Island Life by David Slack

I Heart You, Man

Have you ever dreamed of being paid for your blogging?

Dream no more; the tantalising details are just a click away. All you have to do is write what you admire about your favourite product or service, and the big corporations will pay you cash money for your time.

Johnson was right: only a fool writes but for money. Here are my first submissions.

I Love McDonalds

I still remember the first time our daughter visited McDonalds. She adores her big cousins. Her big cousins adore the Happy Meals. Imagine her excitement when one night they asked if she would like to go with them. Hamburgers! Fries! Strawberry thick shakes! Crappy plastic toys! It was almost more delight than a three year old could stand.

How she thrilled to the excitement of it all as they scarfed down the food. How she gurgled happily as the girls chatted. How she wailed as a dark cloud of nausea fell upon her. How sombre she looked as they arrived back home. With fresh tears pricking her eyes, she announced: "I throwed up, Daddy."

I Love Telecom

There is a popular saying among marketing executives that you should surprise and delight your customers. I am as surprised as I am delighted to learn that Telecom have an offer that can't be beat.

The generosity of it is remarkable. Here's how it works. If you have been so remiss as to overlook the couple of bucks per month that Telecom has been charging you for "phone rental" then you may have failed to grasp that you are paying about 25 dollars a year to rent a phone of inferior quality to the type you can buy outright from Dick Smith for 19.95.

What a loser you are! How foolish to go on paying! Well, once you get over the rueful reflection that you suck at book-keeping, the news is all good. You have but to ring Telecom and tell them that you now have your own phone.

And do you know what these remarkable people will tell you? Not only will they say: certainly sir or madam, we will cancel that rental charge right now, they will also tell you: we shall send you a courier bag to enable you to return the telephone to us.

Imagine that! They will spend as much on couriers to retrieve a crappy old telephone as it would cost to buy a new one from Dick Smith! Talk about surprised and delighted.

I'm just waiting to see how big the courier bag is. I want to reciprocate the surprise and delight by slipping in our microwave which died in a thin and acrid cloud of smoke last week. I might add a note saying:

I could get a dial tone, but when I punched in the numbers, no matter who I rang, all I got was a whirring sound. Your boffins might want to take a look at this.

I Love Labour Party Advertising

There has been a lot of nonsense talked recently about who spent what in the last election. I think it's time we all Moved On, and I am glad to see that people have finally realised that a whip-round was always going to be the thing to fix this, as I wrote online many months ago, even before David Farrar did.

One point has been overlooked, however, and I should mention it. Do you recall that weird advertising early in the campaign with a baby hanging by ribbons and things? That had to be worth at least $800,000 in billboards and photo shoots and Art Director's lunches, and one has to acknowledge that it would not have delivered a single vote to the Labour party. You do the maths as far as breaching caps is concerned etc.

Anyway, I just thought I should tell you that I have found a use for this very memorable advertising. I have had a speechwriting client for years now who is more trouble than he is worth. He holds public office in the USA. Well, last month I sent him a detailed description of this suspended-baby campaign and told him it would work a treat. He enthusiastically embraced the concept, lock stock and ribbon, and right now his mid-term congressional campaign is circling the drain. His ass is about to be totally pwned, as my leet-speaking friend Mr. Saarinen would say, and I expect to hear no more from him. I enthusiastically recommend this creative product.

I Love Death Ray Shields

I yield to no man in my respect and awe for electronic Death Rays, so I unreservedly recommend the Shield Me TM Electro-Magnetic Field 'earthing' card. It safeguards cell phone users from the electro-magnetic field of their cell phones.

You should not take any notice of anything this doubter has to say about it here, here, here or here.