, that is so sweet.

    Tokyo • Since Apr 2007 • 1941 posts Report Reply

  • snakeoil,

    Wife is always a negotiable role, you are allowed to leave, maybe that's part of the perception of the 'work' involved.
    Mother (mostly) not-negotiable, in for the long run, pretty hard to divorce the kids, even when you wanna.
    I tried wife, but found my wild nature stifled by the undercurrents of the paradigm...maybe the label 'wife' caused me to stay somewhere when I should have been somewhere else, becoming a better mother.

    Blue Lynn • Since Dec 2008 • 10 posts Report Reply

  • Bart Janssen,

    men are a bit shit.

    obviously very important, and precludes becoming vice-president in a way that being corrupt and bat-fuck crazy seemingly doesn't

    the kind submissive self-controlled pure ship has sailed

    Too much win for one post Emma. People in the lab are wondering why I'm LOLing at my sequence alignments.

    Job of the husband? Well apart from being a bit shit, it's whatever is needed at the time.

    Seems to me that given the huge diversity of relationships even within PA that defining the actual activities is going to be hard for either wife or husband job.

    BUT

    Having stuffed up one relationship in my life I took the time to try and figure out what I did wrong. For me the issue was not about what job was I doing but instead that I was doing something.

    So long as you actually are still willing to do something to maintain your relationship (whatever that something might be and whatever that relationship might be) then you are doing your job. It's when you stop doing anything that you are asking for your relationship to fail.

    So what is the "job of the wife"? It's to do the job of a wife, however you define that job for yourself but you must actively do it.

    So if it's wearing thigh boots and waving a lightsaber around each full moon, then great.

    If it's providing emotional and intellectual support when your partner can't cope with the world, then great.

    If it's pretending to be interested in beads, then great.

    If it's going out to dinner and just listening, then great.

    If it's buying that Loot card for her, then great

    Just keep doing it. And I hope you'll both be wonderfully happy burning together in the fires of damnation :).

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 4460 posts Report Reply

  • Megan Wegan,

    As neither a wife nor a mother, I guess that means I'm unemployed. Shit.

    Welly • Since Jul 2008 • 1275 posts Report Reply

  • mark taslov,

    Erstwhile thread. I'm sensing that a problematic subtext in the modernization of the ancient custom of marriage, could be that in these times of supposed gender equality, where the women are often labored with the tasks of both bringing home and frying the bacon, that reconciling the two may be a valid starting point in alleviating the hypocrisy of submitting to a patriarchal system. For example If our day job were to encourage people to celebrate truancy, but our night job were to discourage our children from that very practice. Such a conflict of interest could potentially lead to one questioning one's own purpose or role on a public domain.

    Te Ika-a-Māui • Since Mar 2008 • 2281 posts Report Reply

  • Kyle Matthews,

    Having stuffed up one relationship in my life

    Only one? C'mon, that's a bit slack.

    Luckily, I've carried some of your load for you, no need for thanks.

    Since Nov 2006 • 6243 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    Such a conflict of interest could potentially lead to one questioning one's own purpose or role on a public domain.

    Or not, whatever. 'One' could be perfectly sure that 'one's purpose' was to be entertaining while not making Russell's life any more difficult than, say, Craig. 'One' could also be perfectly confident that 'one' fulfils that role. Certainly 'one' is not going to be losing any sleep.

    Only one? C'mon, that's a bit slack.

    Indeed, I've stuffed up lots, most of them mine. I did learn quite a lot through the process (like, stop treating every partner like they're the last one) - so much I should probably write some kind of relationship advice tome. There must be some more indignation out there I could exercise. I'd hate for people's indignation to get all flabby.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4651 posts Report Reply

  • Danielle,

    Why don't I ever understand anything Mark says?

    Charo World. Cuchi-cuchi!… • Since Nov 2006 • 3828 posts Report Reply

  • Isabel Hitchings,

    I've stuffed up remarkably few relationships. My record on complex not-quite-a-relationships isn't so flash though.

    Christchurch • Since Jul 2007 • 719 posts Report Reply

  • Karen White,

    <Why don't I ever understand anything Mark says?>

    Whew! I thought it was just me

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 79 posts Report Reply

First ←Older Page 1 2 3 4 5 6 Newer→ Last

Post your response…

Please sign in using your Public Address credentials…

Login

You may also create an account or retrieve your password.