Island Life by David Slack

I have a statue and I'm not afraid to use it

As if the Maxim scoop wasn't impressive enough, Public Address is once again proud to bring you news you'll be reading in tomorrow's mainstream media. Here is a leaked list of the top ten suspects in the disappearance of Napier woman Pania of the Reef. These people should not be approached without a camera phone.

Brownlee, Gerry
Means: Big fella, burly. Woodwork teacher, would know how to wedge her off the plinth.
Motive: Keeps damaging his paperweights in "frank exchanges of views" with McCully.

Clark, Helen
Means: Was in PNG at time, so could easily have got to Napier and back without anyone noticing..
Motive: Best way to keep Maori Party off front page is to get some other Maori on it.

Clark, Linda
Means: Took one day off air this week. Same day, statue went missing.
Motive: Just 48 hours prior, conducted long discussion on her show about collecting art.

Farrar, David P
Means: At time of disappearance was in "transit" on return from "trip to UK." Blogging output suggests he never left the country.
Motive: No new hot chicks on for six days now.

Lunch, Eating Media
Means: Vast production budget, wide range of dubious associates.
Motive: New series about to air.

Morrison, Howard
Means: Just as fit today as he was when he was a young fullah.
Motive: Needs campaign mascot to show Maori women how to get a bit trimmer.

Radar, Te
Means: Maori TV production crew at disposal.
Motive: Would make interesting guest on new show.

Shadbolt, Tim
Means: Still has trailer and tools for the odd concrete job.
Motive: No national publicity for Invercargill for nearly a week and a half now.

Suppressed, Name
Means: Has committed vast range of crimes. No-one able to identify him.
Motive: Serial offender.

Twins, Evers-Swindell
Means: The perfect crime: no-one could say which one had done it. Hawkes Bay locals.
Motive: Always doing crazy shit like this.