Field Theory by Hadyn Green



Recently I have become rather averse to news about actual-impact-on-my-life news so I tend to view a lot of sports news instead. Other than your team losing or your favourite player getting injured or your favourite player having an affair when he really should've been trying to play better, I mean Derek Jeter can do it ferchissake! … wait where was I, oh right… apart from all of that there isn't too much to boil the blood.

Except this week when I've found a couple of things, let me share them with you.

When you run a race you can usually assume that if you run the race faster than everyone else, then you will have won. Not so say Nike.

Arien O'Connell foolishly assumed she'd won [the Nike Women's Marathon in San Francisco], simply because she ran the course faster than anyone else that day. Well, that was her first mistake.

Arien is a fifth-grade teacher, not a professional runner, so she didn't enter herself in the "elite" seeded group that started 20 minutes ahead of everyone else. However, she underestimated her awesomeness by so much that her finishing time was 11 minutes faster than the official declared winner—but when she pointed that out to race officials, they told her to go take a 26.2-mile hike.

The Nike officials said that because she wasn't entered in the Elite group that she wasn't eligible for the main prize, and anyway they had already given out all the prizes.

Nike also argued that had Arien entered in the Elite group that the lead would've seen how fast Arien was running and picked up the pace.

"If you're feeling like you're going to be a leader," race producer Dan Hirsch said Monday, "you should be in the elite pack."

Who is running PR at Nike these days? Why not give her the big prize and an ad contract! Talk about missing a trick.

For my second story of annoyance, how about some Christian-based oppression of women? There is a American football team made up of home-schooled and private schooled kids called the New Creation Center Crusaders (wait surprisingly they ain't the bad guys). Their kicker is 14-yr old Kacy Stuart, who also happens to be a girl. The rest of the team are cool with it; I'm sure Jesus, looking down from his orbiting spaceship, is cool with it; but their opposition is really not cool with it.

The first team Kacy faced relied on the Bible to express its beliefs about female football players in a pre-game statement, said New Creation athletic director Coach Ken Townley.

"The East Atlanta Mustangs didn't play us under protest but they were allowed to read a statement on their beliefs about female football players," Townley said. "They used biblical verses from the book of Romans. I was very stunned by that."

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution found what they figured was the offending biblical quote:

For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature.

Whut? Was Kacy making unnatural half-pony half-monkey monsters? Was she suffering from a "vile affection" to sport?

Still a win's a win. Let's hope the New Creation Center Crusaders go unbeaten.

And then there is just the general craziness you get when adults are paid to play children's games. Here's some Friday sports miscellany…

Here I was thinking that the India-Australia cricket series would be without controversy. Instead Adam Gilchrist (pictured wearing the worst uniform you will ever see in your life, Team KFC?) has called Indian legend and new world record holder Sachin Tendulkar a "bad sport". Gilchrist isn't playing, naturally, but the timing will certainly help his book sales.

In Swedish ice hockey what would be the best thing to do if your opponent's star player had been in a sex scandal recently? Why not throw dildos on to the ice? Why aren't New Zealand rugby fans this classy?

And while here in New Zealand we may complain about stupid referees decisions, at least Steve Walsh isn't tackling the ball carrier to stop the try

Continuing with American football, check out the left armband on Brian Urlacher (#54) here. You might have to look closely. It seems he's written himself a motivational message: "Be a asshole" [sic]

And using grammar as a segue, what are the best most possible phrase the Philadelpia Phillies could use to rally players in the World Series? How about "Why Can't Us?" (quick note to pendants: all grammar mistakes in this post is intentional)

That crazy hockey mom, really might be crazy about hockey. Sarah Palin told People magazine that:

… if she and husband Todd had had a sixth child, they had already picked a name for a boy joining siblings Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper and Trig. "I always wanted a son named Zamboni," she said.

And finally Richard Irvine has put in a very strong entry into the Dropkicks photo contest. Incredibly strong, given that we've only had two entries.

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