Yellow Peril by Tze Ming Mok

Masters of disguise

I don't know about you Mabel, but I've been seeing that P-case couple everywhere. You can't even go to the beach without them popping up all chirpy in Smokey-and-the-Bandit hats and lifejackets to lecture you on the dangers of rock-fishing.

Bloody crims.

Look, that couple there coming out of Yifans! No, no, there, the ones looking dissatisfied with their frappacinos in Starbucks! Ah crap, no, here we go, there at the panellists' table of the 2006 Going Bananas: Multiple Identities mini-conference! No? Wait, look, over there in the changing rooms at Mofo in Midcity ...whoops, that was my own reflection, sorry. Cute top though, don't you think?

Yes, that was my friend Tessie in the paper on Friday, looking heroically out to sea in the water-safety-ranger hat and walk-shorts. It's not too surprising that she's recently getting mistaken for a P-dealer - just like that couple who got phoned-in to the cops in Whakatane for looking like they were having a bad time in Whakatane. Go figure. Anyway, those Herald pages kind of all blur together sometimes.

A good thing we have all those 'multiple identity' conferences. Or just one of them. Same thing.

A visiting Asian-American West Coast Hongkie journo I met last week was strip-searched at Auckland International Airport, for making the mistake of spontaneously flying in from Bali. What are these Asian people thinking, flying in to a Western country, from, like, Asia?

Isn't it the people going the other way that are the drug problem?

At least Chinese people don't get stopped at the airport for 'looking like terrorists' like the South Asians do (which is kind of like stopping white Australians at the airport because they look like they could be from Italy and therefore might have contracted bird flu from the Papal swans). But man, once the airport authorities figure out that there are around 30-40 million Muslims in China, 10 million of which don't look any different from Han Chinese, and maybe three of whom have blown something up - we are so totally screwed.