Random Play by Graham Reid

Alt.Nation: You have been warned, sort of

The first two items on National Radio’s 5pm bulletin on Saturday were as follows: Australian PM John Howard said he was keeping an open mind towards nuclear power options and the enrichment of uranium; and Phil Goff saying that the ANZAC bond was strong so if Australia was under threat New Zealand would come to it’s aid, and vice versa. Hmmm.

** The following message was intercepted from a CNN broadcast by New Zealand Civil Defence yesterday. After checking it for tsunami or earthquake information, Civil Defence has now released it to the general public with assurances that as no natural disaster is pending there is nothing to be alarmed about. Text follows:


My fellow Americans, I address you tonight on a matter of great urgency. As you well know many of the freedom and democratic ideals we in the United States hold so dear are under attack from evil regimes and corrupt leaders abroad.

I refer not just to those in Europe who would prefer to live under the rule of repressive regimes, nor those in the Middle East where religious fundamentalists hold their people in a ruthless grip.

We are all too familiar with the acts of cowardly terrorists from those regions who fear the freedoms and democracy that we in America have fought for, and now cherish dearly.

We have been strong and unrelenting in our pursuit of terrorists and those who would harbour them, and that war on terror will continue. We will be victorious in the struggle and generous when we prevail.

But today I have received news of a new threat to the American way of life and that of freedom loving people everywhere, a threat which will cause more instability in the world and one which we will be called upon to deal with in the coming days.

I refer to what is happening in the country of Australia, a nation we once thought was our ally in the war against terror, a country which stood side-by-side with America and Britain and our other allies in the coalition of the willing.

But today I have learned that the prime minister of Australia, following the lead of those in the state of Iran, has announced his country will embark on a programme of nuclear development.

I need not tell you what that means for the stability of the world and the threat that poses to the United States. The axis of evil which we have long spoken about now has another ally, a strong and powerful ally which will soon be nuclear capable.

I have already spoken to the heads of many of our relevant government departments and the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and I am here to tell you that we are willing and ready to counter this threat from our former ally in the South Pacific.

I cannot help but note in this provocative action by Australia that it is counting on the support of New Zealand, its neighbour in the region.

My fellow Americans, we should not be surprised by this. New Zealand has long denied the United States military access to its waters. We know all too well the character of New Zealand, a country whose people have long been ruled by an evil regime under the leadership of the iron-fisted Lord Sauron.

It has been brought to my attention that in recent weeks one of that country’s leading weekly magazines ran a major feature on why New Zealanders hated Americans, and that there have been consistent attacks in the New Zealand media by doctors and dieticians on American institutions such as fast food franchises.

New Zealand is country which is not friendly to the United States, and its support of Australia in an alliance they called Anzac dates back many decades. Now New Zealand is lining up alongside Australia in this provocative and hostile action which threatened the stability of the region and of the free world.

The United States will not tolerate this.

My advisors tell me that the prime ministers of New Zealand and Australia are intractable leaders, not easily swayed in their opinions. So rather than go through the protracted and fruitless process of weapons inspectors from the United Nations as happened in Iraq and Iran, we have chosen more direct action to counter this threat.

We will not negotiate with Australia in the matter of uranium enrichment and its developing nuclear programme. We believe the time is right for a short, decisive attack which will demonstrate the power of the United States military and the resolve we have as a people in defending freedom and democracy.

As of this moment I am giving the prime minister of Australia exactly 24 hours to meet our demand that all work on nuclear sites be halted, and that mining of uranium cease immediately.

Failure to comply will mean that the United States will treat consider Australia and its ally New Zealand as engaging in a hostile act against the United States and its people -- and we will unleash the full might of the United States Third Division Air Combat Unit.

These highly skilled pilots and crew will undertake a carpet-bombing mission across the North Island of New Zealand.

Even as we speak aircraft from Hawaii and the USS Roosevelt aircraft carrier stationed near Guam are on their way to New Zealand. If I have not heard personally from Australian prime minister Howard within 24 hours then the attack on New Zealand will take place with devastating consequences.

I have already advised the small number of our citizens in New Zealand that for their own safety they should leave the country immediately. We will welcome them home.

The United States has carefully considered this momentous decision, but for too long the empires of evil have threatened the rights of freedom loving peoples around the world, and we believe now is the time for decisive action.

Thank you, good night. And God bless America.

** This message was broadcast at 11.30pm Monday May 22, New Zealand time.