Speaker by Various Artists

Recently we got an official letter from the Canterbury District Health Board, telling us that under no circumstances was my son to become a train driver.

Now, apart from the fact that my son hasn't shown the slightest interest in trains since he outgrew Thomas the Tank Engine, this is patently ridiculous. Anyone with even a passing acquaintance with our family knows that the one who shouldn't be allowed to drive any kind of large vehicle is my daughter. If there's a person who could shrug off a level crossing accident and go straight back to yelling 'shovel on more kittens!', it's my girl. (Trains are of course not powered by burning kittens. Not at all. Ever. But it should be pointed out that technically kittens are a biofuel.) I suspect she has a useful career in front of her, crashing UNIMOGs in world trouble-spots.

On closer examination, the ban on train driving (and piloting airplanes) is due to someone finally noticing that four years ago my son was diagnosed with a mild form of colour-blindness. Not classic red-green colour-blindness (which I can see could cause problems for any train drivers also not able to distinguish 'top light' from 'bottom light'), but a problem distinguishing tints and shades at the blue end of the spectrum. So far as I can tell, this means he should under no circumstances become an interior designer.

Still, it's nice to know the DHB is so interested in protecting the safety of the public from the spiralling threat of colour-blind public transport operators. Except it's not colour-blindness, but 'reduced appreciation of differences in colour'. Put like that, it sounds pretty damn good. I think he also might have 'reduced appreciation of parental input into clean dry clothing and hot food supply'.

From a personal point of view, fortunately our son has no interest in any of the non-colour-blind professions. No, he wants to be a writer, so really our only problem will be feeding and clothing an unemployed forty year old. Though if my high school was anything to go by, he could have a profitable career failing to read numbers in front of science classes.

Colour-blindness is not the only under-appreciated disability. Lately I've been made acutely aware of my own. I'm part of a sizeable minority who go through life, our handicap largely invisible, struggling with a world constructed to our disadvantage by a majority so secure in their dominance they can't even see it. I'm left-handed.

Apart from school turning my hand blue, it's never really bothered me. But recently, my partner got sick of watching me struggle and ordered me a left-handed can opener.

I think he was a bit surprised to come home and have it narrowly miss his head, wrapped in brightly-coloured invective. Once the swearing consolidated, he grasped the source of my fury. I have to admit, it might have been somewhat illogical.

"Why didn't someone tell me it's supposed to be this easy? I've been opening tins for twenty years! All that wasted time! I could have finished It's Cold Eh, Let's Socialise the Health System: the Correlation Between Climate and Politics. You bastard!"

Now I see this discrimination everywhere I go. Why should a useable pair of scissors cost me $180? My butcher father losing the tip of his thumb in a bone-saw was probably because of the dextriarchal arrangement of most tools, and not due to his alcoholism at all.

In the midst of all these oppressive lift buttons, pens, folders, scissors and fracking can openers, it's not all misery. Turns out being a lefty may make you more likely to be richer, more intelligent, better-educated, more creative, and gayer - the so-called Freddy Mercury Effect. At least, that's according to 'some studies'. And the other day I was looking at a photo of Barack Obama signing books and it leapt out at me. The Senator from Illinois is a south-paw. This is something he shares with Bill Clinton, Al Gore, John McCain and George Bush snr. As privileged as their lives might seem, all of those men know what it's like to be oppressed by a simple can of beans. Who knows how many times those men wept silent tears over their inability to find a left-handed cigar clipper or data projector?

At least my mother never received a letter from her DHB telling her I should be advised away from the manual-dexterity professions. And the next time I'm struggling with a tyrannically right-handed box of fireworks, at least I know my son will still be trying to work out which is the blue touch-paper.

The reports coming out of southwest China's Sichuan Province after last Monday's earthquake are grim. Up to 50,000 feared dead as I write and the very real prospect of many thousands more losses as bodies continue to be uncovered. The scenes are heartrending. Orphaned children huddled together in blank-faced shock, bereft parents sobbing for the sons and daughters they will never see again, entire towns and villages all but obliterated.

And in the thick of it all are China's top leaders. Renowned presser of the common flesh, Premier Wen Jiabao, was rolling up his sleeves to oversee rescue work in Sichuan just six hours after the tremor. Shots of the teary eyed premier comforting grief stricken children and handing out bottled water to those left with nothing were all over the evening news.

President Hu Jintao was not far behind, arriving in the provincial capital Chengdu on Friday where he declared, "We must make every effort, race against time and overcome all difficulties to achieve the final victory of the relief efforts."

It's hard to know exactly what a final victory against a massively destructive natural disaster would look like, but you can be sure the People's Liberation Army, fully equipped as they are with spades and the odd helicopter, will fight to the end.

But the day's most interesting comments came from Premier Wen. Chinese state newswire service Xinhua quoted him as saying the quake was "the biggest and most destructive [natural disaster] since new China was founded in 1949" and adding that this time, "the quick response had helped reduce casualties to the greatest extent." It seems likely that many more could have been saved if the country's non-existent emergency response team were on hand with specialist rescue equipment, but that's not the interesting bit really.

The interesting bit is this: In July 1976 Tangshan city, some 140km southeast of Beijing, was all but flattened by a quake. The official death toll of 242,419 was given by the China Seismological Bureau in 1988 (yes, 12 years later) but the actual figure is likely to have been around three times higher. Is it possible the premier could have forgotten about this? Surely not. Three quarters of a million deaths is a lot even in the world's most populated country, as is 242,419 come to that. So why would he choose to ignore this?

Politics. 1976 was a turbulent year for the Chinese Communist Party (CPC). The people were weary of the lunacy of the Cultural Revolution, in January the much-loved Premier Zhou Enlai had died and Chairman Mao Zedong was old and infirm, six weeks after the quake he was dead too. The government response to the disaster was manipulated by CPC factions fighting for supremacy as Mao lay dying. (Take a look here if you want a brief rundown.)

Perhaps even more shameful for the present CPC leaders was the rescue operation. The official response was far too slow and all foreign aid and expert assistance was refused, even from the UN. No foreign reporters were allowed into the ruined city until seven years later.

There was no mucking around this time. Tens of thousands of troops were mobilized immediately and international contributions are being gratefully received. By Friday, expert search and rescue teams from Japan, Russia, South Korea and Singapore were at the scene – the first overseas professional rescuers allowed into the country for sixty years.
Natural disasters can be a boon to beleaguered politicians. If well handled, they provide PR opportunities on a scale that not even China's Party Propaganda Department could whip up. (Actually they changed the English name to the Publicity Department in 1998 but I prefer the old name. Why lie about a liar?)

China's international image has taken a battering by protests surrounding the Olympic torch relay and claims that not enough has been done to honour promises made to improve its human rights record. Back home, endless government corruption scandals, soaring inflation, illegal land grabs and the ever-widening wealth gap are putting immense pressure on Beijing.

The earthquake is a golden opportunity for the government to show its warm fuzzy side to both the international community and those suffering at home. And it has to be said, Party leaders are doing a great job of maximizing the PR potential. Foreign media are praising the government's openness, and in China online chatrooms and networking sites are filled with outpourings of love and gratitude for Premier Wen.

But don't go thinking it's all about the people in the People's Republic. As he flew to Sichuan, Wen told reporters onboard the plane, "I believe we can certainly overcome the disaster with the public and the military working together under the leadership of the Party and the government."

Imagine, if you will, Helen Clark calling on the nation to rally together under the Labour Party in the face of a natural disaster. That's one of the perks about dictatorships - leaders can say this sort of thing without fear of being pilloried by the press they control.

A lot can get lost in poor translation, but the underlying message is pretty clear: We're doing a great job, so don't start any anti-government trouble and don't go taking any independent action.

As questions started to be raised over why some large buildings collapsed instantly while others nearby remained standing, authorities quickly promised to investigate. The passport office in Chengdu has probably run out of applications forms already as crooked officials scurry for cover. This issue has potential to be hugely damaging to the Party, especially since so many of these so-called "tofu buildings" were classroom blocks filled with students when the quake struck.

But no matter what the outcome of the inquiry, China is looking a hell of a lot better right now than its neighbour and good friend Myanmar. Not that this has occurred to Premier Wen or President Hu, I'm sure.

Beijing loves a good old-fashioned crackdown. In the past year, campaigns have targeted problems from corruption and fake drugs to spitting and queue jumping, with a whole lot more in between including, ahem, Tibetan monks. Now foreigners living in China are starting to feel the heat.

"Beijing Welcomes You!" chortle the cutesy mascots of the XXIX Olympiad. Well, kind of welcomes some of you. And only for a month, tops. And you'd better have proof of where we can find you in the country and a ticket home.

"Beibei Jingjing Huanhuan Yingying Nini!" there it is for you in Chinese. The five mascots' names read together send a warm message of welcome to visitors to the capital. Don't say you never learn anything from blogs. The quintet of characters that are the Fuwa, née Friendlies (an amusing story, I'll save it for when I have bloggers' block) are everywhere in Beibei Jingjing.

No, the brains behind the slogan didn't have a stutter; the repetition is a common quirk in Chinese. It's used to add stress and can be a form of endearment or something like that. I asked my Chinese teacher once and she was vague, as she usually is outside the linguistic straitjacket of my textbooks. The point is that at the rate China is currently handing out entry visas, there will be more Fuwa than foreigners in the capital's glitzy new stadiums come August.

In any country that requires a special bit of paper stuck in your passport for anything from a weekend visit to settling permanently, visa hassles are always going to be there, lurking in the background like a hideous passport photo betraying your true good looks. I've been in China for two years and my passport is already cluttered with six Chinese visas, with another on the way this month. Ridiculous really, but not as ridiculous as what many foreigners in China are now facing.

Despite a recent posting on the Chinese Foreign Ministry's Hong Kong Commission website, entitled, in typically Chinese obtuse fashion, The Commissioner's Office Continues to Facilitate Visa Application of Foreiign (sic) Nationals, many foreigners are now experiencing major difficulties in obtaining visas either to work or continue living in China. The posting begins, Foreigners are welcome to China. Well, that's nice and friendly isn't it? But then, The Chinese visa is issued in accordance with laws and regulations of China, with reference of the practice of hosting countries of previous Olympic Games and other international sporting events.

Hmm. In other words, don't blame us for the new visa restrictions, Australia and Greece kicked out a whole lot of foreigners pre-Olympics too. Did they? I doubt it. And more ominously, Compared to most other countries, it is relevantly (sic) easy and convenient to apply for a Chinese visa. So there. Most other countries? I doubt that, too. Then the coup de grace, Genuine visitors to China and those attending Olympic Games will not be affected. Genuine visitors? China is the motherland of counterfeiters but even here I have yet to see a non-genuine visitor.

This reassurance does not tally with the reality for thousands of foreigners who have been living semi-permanently in the country on renewable six-month business visas. The Hong Kong visa run, long the easiest way for foreigners in Mainland China to renew business visas, is rapidly becoming a thing of the past. Numerous foreigners are recounting tales of woe at the visa office that did not happen until a few weeks ago. The office is no longer renewing multiple entry business visas or handing out any new working visas. Although Chinese state media like to refer to the Hong Kong Special Administrative Region as "China's Hong Kong", the SAR was still considered special enough to count as leaving the country as far as getting visas for mainland China goes. Until April, that is.

Visa agents in Beijing and other Mainland cities also have their hands tied. They are no longer able to issue visas of any kind – including tourist visas - for longer than one month, and only up until July 1.

Hordes of foreign students in China are facing the prospect of having to forfeit a lazy summer break fueled by (extremely) cheap (and possibly fake) alcohol, when their current permits run out. Perhaps more importantly, many local and overseas companies are starting to feel the squeeze as their foreign staff are refused visas and forced to leave. If the level of English on the Foreign Ministry's posting above is anything to go by, the new policy is already having an effect.

Even state run companies are having trouble getting around the restrictions. An Australian I know who works for China Central Television went to Hong Kong recently loaded down with the standard pile of CCTV stamped documents supporting her visa application. She came away with a single entry business visa instead of the usual one-year work permit and an order to go back to Australia and apply again. Strange days indeed when even the government is struggling to legally employ foreigners.

Following its usual Admit Nothing Until You Start Looking Really Stupid policy, the Foreign Ministry last week finally admitted it has tightened visa requirements, following a series of public complaints by business groups in Beijing and reports in foreign media. A ministry spokesman said, "What is unchanged and will not change is safeguarding our national security and making sure our environment is safe, and making sure foreigners in China will be safe."

So it's actually partly for our own good. Try telling that to foreigners who have been forced to leave their homes and businesses at short notice, or to non-Chinese who are no longer able to enter the country to oversee their companies and factories.

The police are also tightening the screws on foreign residents. Officers have started going door-to-door, checking that we laowai (foreigners) are registered at the local public security bureau and have valid visas. As I started to write this a couple of days ago, an unusually friendly English speaking female officer knocked on my door. As luck would have it I had nothing to show her after handing all my papers over to my boss, hoping to get a new visa. She didn't seem too bothered as she checked my name and passport number against her list, but I suspect she will be back soon.

What's it all about? It's all about the Olympics, silly. Everything is about the Olympics in China this year (it was last year too for that matter). China is nervous about the prospect of masses of foreigners flooding into the country and stirring up unrest or demonstrating publicly as the world's eyes are fixed on Beijing during the Games.

Nervous? No, perhaps not nervous. More like paranoid and petrified. Face matters in China. A lot. Imagine how Beijing would look if a foreigner unfurled a ‘Free Tibet' banner in front of a TV camera! China's image would be severely damaged. No, wait. I'm sure I heard about something like that happening recently. Not in Beijing though.

The only banners that are likely to flutter in the city's brown breeze this year are the ubiquitous red and white wenming (civilised) propaganda signs instructing citizens to pull their socks up while foreigners are in town. Pretty soon they may be able to return to their uncivilised ways, because the foreigners are getting thinner on the ground.

There have been quite a few opinion pieces recently about the decline in interest for rugby. I’ve even written some. But I’m not sure that the authors (including me) were quite right. From what I can tell rugby fans’ attitudes are changing but their (our) enthusiasm is not dropping.

Rugby has become a product. We watch it on television more than we play it; at least at a representative level. Come summertime, we’re just as likely to play a game of backyard touch as we are to play backyard football. It’s a strange disconnect for us.

Gone are the days of the international rugby star that has to make sure the farm will be looked after while he’s on tour. Or the player who drives trucks during the week and wins the Ranfurly Shield on the weekend.

This is why we still hold onto icons like Colin Meads and George Nepia; it‘s why we hold up signs that say “Bring Back Buck”; these things speak to our heritage. Then we look at what we have today, players who seem to want to leave us to chase “the dollar”; and we do feel as though they are leaving us (“Please come back Dan!”).

This contributes to an unspoken feeling that our players are no longer legends just good rugby players (which is possibly a good thing perspective-wise), but we so desperately want them to be legends that our pride feels dented. We then see these same players paraded before us in the media as though they actually are the legends we just realised they weren’t. Which is what makes seeing people with face paint, dressed in black, waving flags seem hollow.

But has our interest for rugby declined? Like fuck it has!

Just have a look at these articles:

Rugby - the apathy in New Zealand is official

Reopening old wounds: Still bitter?

Rugby: Finally, union's focus returns to fans

Reinventing the haka

There’s no interest lost there. The fact that every sports pundit in the country seems to be concerned about the future of our national sport again shows that we are still very much interested in rugby (and by we I mean, those who follow sport, not “the nation as some would have you believe. I’m a realist).

But our interest seems to in it as a product, as entertainment. Our level of personal investment in the game has lessened since the professional era began but our interest in the game stayed about the same.

Hence any strategy to reclaim fans to the game shouldn’t be about making the game more “interesting” or “easier to watch” (which is why the ELVs should fail) as what entertains us changes constantly (think sitcoms). Any action should be squarely aimed at making us (the aforementioned fans) personally involved again. We need a strategy to change our interest from entertainment level to something deeper.
I have many ideas on how to do this (tours) and I imagine others do too, but that’s for another time (or perhaps the comments).

Hadyn Green and his mates provide blogging and a regular podcast about sport at http://www.dropkicks.co.nz/

There are a few things put to the sword in the NZRU report on the Rugby World Cup Campaign- the conditioning programme, our cluttered playing schedule and good use of the English language. Is there really such a word as ‘learnings’, let alone ‘material learnings’?

Amidst the management speak there is also a fair dollop of the bleeding obvious. It is not exactly a revelation that we lost in the quarter final because the French played with passion and commitment, we played like headless chooks and Wayne Barnes had a shocker.

The most interesting aspect of the report’s comments on the quarter final is the blunt assessment that “the team failed to ensure that the right decisions were taken at critical moments”. We do learn that the coaches sent the message out with 10 minutes to go to set up for a drop goal but the on-field decision was made not to do that. I wonder if that is because without Carter there was a concern there was no one on the field who could be relied on to execute that plan.

The report’s reflection on the lack of a drop goal somewhat bizarrely concludes that the players were “unaware of a vital piece of information- that the All Blacks had not been given a penalty in the second half and were therefore probably unlikely to get one notwithstanding their pressure, possession and territory Eh? I am pretty sure the players on the field would have had a vague idea that they had not had a penalty, but perhaps they thought that the laws of the game were still in place, and a penalty remained a possibility.

But in fairness the report is not really about the on-field loss, and it does throw up some interesting, and at times worrying observations. There is the clear view that there was too much emphasis on the Cup by the NZRU, and that future planning should be “lower key in terms of player and public awareness”. Hmmm, not sure how easy it will be to keep the 2011 Cup a secret what with all that stadium building and changing the school timetable and the like. But point taken, the All Blacks minds did seem to be in Paris for much of the year.

The conditioning programme is given the big thumbs down. Like Michael Cullen’s tax cuts the report indicates there are four pre-conditions for a successful conditioning programme. In the case of the Cup programme only one (the right players were targeted) of them was met. The other three; a personalised programme, specialist providers and doing the programme at the right time, were not. The lack of communication and integration with Super 14 franchises appears to have been a factor in all three of these.

It is just a little weird that Sky TV are referred to throughout the report as “News”, and that their comments on the conditioning programme have largely been withheld. It does make you wonder if they influenced the fact that players were rested at the start of the Super 14 when in fact they should have been rested at the end of the competition to get the recovery time right for the Cup.

The conditioning programme does give us the clear winner for most ridiculous line of the report. “It was not anticipated that the players would need to be conditioned for the conditioning programme”. Conditioning for conditioning, what is this a Fructus advertisement? This makes my head hurt, but I think I have worked out what conditioning for a conditioning programme might entail- playing rugby.

The most worrying bit of the report is the impact of our cluttered season on international players. The report says

Best practice across professional sport recognises the need to have a single season, some with multiple competitions. All enable athletes to prepare (pre-season), compete (in-season), recover and rest (off season). Unfortunately New Zealand rugby does not have a single season that enables the top players to have the time to complete these essential components”

Common sense, that. And, in a nutshell is the issue rugby needs to grapple with, lest we lose players to the more lucrative, balanced Northern Hemisphere and/or we burn out players so they can not perform when it matters. One hopes the recent think tanks are addressing this, and that “News” will not control whatever is the outcome.

But in the end, for what it is worth my view is that the combined effect of the rotation policy, the conditioning programme and the extraordinary emphasis on the Cup campaign meant that the All Blacks exploded like a shaken coke can in the first 20 minutes against Italy, and were flat thereafter. Having said that, I will now, officially, let it go.