Muse by Craig Ranapia

You've ruined my work morning with so many tasty things to choose from!

Bella who, apparently, "grown-ups" (well, "second-wave feminists") hate with the force of a thousand suns.

I resent the implication here that third-wave feminists don't also hate the living fuck out of Bella. We grew up with Buffy. We have standards.

I resent the implication here that third-wave feminists don’t also hate the living fuck out of Bella. We grew up with Buffy. We have standards.

Before I get forced to perform fellatio on Mr. Pointy, can I say that was a direct quote. :) Don't think "femininity" means what Berlatsky thinks it does. At least, I hope not -- and this is not only confused but downright creepy:

At the end of Twilight, Bella actually does get power. She turns into a vampire who has the physical and magical wherewithal to save her entire family from death—not to mention flatten Katniss with a flick of her perfect pale sparkly wrist. Katniss, conversely, finds that what she desired all along was domestic bliss with her nice-guy suitor and a bunch of kids running around the cottage. Explaining why she chose Peeta for her husband rather than the more swaggering Gale, Katniss says, "what I need to survive is not Gale's fire, kindled with rage and hatred. I have plenty of fire myself. What I need is the dandelion in the spring." When you're butch, you want your lover to give you flowers. When you're a girly girl like Bella, you want a lover who will give you the ability to run down and slaughter wild animals with your bare hands.

M'kay... how is that really fucking offensive, let me count the ways. Oh, screw it. I can't be bothered.

She turns into a vampire

if I gave a crap, that would count as a spoiler, no?

hate the living fuck out of Bella.

What's to hate? In the films* at least, she's slightly less blandly inoffensive than a pot of natural yogurt. Or is that the point?

We grew up with Buffy.

Mmmmm, vampire Willow.....

*Yes, I just admitted to watching twilight films. Bite me.

Mmmmm, vampire Willow

sigh

if I gave a crap, that would count as a spoiler, no?

Just between us, yes. But hasn't everyone in the world who's likely to care already read the books, seen the ghastly movies (yes, Taylor Lautner's dinner plate nipples do not stir me) and declared for Team Emo Boy or Team Monobrow?

she’s slightly less blandly inoffensive than a pot of natural yogurt

Yes, what's offensive about Bella is her total lack of offensiveness. Or personality. Or character traits. Though, yes, from what I hear, more so in the books than the movies, which I haven't seen.

But. I'm kind of not really into over-reading pop culture. I haven't even taken a side in the GRR Martin wars.

For a moment I was thinking of ‘Twilight girls gone wild’…

But. I'm kind of not really into over-reading pop culture. I haven't even taken a side in the GRR Martin wars.

There's a war? I thought it was self-evident that the short horny one is awesome, pushing children out of windows is bad (even if they snapped you getting freaky with your sister), Sean Bean is noble but dumb as a stump, and pimping out your 13 year old sister for an army is gross. Oh, and apparently in Westeros not assaulting your teen bride on your wedding night is considered bad form. The things you learn in books...

Team Emo Boy or Team Monobrow?

Surely the choice is simple?

Yes, what's offensive about Bella is her total lack of offensiveness. Or personality. Or character traits.

...and it's been argued that that is more or less exactly what makes them such a runaway* success.

I've been seeing Twilight everywhere lately, especially with New Moon's release, so I thought I'd break down why chicks go apeshit for it.

First off, the author creates a main character which is an empty shell. Her appearance isn't described in detail; that way, any female can slip into it and easily fantasize about being this person. I read 400 pages of that book and barely had any idea of what the main character looked like; as far as I was concerned she was a giant Lego brick. Appearance aside, her personality is portrayed as insecure, fumbling, and awkward - a combination anyone who ever went through puberty can relate to. By creating this "empty shell," the character becomes less of a person and more of something a female reader can put on and wear. Because I forgot her name (I think it was Barbara or Brando or something like that), I'm going to refer to her as "Pants" from here on out.

So after a few chapters of listening to Pants whine about high school, sucking at volleyball, and being the center of attention, the second major character is introduced. Imagine everything women want in a man, then exaggerate it by ten thousand - and you've got Edward Cullen. The level of detail that the author goes into while describing Edward's appearance is remarkable. At one point while reading I started counting the number of times the author used the expression "Edward's perfect face," and it was far into the double digits. The author excruciatingly details his muscular pecs, clothing, hair, eye color - even his goddamn breath (I'm not joking).

Edward intensely listens to everything Pants has to say, even if she's bitching about she had diarrhea on Christmas or her preferred method for cutting a sandwich in half. As far as the reader is concerned, Edward cares about nothing in the world more than Pants. What the author has done is created a perfect male figure - a pale Greek statue which the reader can worship and in turn be worshipped by.

Which does not necessarily make it A Deliberate Crime Against Feminism. Although, no, it doesn't help The Cause.

*see what I did there? Awesome.

Sorry to derail the Twlight discussion, but I encourage you all to go and see, if you can, The Wild Bride, Beautiful Burnout, and White at the Festival. With the caveat that I have seen none of them, but have seen work by all these companies before, and who all produce work that I wish we could see more of here. I'm also confident that Hohepa will be great as well!

Sorry to derail the Twlight discussion

not a phrase I ever thought I'd hear