Posts by Megan Wegan
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Hard News: Rape and unreason, in reply to Dylan Reeve,
But I do think that the argument that woman should “stay out of trouble” such as made by Bob Jones and, arguably, society at large is pretty much the same as the argument that women should view all men as a potential threat. I think both have the same basis in risk avoidance and both perpetuate an unhealthy view of the issue.
We are at risk.
Take a moment to let that sink in. This isn’t a thing we’re imagining. I’ve been assaulted twice in my life, and I consider myself lucky that neither of them were worse. Countless of my friends have been assaulted, some in horrific ways, and the fact that any of them can leave the house is astounding to me. Never mind the constant reminders that, as Jackie describes in her lovely post, being outside is dangerous.
Let’s go back to that study that Danielle linked to yesterday.
If a survey asks men, for example, if they ever “had sexual intercourse with someone, even though they did not want to, because they were too intoxicated (on alcohol or drugs) to resist your sexual advances,” some of them will say yes, as long as the questions don’t use the “R” word.
Teaching people about consent – because that’s what we’re talking about, no matter how much it feels to you like you’re being called a mean name – is the ONLY thing that will fix that. The point is that it doesn’t matter if we call them rapists. they don’t think they are, because women’s bodies (and some men’s) are a thing to which they are entitled.
To six percent of men. That might not seem like a lot, but I have 114 male-identifying friends on facebook. I’m pretty bad at maths, but that means I potentially know seven men who might hurt me, right?
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Hard News: Rape and unreason, in reply to Dylan Reeve,
Let me get this straight.
1. Your feelings “as a man” are more important than teaching people what rape is, and how to prevent it.
2. Because of the way society preaches to women that it is our responsibility to prevent ourselves being attacked, we should not leave the house if we don’t feel safe. And that our not feeling safe is “unreasonable”?
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Yeah, there’s some education needed there, but I think it’s more subtle than “hey men, don’t rape” – although to be honest in most of those situations it should be pretty clear that it’s not okay (per golden rule thing discussed before).
We seem to be arguing at cross purposes, because _of course_ it's more subtle than "hey dudes, don't rape." It also requires a societal change to not treat women as property and a whole bunch of other things.
The point we're trying to make is that women already get the message that all men are potentially rapists, and it's up to us to figure out how to prevent it. It's not up to us. It's up to you guys. Because yes. People who rape do take their cues from you. Every rape joke people laugh at. Every short skirt comment. Because more than one woman who comments here can tell you that those situations aren't clear.
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I’ve always found this issue troubling. There are people who claim that a man in a relationship with a woman is sexually assaulting her if he makes attempts to initiate sex without specific and clear consent ahead of time.
I truly don’t understand this. Is it really that hard, when you’re getting busy, to check in and make sure everyone is happy?
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I really do think that telling the entire male population that they must make an effort not to rape is suggesting that it should take some effort. I think it suggests that to rapists and to everyone else as well.
The thing is, it apparently does take some effort. The dude who doesn't understand that the girl he's with is too drunk to consent. The woman who won't take no for an answer, because men should always be up for it. The guy who can't help himself because she's said yes every other time, and why should now be any different. Or because she said yes to his friend. Rapists aren't always a scary guy in a black coat, they're people we know.
It's all very well and good to say that it's our "perception" that many men rape. But many women will be assaulted. And most women will know someone who has been. So we avoid dark corners, and don't go to parties where that one guy is, and are scared in our own homes. And we behave that way because we're taught to believe that there is something we can do to prevent being attacked. There's not. What we _can_ do is prevent people being attackers.
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Hard News: Rape and unreason, in reply to Dylan Reeve,
I don’t think that’s true. Every man can be perceived as a potential threat, but almost every man is not a threat.
Telling every man to not be a rapist is conditioning women to believe every that every man may be a rapist, and generally increasing distrust between men and women.
We already think that. Seriously. We are taught at KINDERGARTEN to look out for strange men, and to "regulate our behaviour" to adjust for rapacious men.
And the trick is? THERE IS ACTUALLY NOTHING WE CAN DO TO AVOID THEM.
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Rapists are the ones who rape. The vast majority of men are not rapists and when that idea of telling men not to rape idea becomes popular (it has at some events and in some circumstances) then it creates the opposite situation where instead of women being seen to be potentially inviting an attack, all men are seen as being potential attackers.
Dude. I don't know if you know this, but in some situations, every man is a potential rapist. When I'm walking home at night, every man is a potential threat to me. When an elderly lady is at home alone, every stranger could cause her harm.
And when we teach women that wearing Short skirts invites rape, that actually IS what we are saying. We're saying that every man is a hemline/drunk chick/dark pathway away from being a rapist. It's almost like y'all want us to be afraid.
We shouldn’t blame women for somehow making themselves victims, but it’s also not beneficial to implicitly or explicitly that every man is a likely rapist.
DUDE. Women don't make themselves victims. (Nor do men who are the victims of crimes.) Abusers and assaulters and rapists make people victims.
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Hard News: Rape and unreason, in reply to Sofie Bribiesca,
But I do agree the “leaping in and Firing” on the blogs or the tweets can be quite upsetting for others.
I have, very recently started to see this another way. I have stayed quiet about being assaulted for years. I avoided Twitter for most of the day yesterday because I was finding it really upsetting, and I didn’t have the energy. (Plus, I was real busy.)
But I popped in for a while at lunchtime and tweeted about the things people said to me after I was assaulted last year. Things like “you shouldn’t have let him in the house”. (As though I had a choice in the matter.)
I did that because people need to know that a) every time they say stuff like that, they contribute to the culture that Jones is the figurehead of, b) that when people say the things he said it hurts victims, and c) because I am pretty done shutting up about it. I was assaulted, and nothing I did in the hours and days and months leading up to that was wrong, and nothing I did contributed to it, and nothing I did was bad, except that I made the acquaintance of a bad person.
I don’t tell my stories often because they hurt to tell. I’d like never to have to tell them. I’d like no other survivor to ever have to talk about things they don’t want to. But I want to live in a world where victims of violent crime can talk about what happened to them, without worrying about whether the person they’re talking to is wondering how short their skirt was.
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Hard News: Rape and unreason, in reply to Emma Hart,
And anyone who has spent any time in trauma counselling (which is not to say every victim of violence does - the vast majority don't, and again, I would beg people to submit to the select committee I linked to a page back) knows what a trigger is.
I didn't. I used to put trigger warnings on things, because I understood that that was what one did when one was writing about violence or hatred. I didn't understand why.
And then stuff happened, and one day I was flicking through tumblr, and an image that would have seemed relatively innocuous, if a bit porny, to most people, made me Lose My Shit.
That was my first panic attack, and I wouldn't wish those on anyone. I can't control for everything in my life, but I can, where it's available, make a decision about whether I have the energy to stop myself freaking the fuck out.
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Hard News: Rape and unreason, in reply to BenWilson,
Also?
Women =/= cars/tills/any other property.