Island Life by David Slack


How to smoke an MP

MP smoking is an art. You don’t just pick one up and start puffing. You must know how to select an MP, cut him, light him up, and finally, smoke him.

Choosing an MP

When purchasing an MP there are certain things you should keep in mind.

- Verify the quality of the MP by squeezing him slightly to make sure there are no hard lumps of ethics in him, and check to ensure that the press releases he has issued are not unduly tainted.

- Malleability typically diminishes with longevity. You may want to start with a novice.

Types of MP

The most desirable choice: Venerated, with enormous profile and influence, but rare and difficult to procure.

Has a pointed head, closed foot and a bulge in the middle. This type of MP tends only to be useful as an unguided missile.

Similar to the torpedo, but doesn’t ask awkward questions.

Cutting the cap of your MP

Your MP will typically have a closed mind on the question of people’s right to bear cigarettes. In order to smoke him, you will first need to make an opening in his head, or as we say in the trade: “cut off his cap”. This must be done in a manner that will preserve his outward shape.

Biting the MP is not a cutting method. Not only is this ineffective since your teeth are not real cutting tools, but you will not look like much of a lobbyist spitting out pieces of leftover MP.

Try to slice off the head in one quick "chop" (in the manner of the guillotine), by identifying one of the MP’s great yearnings. For some, this will be Bluff Oysters, for others lap dancing. Some may prefer to have grouting done in their bathroom, while for some it may be a popular musical act they remember from their youth.

Having spent all this effort choosing your MP and cutting him to perfection, you won't want to waste all that time and money by lighting him the wrong way. It's best to do so by tucking a policy paper into his pocket. Discretion at all times, though! It’s prudent not to ply him with actual talking points, nor anything that might be later discovered in an email.

Proper etiquette calls for removal of the “Hello I Am” stickers from his lapel before you smoke your MP. He will need a label at the outset because you will typically have a group of his colleagues gathered at the same time, and they can be very the devil to tell apart. Once you have lit them up, of course, every nosey parker and his dog will notice, and a discreet veil of anonymity is to be preferred.

Enjoy and savour the MP, but do not inhale! After 12 puffs or so, remove the “Hello I Am” Stickers, which will probably be falling off on their own, thanks to the heat.

Now sit back with your MP in one hand and a glass of port, cognac or single malt in the other. Before you know it, you'll be discussing amendments, deregulation and misleading data as though you were the fastest of friends.

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