Stocks on Wall Street leapt 38% today on the announcement that the Obama campaign will continue to accept donations after their candidate has been elected. The site is now raising a billion dollars an hour and is forecast to have sufficient funds by Christmas to enter world markets and settle all delinquent Credit Default Swap positions, or “bets” as they are more commonly known.
“It’s just this totally awesome money machine,” a spokesman said. “The only other businesses taking in more money online are a site called MILFs in the Military, and James Packer’s casinos.”
She said the President-in-Waiting was humbled by the “appreciation of the American people” and looking forward to “sharing the love”.
“It’s beautiful. It’s like everyone’s paying their taxes without even being asked. Except for the Republicans. But we think that will be less of a problem once we’ve bought Fox.”
Helen Clark said today that a plan to buy every university graduate a Prius had been “sadly and regretfully” shelved. “Trust me,” she said, “If the money was there, we would have spent it.”
Jeanette and Russel announced today that, if elected, all members of the Greens will continue to breath in and out in the usual manner for the full duration of the term. Their story appeared in second place on the One News bulletin and fourth on Three. “They really are having quite a good run.” said political marketing lecturer Sarah McTavish who appeared in the fifth story on One and sixth on Three.
Sir Roger Douglas announced that the Act National coalition had re-worked its First 100 Days package to enable a flat tax by lunchtime of Day One and privatised hospitals by the Seventh Day. As the announcement attracted no media, he made the announcement again later in the day at Rodney Hide’s lunch date with a squash player.
A political blogger has shed some light on a cryptic note found on the National party campaign bus. The handwritten note, which embedded reporter Francesca Mold discovered beneath John Key’s seat, read:
What else? Anything really evil. Frighten underbelly. Close Kuras. End dole.
Commentators had been at a loss to explain the words until Gordon Campbell noted yesterday in an aside to a 15,000 word analysis of the fiscal options for a December mini-budget that “the clue’s in the first letter of each word, for pity’s sake, now we can we get back to some actual policy?”
Press gallery life member Barry Soper said “It’s all very well for Gordon, but he has the whole day to do that highbrow stuff. By the time we’ve got through TV makeup and drinking godawful cups of coffee and listening to godawful speeches, there’s stuff-all time left.”
The Party Formerly Known as Jesus Loves A Pig Shooter
Peter Dunne, visiting the Robo-Kids daycare center in Courtenay Place, expressed his alarm at eroding family values. “This is the third daycare I’ve visited this month where a brothel in the same building has closed down and unemployed investment bankers have moved in,” he said. “It’s only happened three times so far, but there’ll be more of them, mark my words. Why should decent hard working kiwi parents who pay their taxes have their children exposed to such people? Someone ought to do something.”