Posts by Hilary Stace
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Up Front: Professional Counsel, in reply to Jackie Clark,
It was a long time ago – and babies born when he died now have babies of their own. But that thing of there being no rules, no normal way to do grief is so right. It can also take a long time to fade from painful to chronic sorrow, to just memory, but it happens eventually. Good to have lots of safe talking opportunities along the way.
Incidentally, heard a talk by the head of counselling at Vic yesterday in the light of the big earthquake we had and the ongoing smaller ones we keep having. He said that same thing, no normal way to react, and for many, especially those who experienced the Christchurch ones, it could trigger even more severe anxiety. But he said keep talking to each other as that will also help rebalance the logical brain (the buildings have been checked for safety, and there are good systems in place) with the emotional brain (terror). Said make an effort to keep talking to colleagues and seek professional help if needed. Talking is good!
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Up Front: Professional Counsel, in reply to Jackie Clark,
The first time I went to a counsellor was when I was supporting a family member (my husband) who was terminally ill. I had read the contact details on the noticeboard in the ward numerous times but thought all that usual stuff about my needs not being important, that there are probably more worthy people who need their time etc etc. She did home visits which also causes anxiety for me not having a house like the ones in the magazines. However, was great. All that stuff about there being no rules for the correct way to support someone, and that you are allowed to have a range of emotions, and what's more it is OK to talk about them to the person with the illness. Being honest with each other meant no more tiptoeing around each other, worrying about not upsetting the other person, trying to be strong all the time. Meant the last few months were good quality time. All from one free hospital-provided counselling session.
I also found a good counsellor to go to quite regularly after he died as I found anticpatory grief is not the same as actual grief - but that is another story.
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Some good resources here too http://www.skylight.org.nz/ Mainly aimed at children, young people and families but not exclusively. Wellington based but some services in other centres.
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Thanks for your post Judith. I am one of those who has found talk therapy vital in dealing with grief stuff including family deaths. But you have to find the right person.
My daughter is a counsellor who works for an NGO which specialises in supporting children and families, particularly those suffering grief and loss. She seems to spend a lot of time trying to get funding especially for counselling for children. If I won Lotto this is a cause I would donate to. Many families under stress just cannot afford counselling and there have been cut backs to funding through PHOs, CYFs and similar routes. As a society we do not value children, and pay lip service to their resilience but are not prepared to resource it or put the needs of children central to government policy. The new Family Court rules are an example.
I also found out what high professional standards are required to join the NZ Assoc of Counsellors (so people can trust counsellors who are members of NZAC), and how little she is paid compared to her previous nursing carer.
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Capture: Upside Down, Inside Out, in reply to JacksonP,
I was sort of prepared as I looked into some other offices first, but I must admit to a sharp intake of breath on seeing the scale in our little space. The building itself was fine (as were most offices - this was one of the worst affected) but it is on reclaimed land which seems a bit shakier than at my house on the hill, where we only had a couple of minor things fall off shelves. Two colleagues down the corridor were there during the event itself and found shelter under their desks. The mess is really only paper with the odd displaced wooden shelf, computer monitor and file drawer.
But what I don't like are the ongoing little shakes, which hopefully are slowing down now. How did Christchurch people endure them for all those months?
On the positive side it has made people much more aware of the need to have good processes and preparedness.
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Found some upside down stuff when were finally allowed to check out our offices yesterday
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Hard News: Tooled Up for Food, in reply to Bart Janssen,
Thanks, I knew someone would know. Pity it doesn't go in the dishwasher though. Sadly, that is my main criterion for cookware.
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You can still get some new old stuff. Ruth Pretty sells new old fashioned gem irons. What is it about cast iron that makes for such good baking and cooking?
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I've got one of these 1940 sunbeam mixers in the garage (complete with juicer). My mother used it for about 50 years. I think it still works but haven't checked for a few years. My daughter wanted to throw it out but one day someone will want to rescue it.
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That photo of the pasta machine reminded me that when a former flatmate (later husband) moved into our flat in 1981 he brought his pasta machine, parmesan cheese grater (cylindrical with a handle at the top), one-person expresso coffee pot, wok steamer, rice cooker, mongolian hotpot thing and a whole lot of other cooking equipment we had not seen before. And used them all expertly. Originally from Dunedin, he had been an AFS scholar in Italy in the 70s and and then spent two years on a tertiary student exchange in China. He took the pasta machine on holidays and dangled fresh pasta from tree branches to the amusement of many. On occasional overseas trips (his work involved a bit of travelling) he brought back Le Creuset pieces from France.
He subscribed to Cuisine from the first issue and was the first person I knew to partner green peppercorns with strawberries. When our baby was born near midnight he was sent home, but came back a few hours later with little tarts of strawberry and creme patisserie which he had created - the most perfect food for the occasion. I think he was in an innovative rush as he died in 1989. I still have the Le Creuset.
