Island Life by David Slack

Hold the front page!

This must be a rough time to be a celebrity in Auckland. Eight weeks of dreary election campaign ahead of you and all your supplies of heinous chemicals have dried up. And what about you gentle reader? Are you looking forward to the election, or would you like to enjoy another week or two of I Know What You Took Last Summer?

Well, there's no reason why you can't have them both. Just turn to your trusty celeb magazine. Who'll win the election? Will it end in tears? What about the celebrity drug scandal? Who'll be first onto the covers with their tearful tell-little confessions?

Just take a look at the cover of one of those mags, and you'll see exactly what I'm talking about. You lead with your political story, giving it the old human touch, and you supplement that with a touching story of repentance, contrition, and blame-loading from your celebrity drug taker.

So why don't we close our eyes and concentrate and see if we can imagine what's going to come rolling off the presses before we're all very much older and wiser?

Too hard? Well, thanks to the magic of the Interweb, I've got a little Magazine Cover Generator you can use that will do just about all the work for you.

The trouble is, when it gets to this whole celebrity drug business, I can't use real names.

But go on …you already know, don't you?

The generator can make the rest of the cover for you - you just have to add the name yourself. BUT REMEMBER: YOU CAN'T SHARE IT WITH ANYONE!

Just fill in the box, and presto: instant celebrity magazine cover for you to enjoy in the privacy of your own home or office cubicle. Now you know the rules, click here to make your own.

As you'll see, it's set a year or so on from the election. I've always said you should vote with your thoughts firmly on the future.

I was actually going to write a long piece reminiscing about all the elections I've watched since 1972. You may have heard Linda Clark suggesting to me yesterday that my nostalgia for Muldoon's banter with hecklers made me sound grandfatherly. I suppose she's right, and I do want to talk about that, but it'll have to be later in the week when I sincerely hope my rheumatism won't be giving me so much trouble.