Posts by David Haywood
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Delighted and humbled that this has provided some Friday amusement for people.
A WARNING: what happens is this. Emma Hart says: "Oh, you can't understand Western Civilization if you haven't read Heinlein" (or words to that effect*). And then she herself forgets what's in Heinlein's books.
The quote was, of course, the 'Mother Thing' paraphrasing Shakespeare in 'Have Spacesuit Will Travel'. As you'll recall, the galactic court had just sent the wormfaces' planet (which orbits Proxima Centauri) into another dimension.
I'm betting that this fact will make all of you think a little more deeply about the workings of Western Civilization.
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* Or, in fact, nothing like this at all...
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I know where you live, matey...
Put that in especially for you, Emma.
[Bonus geek points: can you identify which novel the "T'were well it done quickly" quote is from.]
I assume that's a piss-take?
Sort of a piss-take. Sort of a homage to the awesome logical structure of Michael Laws's columns. Sort of a job application for a column of my own at SST. Bit of all three, really.
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If you're feeling depressed about NZ's economic woes, then you can always cheer yourself up with this story from the Guardian:
Peace index ranks New Zealand the safest country in the world
Mind you, as a NZer, you can cheer yourself up with any story from the Guardian about the British economy and political class.
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Whoops! Sorry, I didn't realize that this thread has sprung back to life. Have been slowly recovering from playing with Bob-the-baby yesterday in the snowy Port Hills (by the way, if you're in CHCH, I thoroughly recommend a visit -- the snow on the pine trees is very pretty).
Robyn Gallagher wrote:
Basically, I read the post, then read the comments and realised that I didn't really get it, but that (at that point) the all-male commenters did get it. So I lept to a conclusion.
No worries, matey. I was just confused by the "as a woman" bit -- wondering what it could have been.
There's certainly no law to say that you have to think my stuff is funny. (Mind you, that will all change when I become President-for-life of New Zealand. At that point it *will* become compulsory to laugh at all my jokes, and enhanced interrogation techniques will be applied to anyone who doesn't guffaw heartily enough.)
Rich of Observationz and Ian Dalziel wrote:
A country doctor saved the life of an Australian teenager by boring a hole into his skull with a household power drill to remove a blood clot.
Ha! Yesterday, my inbox was full of emails pointing this out to me. And, yeah, I do take a little credit for inspiring that doctor to get out the drill and save the boy's life. I'll be a bit disappointed if I don't get some sort of 'thank you' gift from the lad's parents.
A few other people have pointed out that there's another Dear Dr David column offering Biblically-based advice on marriage and family. I don't think he recommends enough surgery-based solutions.
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Robyn Gallagher wrote:
As a woman, I feel alienated by this thread.
I'm not entirely sure whether this is a sophisticated post-modern joke, or not. If not, then apologies if I've inadvertently caused any offence to womankind -- none intended, I assure you!
Er... could you possible expand upon the reasons for your womanly alienation? This is a serious question: I'm a little perplexed (I'm not taking the piss or anything here -- I'm really very mystified).
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Rich of Observationz wrote:
I thought the trick for tank welding involved filling the tank with water?
At the risk of going way off topic: I haven't heard of filling petrol tanks with water for welding/brazing -- but then that's the only petrol tank I've ever worked on, and I was just following orders. Actually, it's hard to imagine how you could weld/braze a tank full of water, but then (despite several years where I seemed to do nothing but weld) I've never tried it in, on, or near water, so maybe it's possible. It would be very cool to do arc-welding in water, I should think...
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John wrote:
I think your suggestion to use an angle grinder to get into the petrol tank is quite irresponsible and I may need to dob you in to OSH
Please note that, for nervous patients, I also included the safer option of using an oxy-acetylene torch*.
Rob Stowell wrote:
PS: Emma- much the best solvent is more of the same blood. It has to be fresh, and the same type. If this individual is unavailable (or unwilling) to clean up their mess, a near relative is your best bet.
Or you could drain off some of your own blood, and when the ambulance takes you to hospital, demand a transfusion of blood only from the person who messed up your ute. Then you 'palm' the packages of blood, break out of the hospital, and -- hey presto -- you now have everything you need to clean up the spill.
Geoff Lealand wrote:
I guess you have a good remedy for persistent gout? Involves hanging around railway tracks?
I suspect that you must already be a doctor, Geoff.
Paul Rowe wrote:
Do you have a cure for a broken heart?
My normal recommendation is a holiday on Waiheke Island.
Failing that, why not take up a hobby? Many people find that gun-collecting is a good way to dispel those recurring mental images of your former partner and their new lover in the throes of sexual ecstasy.
Imagine the loneliness of a loveless Friday night (you probably don't have to imagine this anymore, I guess) -- what better way to while away those long hours than by counting your ammo, setting up your telescopic sights, converting your weapons from semi to fully-automatic, and rehearsing your alibi?
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*[An aside: as a student engineer fulfilling my 'trade' labour quotient, I once had to repair a petrol tank on a vintage car. Very stressful as they are known for blowing up and killing people even when empty (the petrol can leave a residue that vaporizes into a flammable gas when heated). You're supposed to soak the petrol tank in soapy water for three days, which I did -- but, even so, I felt exceedingly nervous as I started brazing...] -
Leigh Kennaway wrote:
Do you also practise midwifery?
Midwifery and obstetrics are hoaxes, Leigh -- plain and simple. In China, almost all women give birth in the rice paddies and go straight back to work afterwards. And there's no reason that women from other countries can't do the same. Mind you, my Chinese friends deny that any such thing occurs in China. In this they are mistaken -- it's a well-known medical fact.
Tim Michie wrote
So the southerly cold snap numbs so well no anasthetic required..?
All the procedures described here are trivial from a medical perspective, and will produce nothing worse than a slight 'stinging' sensation.
Please remember that you are a New Zealander, Tim. Did Colin Meads ask for anaesthetic when he broke his spine during the famous match against Eastern Transvaal? No, he did not -- he played on!
Ian Dalziel wrote:
As a child I was offered a shandy... [I] now realise I got off lightly...
There are many medical practitioners who would advocate for drilling a few holes in your skull anyway, Ian -- just as a precaution. Let me know if you want my advice on this. (Hint: my answer will be 'yes').
Kyle Matthews wrote
What sort of bicycle pump sucks up liquid? Is it broken?
Think you're smart, don't you, Matthews? For your information, the liquid nitrogen will freeze the elastomeric valve, allowing it to both suck and blow (kind of like the ACT party). You clearly weren't paying attention when your physics lecturer was squirting liquid nitrogen over his students during the cryogenic lectures -- were you, Matthews?
Ian MacKay wrote:
I have recently been recognised for my immense intellect and ability to speak openly, frankly and with great humanity. I have been called to take up an important role to shape the destiny and welfare of all the children in NZ...
See my reply to Ian Dalziel above.
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I feel strangely compelled to write a short story about the Emir of Temuka.
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Apologies for delay in replying to these messages -- it's as if I have a small person who follows me around all day shouting "Daddy do trick!" and "Daddy sing song!" and who screams "No no no no no no no NO!" whenever I sit at my desk (not that I'm complaining -- I'm very happy to have the small person around).
Good point about the 100 dollar bills, Paul. I've just talked to Bollard and he reckons that, actually, it was fifty dollar bills (with mice). He was pretty upset about being called "full of shit" though, and says he's going to "have a word with you" as soon as "the economy settles down again".
Interesting question about the photo and the lingerie. I wonder if that was Bollard's ex-girlfriend, Judy Collins. He dated her when she was a successful folk singer in the US -- but now, of course, she's the MP for Clevedon, and (as I understand it) a real thorn in his side.
Joe Wylie wrote:
The Richmond Workingmen's Club is renowned as a hotbed of that Erwige Blumenkraft stuff.
Ah, I see that you've spent some time there too.