Random Play by Graham Reid

Alternative Nation: Go Ahead, Make My Date

The date for the election came as no surprise to a Sydney-based stylist and his partner.

Sergio Turner and partner David Jackson said yesterday that when they were engaged to do a make-over on the prime minister for her interview in the Australian Women’s Weekly a month or so ago she twice mentioned September 17 as “her special day”.

“To be honest we had no idea who she was,” said Turner of Sergio&Jacko. “Mr David thought she was some country school headmistress and that the senior girls had chipped in to give her an extreme make-over for the school ball.

“She was obviously excited about whatever was going to happen on that day and got quite giggly. I just thought she was unused to the champagne, being from the country.

“To be honest though, neither Mr David nor myself take much interest in what clients say, so we actually forgot just what day she kept being girly about. But of course, we remember it now.”

Turner also said that while trying to make Clark “look 10 times nicer in 10 minutes” in the makeover challenge she mentioned possible partners on that date.

“This surprised us, she certainly didn’t come across as the flirty type. Mr David was quite overcome and had to go outside for air when he heard her talk about how strong and vigorous her selection process would be.

“Otherwise it was a fun day for all us girls. When she left she looked just fabulous, nothing like herself at all.”

The lack of a confirmed election date until now had meant political parties and their sleazy advertising managers could not plan a coherent, believable or marketable sales pitch for their parties' campaigns.

“We were in a phoney campaign,” said National leader Don Brash. “We look forward to getting past what I call, and excuse my language, the poppycock. Or should I say, the balderdash. Now the real campaigning can begin.

“Bring it up, as the young people say.”

Maori Party leader Tariana Turia said until she had hard evidence of the date other than simply an announcement by the prime minister she preferred not to comment.

“We have learned media reports can be inaccurate and exaggerated,“ she said. “So we need something concrete before we can arrange a series of hikoi, hui, and hangi.”

New Zealand First leader Winston Peters was angered at the way the announcement was made.

“I am outraged I had to hear of this like everyone else, through the media. That is typical Labour Party arrogance. Given that I may, or may not, be prepared to work in some self-serving coalition with these people I would have thought I could have expected some special consideration.

“But that’s Labour for you. Special treatment for no one, but their ivory tower latte-sipping friends.”

The interim leader of the Act Party, Mr Rodney Hide said he was pleased a date had been announced so he could get on with making what he called “other plans”.

Other parties -- United Future, that one with Jim Anderton whose name no one knows, the political wing of Destiny Church and a few other non-entities -- couldn’t be contacted for comment.

Although in truth journalists couldn’t be bothered seeking them out because they are always full of predictable bullshit and platitudes, and are nowhere near as important as they think they are.