Field Theory by Hadyn Green


Twinkies and Pork Rinds

I am sick today. Here I sit at home, in my hoody, under blankets and suffering from a god-awful fever. I am sweaty and gross and in pain. The only, and I stress this, only, good thing about the whole situation is that I can sit and watch the Philadelphia Eagles play the Dallas Cowboys.

So while I'm stuck here I thought I'd give you: Hadyn's Guide to Watching Sport.

First of all you need to be comfortable. At home I would recommend a couch and the horizontal position. While in a pub with friends maintaining verticality means you'll be far less likely to be thrown out.

Then you'll need some sustenance. Here was my regime while watching football in the Hawaii (it's Japanese beer but that's the best they had at the supermarket). Basically you want to be Homer Simpson with the various snacks laid out around you like a buffet within arm's reach.

Rules of the game. What you don't want to be doing, and this really only applies if you're watching with friends, is yell out something like "Offside Ref!" Only to have your friend say "Nah the ball hadn't been inside the 30m line for the last five seconds so that means all of the players in odd numbered jerseys are onside." How embarrassing. I suggest either having a quick run down of various sports sites for some quick facts that you can just rattle off. "Did you know that this team has scored more points in the second half than any other team in the month of July since 1973?" Even if you make it up, how are they gonna know?

Cheering. Everyone has their own style when it comes to cheering the team. My technique is mainly to just be loud with coherent as a secondary concern. What I find to be a lot of fun is making up swear words.

Creating new swears is easy and fun! Take any two words and put them together and, ouila, a new swear word. For example: "you meatsock!" What you want to do is pick words with not many syllables, it makes them easier to shout but also anything too long can sounds like a folksy saying. For example: "you Minnesota-doorhandle!"

Here's a tip: add a real swear to add that little extra "oomph". For example: "you fucking woolcup fucker!"

The best heckle at a sports event I ever heard was yelled at an "evil" Greek wrestler in a match against a couple of good ol' Kiwi boys: "How ironic, that xenophobia has a Greek etymology!"

Combine all of these with a liberal smattering of alcohol (not recommended for those with a fever) and you'll have a great time.

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