Busytown by Jolisa Gracewood

We specialised in girls rather than boys, and number three arrived within twenty minutes of number two, so our experience differs from yours in some ways.

But...

Number one was (is!) an angel. Well behaved, thoughtful, intellectual (which is highly regarded in our over-educated household), a reader, astonishes us with her ideas. She had a few tantrums when she was about two, so we would put her in her room, and after a few minutes she would put herself into bed, and go to sleep. At night, she would sit in her bed and look through picture books, and then go to sleep with no problems. These days we have to scold her to get her to put the light out instead of reading 'til all hours of the night. Lovely. Isn't she wonderful, we thought, and aren't we wonderful parents.

Oh dear.

Our younger daughters are scamps. One is an utter charmer, and the other is thoroughly determined. They had a revolting spell of finger painting with... well... you really don't want to know. They delight in playing tricks, and if they can't get their own way, a good fit of heart rending sobs is on instant order. We had to put them in separate rooms, to try to put a dampener on the parties that started every night after we put them to bed. They are trouble, and they will continue to be trouble.

Second (and in our case third) children are specially designed as a punishment for parental hubris.

After a 13 year marriage and 15 year relationship to a woman that left me... childless (thank your favourite deity) I met this pocket rocket woman 8 years my junior and in every other respect my senior. And one day she hears me say that I used to want children but my first wife was barren - mentally, mostly, but probably physically as well. The prospect of children had been written off and I was well committed to a selfish life of a Dink until my new betrothed suggested having a child. At 37, that was a new idea - I had written that sort of thing off some time ago. I thought: "why not?", and so started the process of turning me from a self-centred selfish bastard into a subservient selfless parent.

But it wasn't easy.

With a father who has never, ever, told me he loves me, and only told me I was a disappointment, I was determined not to "be that man". So I dove into the "full time parent" thing. Luckily, at my age, finances were such that they didn't require me to work extended hours, and decided to become the primary caregiver - turning my annual tax return from something around 100k to 11k. But mum worked 25 hours at near-minimum wage, so we got by.

But it wasn't easy. No. Nope. Noooooo sir. I resented this baby for ****ing up my life. Not in my worst estimation had I predicted the total surrender required to look after him and totally forgo my own needs.

In the mean time, Mum got more and more detached because she was going to work (I work from home), and I was seeing first steps, first... whatevers....

All in all, a bad show.

Winding forward, we have a nearly four year old that other people constantly tell us is a delight, polite, clever and 'a great reflection on us'.

Slam dunk.

So.

The 2nd arrived 8 weeks ago. I am SO in love. I want a third right now. Mum's not that happy about that idea ;)

But this baby is getting the Royal Treatment (tm). He's getting the benefit of a "broken in" Dad. A Dad that "knows most of the tricks". And... (here is a heart breaker) where the first didn't smile for 7 months, the 2nd is beaming at me since week 5. If that's not a reflection on the parents, I don't know what is.

I was ready to have my 3rd 5 minutes after the 2nd was born. Delivery staff nearly had to restrain me to go to the other delivery rooms to "help out" :) I imagined headlines in the local paper: "Overjoyed new father unwanted by other mothers".

Nothing, and I mean literally NOTHING has phased me with the 2nd. No doubt he will offer his own challenges as time marches on, but he benefits from the hard work put in by his older - doting - brother.

I regularly apologise to my first son - under my breath - for being a "first parent", and an "old" first parent clinging to his freedom at the same time as wanting a family. The hard times I made my first little man go through... just as well he will never know.

The good thing is that both of them now enjoy a much better, and relaxed, Dad, and let's see where that takes us.

My punishment is to have clever children. Yes, I know, all parent's think their children are clever. But in our case, it may just be true. Wish us luck, as our nearly-four year old is already an expert negotiator, and we have made a rod for our backs with our 8-week old who will be absolutely perfect...

... as long as he lies in my arms.

Kids are great. It's taken my 2nd to realise it, and I'm ready for more (not so Mum!). So two it may well be (vasectomy officially suspended), but this Dad has made the transition from a selfish Dink to a selfless parent, and it wasn't easy. Nope.

It was, however, the best thing I have done to date.

(And childless people can roll their eyes.... I know how you feel - I used to be one of you ;)

Hot recipes for cold Connecticut nights?

Welcome back Jolisa (I know you can hear us over there in the kitchen). If you can find an approximation for the ingredients, this recipe is real comfort food, from the owner/sometime chef of North Shore restaurant The Engine Room.

Enjoyed the post (as usual!)

Personality and sibling order is something that has intrigued me for decades. I am the eldest of six - I have 3 sisters and 2 brothers (f/f/m/f/m/f). One thing I've paticularly noticed is variation in self-confidence, and social skills: I am very selfconfident, but a social retard. The sister next to me is highly socially skilled, but not all that self-confident. The next 2 have those abilities but not to as marked a degree as each shows up in their older sibs, and the youngest 2 have them in spades.

I think the 'second child' differences are much less if there isnt a long gap between kids (my first sister is 17 months younger, & the next 2 came at similar intervals. There was a 5 year pause - hell, our mother needed it!- before the last 2 came, and again there is roughly an 18month space between them.)

Jolissa, something to run away screaming from: at one stage my mother - who celebrates her 80th birthday this month - had four of us under 5...

Islander, welcome aboard! Four under five... shudder. And yet the ultimate rewards must be great. If you survive long enough to enjoy them, like your Mum!

Interesting point about increasing social savvy as you work your way down the family tree. I also wonder how birth order interacts with inherent temperamental differences. Like, if you're an introvert-type (deriving your energy more from solitude than from socialising), are you more likely to be a jovial introvert than the stamp-collecting kind if you've got several older siblings to buffer you in social situations? Or, do oldest-kid introverts more quickly develop a handy , chatty, hermit-crab shell to carry around with them, on account of being primarily answerable to mild-mannered but extra-verbal adults, rather than rough and tumble brothers and sisters? I dunno. Would be interesting to hear other thoughts on this.

Deborah, sounds like we have a similar situation (except that you have two to jack each other up -- how do you manage it?!). A pocket professor first time round -- although he has his feisty, sporty, contrarian side, to be sure -- and a pocket rocket the second time round. Scamp is an excellent word for it. Also, rascal, rapscallion, imp. Houdini is a constant nickname. And wriggly worm. Plus, there doesn't seem to be an off switch. The boy slept ten minutes yesterday during daylight hours. Ten. Minutes.

Makes me want to hide that stepladder. Especially as my Dad keeps saying this kid reminds him of his naughty brothers, who started off by climbing out their bedroom windows, which was just the beginning of a shall we say complex relationship with confinement... (What's that line from Back to the Future... "Better get used to those bars, kid!")

Ah, hubris. That said, I do have friends whose first babies were more on the demanding/intense/spirited/diva side, and whose latter children are cherubs sent by way of reward.

And a friend I was chatting to the other day said she was grateful for the radical energy difference between her kids; the rapscallion gets the couch potato up on his feet, and the couch potato gives the rapscallion a reason to slow down.

Wow, Belt. Thanks for that epic post! You're right, that the first baby is the test run. The adjustment can be so hard, and the poor little sausage gets the brunt of our inexperience.

Also, I don't know if this was your experience too, but they seem so much older than the are, when you've only got the one. When I think now of some of the expectations I had of wee Busytot, when he was only one, or two, or three, or four.. and next year I will kick myself for expecting so much of him when he was five, and so on... I think this is especially true if you have a verbally precocious child. They sound so cogent, it's hard to remember that their thought processes are pretty rudimentary, even while marvelling at the purity and convoluted genius of those thought processes.

(These books have been incredibly useful in clarifying what's normal for each age bracket - although we usually read a year ahead, modern kids being what they are - and reminding you that a) it's just a phase, and b) you can't "fix" some phases, you just have to live through them).

Whereas with #2, not only am I not fazed by much, but I can see him as he really is: a baby. That said, I have fretted about whether he's up to speed, largely I think because I am misremembering #1's precocity. He definitely gets the benefit of having broken-in parents, though, and should be more grateful to his big bro than he will ever realise.

Don't beat yourself up about it too much though... it really can't have been otherwise. It sounds like you've taught each other heaps, and that you're doing a great job of being their Dad.

#2 exists to remind you that children are born, not made. It's nature, not nurture, that determines their fundamental personality. We can fuck 'em up, but we can't just produce a Lucasian army of clones no matter how much we'd like a majority vote in the Famous Five.

Based on observation (no first-hand experience thank goodness), #3 exists to push families as close to divorce as possible.

Based on observation (no first-hand experience thank goodness), #3 exists to push families as close to divorce as possible.

Christ don't be saying things like that! I am in the position of being convinced (overruled?) about a third. I need more doubt like Bill Gates needs more money, i.e. not at all.

Sorry Jolisa, but I am on the other side of the first baby fence. Our first was a bugger. Probably the worst time (when he was a couple of months old) was in the evenings, holding him, rigid and screaming, in his room with all the doors between there and the dining room closed whilst my wife had dinner. A small sacrifice so she could have a wee moment of sanity.

It took upwards of 30-40 minutes to get him to sleep during the day. If we didn't make the effort he didn't sleep, and got completely wired and hysterical. Not a good time.