Island Life by David Slack


Fear and greed, son, fear and greed.

Business was light on the main Snitch Board today, after the flurry of yesterday’s trades in Solid Energy spy contracts.

Inside cleaning lady contracts for the Immigration Department were up $15 to $145, in solid trading.

Corrections Department whistle blowers fell $6 to $38.25.

Disgruntled ex-police officers also fell sharply in early trading before recovering to $88.00 plus GST, including travel expenses.

There were no trades again today for the Colonel’s secret recipe.

An unnamed party was said to be bidding $843,000 in an off-board offer for “anything interesting” about John Key.

On the Glucina Board, trading was described as detumescent.

Grainy photos of Noelle McCarthy in her smalls were steady at $2400.

Vile stories about Susan Wood dropped $215 to $4000

Interviews with builders about anything to do with poles, bedrooms and Nicky Watson or any old Auckland slapper were down $5 to $32.50 and a six pack of Export Gold.

A spokesman for the Snitch Market said that media revelations about the so-called “Snail Trail Snitch” had done little to cool demand for insider information. “Do you know what it costs to hire a team of lawyers and PR people? These people are a bargain by comparison, and the market’s flooded with them. As fast as one of them goes down, there’s another one looking for a lazy fifty. For as long as a 30G iPod costs four hundred bucks, we can keep wheeling out the bodies.”

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