Public Address | Cafe | Up Front: The Missing Stair and the Necessary Bastard https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/ en-us Copyright (c) 2026 Public Address Craig Ranapia https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=298957#post298957 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=298957#post298957 Devil’s Advocate is supposed to be a way of testing an argument for flaws, not deliberately pissing someone off.

Also, it really helps to take a look around when you’re tempted to play the Devil’s Advocate. Pro-tip: If there’s a pervasive smell of brimstone in the air, Satan’s probably not…

]]> Tue, 22 Oct 2013 12:20:07 +1300 Megan Wegan https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=298956#post298956 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=298956#post298956 Well of course it is. You need to lighten up. Can’t you take a joke? Are you one of them humourless feminists? Etc etc BARF.

And proud of it. ;)

]]> Tue, 22 Oct 2013 12:19:56 +1300 Stephen Judd https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=298953#post298953 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=298953#post298953 Permission to play Devil's Advocate Denied. ]]> Tue, 22 Oct 2013 12:08:11 +1300 Emma Hart https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=298946#post298946 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=298946#post298946 A former friend used to start a “discussion/debate/argument” with me, get me good and wound up and then say “I don’t know why you’re so upset, I was only playing Devil’s advocate.”

I’m all for a nice game of Devil’s advocate as long as it’s advertised as such beforehand.

Yeah,…

]]> Tue, 22 Oct 2013 11:39:45 +1300 Miche Campbell https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=298936#post298936 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=298936#post298936 Tue, 22 Oct 2013 08:10:02 +1300 Miche Campbell https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=298933#post298933 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=298933#post298933 A former friend used to start a "discussion/debate/argument" with me, get me good and wound up and then say "I don't know why you're so upset, I was only playing Devil's advocate."

I'm all for a nice game of Devil's advocate as long as it's advertised as such beforehand.

]]> Tue, 22 Oct 2013 08:03:21 +1300 Miche Campbell https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=298932#post298932 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=298932#post298932 If you told me I made you angry or upset every time I said a certain thing, why would I continue to say/do it?

Because I'm just telling it like it is and you need to harden the fuck up. Politically correct blah blah blah in the old days blahdy…

]]> Tue, 22 Oct 2013 08:00:59 +1300 knightpfhor https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=294018#post294018 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=294018#post294018 Thu, 05 Sept 2013 09:29:18 +1200 Chris Waugh https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292378#post292378 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292378#post292378 However casual racism is not unknown. Mostly it is born of ignorance IMHO.

In the cases of people who grew up in small, isolated, homogenous communities, sure, like my mother in law staring with blank incomprehension when the waitress tried to explain to her that this restaurant doesn't serve pork…

]]> Wed, 21 Aug 2013 22:16:11 +1200 Roger Lacey https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292356#post292356 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292356#post292356 Reading this thread reminds me of this Tom Robinson track.
http://tomrobinson.bandcamp.com/track/pub-hassle
It seems like there are plenty of these types still out there.

]]> Wed, 21 Aug 2013 16:13:13 +1200 Moz https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292344#post292344 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292344#post292344 One ... person... I know actually said to me, while laughing, that he was trying to wind me up and wasn't it good that it was working because he liked to get under people's skin.

One of my old friends has a one-hour rule for his wife's rellies: he goes…

]]> Wed, 21 Aug 2013 14:20:55 +1200 Amanda Wreckonwith https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292340#post292340 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292340#post292340 formed by fission followed by fusion, which may have led to a chain reaction
it sounds like they had fun but surely that's illegal?

]]> Wed, 21 Aug 2013 13:36:07 +1200 RaggedJoe https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292337#post292337 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292337#post292337 The Missing Stair sure resonates with me. In one close relationship in particular. in the positive side I am fortunate not know anyone who would think a rape joke was either funny or acceptable.

However casual racism is not unknown. Mostly it is born of ignorance IMHO. I travel widely…

]]> Wed, 21 Aug 2013 13:12:08 +1200 Max Rose https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292335#post292335 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292335#post292335 Wed, 21 Aug 2013 12:32:47 +1200 Hebe https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292330#post292330 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292330#post292330 Wed, 21 Aug 2013 11:07:40 +1200 Emma Hart https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292325#post292325 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292325#post292325 Maybe a couple of people whose mental health isn’t always tip-top, including a friend’s partner who I didn’t feel safe around for a while, but who now has a better handle on her issues, and who I like and respect as a battler. But that’s not really the same thing,… ]]> Wed, 21 Aug 2013 10:35:02 +1200 Max Rose https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292324#post292324 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292324#post292324 Be thankful? :)

I am :-) I know that for some people extended family are a blessing and a comfort, but it sounds like for many of you they're a minefield of bigotry, twatcockery and uncomfortable obligation. Not having any interactions with mine, since they've been on the opposite side…

]]> Wed, 21 Aug 2013 10:27:21 +1200 Ian Dalziel https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292317#post292317 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292317#post292317 for the ambience chasers...
here's an uninterrupted flight
perhaps a riser to bait...
I always liked the idea of Oblique Strategies and
the missing stair explains the existence of the Obtuse Strategy card sets
1: Cultivate the disreputable
2: Lie gratuitously
3: Argue extravagantly over minutiae
4: Blame…

]]> Wed, 21 Aug 2013 09:43:20 +1200 Hebe https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292316#post292316 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292316#post292316 Just keep in mind that this isn’t a thought experiment or intellectual game for a far few of us.

+1 As I head off to an unavoidable bout of bastarding today, I’m cheered to read that Craig.
Marcus has no fucking idea of what it is like to have a…

]]> Wed, 21 Aug 2013 09:37:01 +1200 Craig Ranapia https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292304#post292304 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292304#post292304 Or, perhaps, as I’ve already said to you, the problem is not the person being the Necessary Bastard, but the Missing Stair. That they have already tried other things, which is something I recommend in the post, and they haven’t worked.

And the thing about hitting the Necessary Bastard setting,…

]]> Wed, 21 Aug 2013 00:07:14 +1200 BenWilson https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292303#post292303 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292303#post292303 Tue, 20 Aug 2013 23:23:37 +1200 Megan Wegan https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292302#post292302 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292302#post292302 Tue, 20 Aug 2013 22:46:28 +1200 Russell Brown https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292301#post292301 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292301#post292301 should be able to think of someone in my life who fits the Missing Stair description, but I can't. Maybe a couple of people whose mental health isn't always tip-top, including a friend's partner who I didn't feel safe around… ]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 22:31:40 +1200 Emma Hart https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292300#post292300 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292300#post292300 Thus, I can’t get behind the concept of the “Necessary Bastard”. It’s a tactic used by those who can’t find a better way. I’ve considered that this might be because the person is under stress, or has formed a lifetiime habit of certain behaviours, or is simply unaware of the… ]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 22:29:42 +1200 Jennifer Duval-Smith https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292299#post292299 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292299#post292299 Tue, 20 Aug 2013 22:11:29 +1200 Ross Mason https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292298#post292298 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292298#post292298 Tue, 20 Aug 2013 22:09:11 +1200 Marcus Turner https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292296#post292296 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292296#post292296 Tue, 20 Aug 2013 21:52:20 +1200 Myles Thomas https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292295#post292295 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292295#post292295 I know what you mean. Though I live and work and breathe the rarified air of Grey Lynn we often meet munters. I recognise them because have a touch of the munter to me.

You have to be true to your view. Firmly, politely and, if possible, humourously let them…

]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 21:52:07 +1200 Craig Ranapia https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292294#post292294 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292294#post292294 Jesus fuck yes. And everyone gets to make their own call about where their tipping point is.

Of course. Mine in influenced by having my bullshit tolerance tapped out very early in life, and an unusually high comfort level with my own company. :) That said, there's this weird idea…

]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 20:59:14 +1200 Stephen Judd https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292293#post292293 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292293#post292293 Tue, 20 Aug 2013 20:57:36 +1200 Lilith __ https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292292#post292292 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292292#post292292 One of my old friends has a one-hour rule for his wife’s rellies: he goes to everything then leaves after an hour, no exceptions. He says that after 30 or so years they all accept that’s what he does and attribute it to his foibles rather than theirs -it suits… ]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 20:47:36 +1200 Megan Wegan https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292291#post292291 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292291#post292291 Just like that. Except that I don't. My coping mechanisms for hanging out with my family involve variously: drinking too much, biting my tongue, and crying in the bathroom when they make rape jokes. "I love them, but..." is a fairly common utterance.

Or it was. I basically decided that…

]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 20:36:21 +1200 Hebe https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292290#post292290 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292290#post292290 I have a family full of missing stairs. Seriously. Every second one.

That happens. I’m fortunate my close family is not like that, but there is an over-representation of missing stairs of many hues in the wider family network. Those people are painful and destructive, and unable to be avoided.…

]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 19:59:26 +1200 Emma Hart https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292289#post292289 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292289#post292289 Perhaps there’s got to be a point where we give ourselves permission to declare missing stairs unacceptable risks.

Jesus fuck yes. And everyone gets to make their own call about where their tipping point is.

But if you asked them, I’m almost positive that they’d say the problem is me.…

]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 19:36:21 +1200 Lilith __ https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292288#post292288 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292288#post292288 I have known missing stairs with poor social IQ, pain causing conditions that make them short tempered, or difficulty hearing. What makes these people missing stairs is that, instead of finding coping strategies for themselves, they out-source the problem so the people around them have to make all the accommodations.… ]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 19:06:17 +1200 Joe Wylie https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292286#post292286 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292286#post292286 There is that inhibiting, much too prevalent social nicety of “If you can’t say nothing nice, don’t say anything”.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGt9jAkWie4

]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 18:53:30 +1200 Craig Ranapia https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292281#post292281 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292281#post292281 At what proportions can you free yourself from onerous family gatherings by saying “you know – I think everybody there would have a much better time if I didn’t go”?

At the precise proportion when you can answer “no” to this question: “Is there any net gain to coming away…

]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 18:36:24 +1200 Hebe https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292280#post292280 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292280#post292280 At what proportions can you free yourself from onerous family gatherings by saying “you know – I think everybody there would have a much better time if I didn’t go”?

When a) You do not want to spend the gathering fiddling with food, doing the dishes and sorting the recycling…

]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 18:11:47 +1200 Isabel Hitchings https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292279#post292279 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292279#post292279 I’ve known Missing Stairs who aren’t bigots at all, just people with very low social IQ who blunder about annoying people, for instance by being unbearably patronising. They may be basically nice people, but they’re the ones you invite out of a sense of duty rather than pleasure.

Some of…

]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 18:06:18 +1200 BenWilson https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292274#post292274 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292274#post292274 At what proportions can you free yourself from onerous family gatherings by saying “you know – I think everybody there would have a much better time if I didn’t go”?

You'll never be allowed to know that threshold, lest you treat it as a target :-)

]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 17:41:44 +1200 Heather Gaye https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292273#post292273 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292273#post292273 But if you asked them, I’m almost positive that they’d say the problem is me.
I was thinking about that on the back of people saying a large number of their family are missing stairs. At what proportions can you free yourself from onerous family gatherings by saying "you know…

]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 17:36:19 +1200 Megan Wegan https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292271#post292271 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292271#post292271 Here’s a conundrum. I have a family full of missing stairs. Seriously. Every second one.

But if you asked them, I’m almost positive that they’d say the problem is me.

]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 17:20:23 +1200 Geoff Lealand https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292269#post292269 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292269#post292269 Tue, 20 Aug 2013 17:17:00 +1200 Lilith __ https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292267#post292267 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292267#post292267 I've known Missing Stairs who aren't bigots at all, just people with very low social IQ who blunder about annoying people, for instance by being unbearably patronising. They may be basically nice people, but they're the ones you invite out of a sense of duty rather than pleasure.

On the…

]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 17:13:26 +1200 Bart Janssen https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292266#post292266 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292266#post292266 It is tempting to try to make, say, the Friend responsible for the Partner’s behaviour. Take them aside for a quiet word and say, “Dave, listen, can you have a word to Doug about X? It’s not fun to be around.” But another adult human isn’t actually their responsibility.

And…

]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 17:08:02 +1200 Marcus Turner https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292265#post292265 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292265#post292265 You don't deserve judgement by me or anyone else.

(I emphasise my earlier comment about cutting remarks.)

]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 16:49:42 +1200 Emma Hart https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292264#post292264 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292264#post292264 So in some ways treading on one of the missing stairs is a nice reminder that what I experience in the group of friends is special and valuable. Sometimes it’s important to be reminded that in some groups “those comments” are considered normal.

There is that. My own Inner Circle…

]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 16:42:09 +1200 BenWilson https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292263#post292263 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292263#post292263 But when people start quietly but nervously asking “Will X be there on Friday?”, they become a Missing Stair.

Seems like a necessary but not sufficient condition. I can think of people that create apprehension in my circle whom I would not call missing stairs. People don't want to avoid…

]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 16:40:35 +1200 Isabel Hitchings https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292261#post292261 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292261#post292261 Tue, 20 Aug 2013 16:32:00 +1200 Bart Janssen https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292260#post292260 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292260#post292260 Tue, 20 Aug 2013 16:26:04 +1200 Moz https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292259#post292259 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292259#post292259 It's hard to say, from your description, exactly where the "Missing Stair" was.

I wasn't trying to create a situation where the fine details of my family are published so you get to pick over everything that's happened and decide how you want to judge me. Sorry if that wasn't…

]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 16:21:54 +1200 Bart Janssen https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292258#post292258 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292258#post292258 Tue, 20 Aug 2013 16:19:07 +1200 Lilith __ https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292257#post292257 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292257#post292257 ’So what did they take? … Because it looks to me like it’s all still here”.

OH I WANNA HIGH-FIVE THAT SO BAD

+1

]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 16:15:15 +1200 Max Rose https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292255#post292255 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292255#post292255 I'm profoundly lucky that I don't have many Missing Stairs in my life, since my family are either good people or ignorable, my workplace tends towards the liberal, and a bigot wouldn't last long in my circle of friends.

But there is the occasional person who causes problems, who often…

]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 16:12:37 +1200 Rob Stowell https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292254#post292254 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292254#post292254 OH I WANNA HIGH-FIVE THAT SO BAD
Me too. Awe :)

]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 16:10:09 +1200 Heather Gaye https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292253#post292253 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292253#post292253 'So what did they take? ... Because it looks to me like it's all still here".

OH I WANNA HIGH-FIVE THAT SO BAD

]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 16:05:19 +1200 Danielle https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292250#post292250 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292250#post292250 Was the argument awkward because of what you thought they might think of you?

No, it was awkward because a) I was in their house, eating their food; b) they are older; c) one of them was going to be the MC at my grandfather's funeral the next day, at…

]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 15:35:44 +1200 Marcus Turner https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292248#post292248 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292248#post292248 It's hard to say, from your description, exactly where the "Missing Stair" was. Maybe relative x unintentionally said or did something that hurt. "I would prefer not to see him again" is an expression of preference: it wasn't actually directing anyone to do anything.

Cutting remarks do achieve things. The…

]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 15:09:20 +1200 Moz https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292247#post292247 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292247#post292247 Tue, 20 Aug 2013 14:49:20 +1200 Marcus Turner https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292246#post292246 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292246#post292246 Tue, 20 Aug 2013 14:48:14 +1200 Tim Michie https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292245#post292245 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292245#post292245 Tue, 20 Aug 2013 14:31:27 +1200 Danielle https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292242#post292242 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292242#post292242 Tue, 20 Aug 2013 14:15:57 +1200 Hebe https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292241#post292241 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292241#post292241 Tue, 20 Aug 2013 14:13:02 +1200 Craig Ranapia https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292238#post292238 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292238#post292238 One of the most useful concepts I found at Captain Awkward, which does a lot of assertiveness stuff using different language is “No is a whole sentence.” That was a huge eye-opener for me. You can just say, “No,” to people. You don’t have to try to justify it and… ]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 13:56:30 +1200 Jennifer Duval-Smith https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292237#post292237 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292237#post292237 Tue, 20 Aug 2013 13:50:10 +1200 Emma Hart https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292236#post292236 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292236#post292236 You may find some of this useful, in striving to cope with the situation like an adult:

One of the most useful concepts I found at Captain Awkward, which does a lot of assertiveness stuff using different language, is “No is a whole sentence.” That was a huge eye-opener for…

]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 13:47:14 +1200 Lilith __ https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292234#post292234 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292234#post292234 Tue, 20 Aug 2013 13:28:19 +1200 Marcus Turner https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292233#post292233 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292233#post292233 You may find some of this useful, in striving to cope with the situation like an adult: http://www.massey.ac.nz/massey/student-life/services-and-resources/health-counselling-services/resources/communication/assertiveness.cfm

It offers alternatives to the categories already mentioned.

]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 13:02:22 +1200 Craig Ranapia https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292230#post292230 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292230#post292230 This kind of thing pisses me off. I always have the suspicion that they really do hold those views but frame it as a “joke” if they get challenged.

I guess that’s why I’m becoming increasingly disinterested in parsing intent when in Necessary Bastard mode. I don’t care why I’m…

]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 12:52:11 +1200 Emma Hart https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292229#post292229 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292229#post292229 I always have the suspicion that they really do hold those views but frame it as a “joke” if they get challenged. They get the pleasure of stating their repugnant views but can’t be admonished because they use the humour defense.

In the most genuinely puzzled tone you can manage,…

]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 11:54:15 +1200 Bart Janssen https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292228#post292228 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292228#post292228 I get angrier with the “doing it for effect” kind quicker.

This kind of thing pisses me off. I always have the suspicion that they really do hold those views but frame it as a "joke" if they get challenged. They get the pleasure of stating their repugnant views but…

]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 11:47:32 +1200 Bart Janssen https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292227#post292227 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292227#post292227 Tue, 20 Aug 2013 11:43:05 +1200 andin https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292226#post292226 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292226#post292226 change the entirety of human socialisation
A few changes in this country are long overdue

]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 11:42:06 +1200 TracyMac https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292225#post292225 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292225#post292225 Tue, 20 Aug 2013 11:41:08 +1200 TracyMac https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292223#post292223 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292223#post292223 I tend to think of both of them as Missing Stairs, because if they’re not the “educable” kind of ignorant, the effect on you and the tedious adjustments you have to make around their idiocies/bigotries are the same.

Admittedly, I get angrier with the “doing it for effect” kind quicker.…

]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 11:29:42 +1200 Emma Hart https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292222#post292222 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292222#post292222 I’ve come across people who from time to time say nasty sexist racist homophobic classist body policing things (sometimes all in one utterance which is a very impressive feat) as a (really not very funny at all) joke, because they know it’s offensive and horrid, and that it will upset… ]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 11:28:44 +1200 Bart Janssen https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292221#post292221 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292221#post292221 third-wave sex-pos feministy sexy blogs

I didn't even finish the first sentance before my head started to hurt!

]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 11:11:02 +1200 Deborah https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292220#post292220 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292220#post292220 Great post, Emma.

A point of clarification, because I think I’ve got the Missing Stair concept right, but I’m not quite sure. I’ve come across people who from time to time say nasty sexist racist homophobic classist body policing things (sometimes all in one utterance which is a very impressive…

]]> Tue, 20 Aug 2013 10:39:01 +1200 Public Address https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292219#post292219 https://publicaddress.net/system/cafe/up-front-the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary/?p=292219#post292219 Discussion from blog post.

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