Yellow Peril by Tze Ming Mok

A slow, hocking sound.

"Four year probation period of Provisional Residency..." hhaarrrrhhcrrhHHH... "benefit stand-down extended to four years..." CrghCCHHrggHAAAAKKHH.... "wife born in Singapore..." KKKHHKSSpPPLLUAATTT!!!! Hm - what was that unexpected spitting noise? Oh, just Don Brash losing the Asian vote.

I've not seen a more conflicted, confused, and personally insulting piece of intellectual dishonesty in this election campaign (except for New Zealand First of course, but you expect that - in fact, every sentence in this post should be shadowed by that assumption) than Brash's speech on National's immigration policy. Probably because I haven't been paying attention (except for New Zealand First of course but... etc). Thanks to Idiot/Savant for the nudge, and for pointing out that Brash's speech openly admits that National's immigration policy is based on fear and resentment. Here's the dishonesty in a nutshell: the speech talks around those popular fears and resentments, bending itself into this awkward yet quite explicit position: 'The facts don't support the level of fear and resentment that exists, but we will respect the power of those prejudices, and make policy centred on the prejudice, not on the facts.'

Here's a great bit where they try to position themselves as 'moderates':

New Zealand First too often appeals to crude prejudice.

'...but we appeal to crude prejudice at just the right frequency. You know... sometimes. Like... now!'

You know - I really think he's arsed it up with the Asians now. He thinks he has us in the bag, but for chrissakes, he must have only been talking to a few of us. The really rich, white ones.

Look at the all the Asians he doesn't like:

1. The ones who spit

We do not want those who insist on their right to spit in the street..

Yeah, that big 'Right to Spit' rally the other week was a doozy. Mainlander? Spitty. Singaporeans though, you're okay. You've had spitting beaten out of you by the Singaporean Government.

2. The ones who don't do well in school

We recognise that immigrants ...can often become productive and self-supporting members of the community... The educational achievements of Asian students in our high schools prove the point.

But the artists and the skaters and the plain old lazy-bums who don't give the white kids math-inferiority complexes? Bugger off. Oh, hey look at the next sentence. "Even refugees... can often become productive members of the community." Wow! Amazing! But if they're an illiterate Somali mother of eleven with post-traumatic stress disorder and chronic machete-injuries... come back when you and your two surviving children can ace those Cambridges! Oh hang on, that's a violation of the principles of the Refugee Convention - Whoops! Quite a pain that international norms of Refugee Protection are centred on protecting the most vulnerable people in the world, rather than skimming off the most productive and skilled members of nations collapsing into war.

3. Malaysians.
What makes Don Brash think that Singaporeans are popular anyway? Note to National Party: there are way more Malaysians in New Zealand than Singaporeans... and Malaysia threw Singapore out of Malaysia.

4. The ones who can't find a job within the first two years ...because of the ingrained xenophobia proven time and time and time again to shut skilled non-white migrants out of the job market for not just months, but years.

We will extend the benefit stand-down period from two years to four years... A four-year benefit stand-down period sends a clear message to those people with inadequate family sponsorship and insufficient skills.

You know what? Skilled-migrant category immigrants on the dole are not on the dole because they don't have sufficient skills.

5. The ones with high-grade qualifications who are seriously underemployed ...who have been driving taxis and working in factories for years, slowly losing their self respect and their faith in the New Zealand people - and who then move to Australia and are immediately employed in their field of expertise. Which is generally not taxi-driving, nor can-stacking.

We will introduce a four-year qualification period of Provisional Residence for all new migrants.

You want to put these people on PROBATION?? Don't you freakin' realise that it's NEW ZEALAND that's on probation here? They already know that New Zealanders don't trust them in the workplace. To be told that New Zealand doesn't trust them to even be residents is just the final insult. It's remarkable that throughout this 'moderate', Asian-wife-loving speech, I can find no mention whatsoever of support for regional employment-focused migrant resettlement strategies, or working to reduce employer-discrimination and promote culturally diverse workplaces to take advantage of the massive underused migrant skill-base. NONE.

6. Even the ones who are stinking rich, but who can't establish a profitable employing business straight away and need to go back to Taiwan for a bit ...because these things just aren't that freaking easy, even when you take the ingrained xenophobia proven time and time again etc. out of the equation.

We will require business migrants to create at least two permanent full-time jobs for non-family members.

7. ME. I said this was personal, didn't I.

we want immigrants who will be Chinese New Zealanders, or Pacific Island New Zealanders - not New Zealand Chinese or New Zealand Pacific Islanders.

Apologies in advance to polite Public Address readers.

Really. I'm really sorry.

And uh ...sorry in advance to Le Jan (I think that's her name), who knows my Singaporean 'aunties', and my ma almost went with her to the Ellerslie Flower Show one year but then didn't, and I'm sure she's a very nice person.

And sorry to those who can read Chinese.

No, really, sorry...



AAAARRRRRGHHHHH! 操你妈的臭屁股!!! 操你爷爷的骚屁眼!!!! 操你八辈子祖宗!!!!

Ahem. Oh, and you have a pretty green hat.

I am not a 'Chinese New Zealander'. I don't have any problem with people who do identify as such. How you feel is how you feel. The phrase 'Kiwi Asian' kind of makes me cringe, but those KAC Cats have a right to be who they are, and to be happy with it. It's just not who I am. I'm New Zealand Chinese, Chinese is the noun, New Zealand is the adjective, and I see myself as a member of that particular branch of the diaspora that exists only through having been made in New Zealand. And if you're in the business of telling people who they shouldn't be, what they shouldn't feel about their ethnic identity, and what they're not allowed to call themselves, well fuck you. Hell yeah I'll spit all over your street, see if I don't, I'll spit you out before you can spit me out.

Sorry if this makes me seem unexpectedly and foully partisan. Maybe all the other parties' immigration policies are just as bad - who knows? Though you can see why I barely have the stomach to look now, right?