Public Address | Cafe | Up Front: Staying In

mark taslov

Tue, 30 Oct 2012 13:44:08 +1300

it used to really piss me off sometimes the things he shared about our relationship

Totally agree with you on this. There was a high profile blogger a few years back whose MO consisted of finding 'material' to fuck. Not cool.

Bart Janssen

Fri, 26 Oct 2012 10:15:47 +1300

“Dude, I didn’t need to know that”

And really that is simply true many times. Heck I feel that way sometimes when my workmates feel the need to discuss their baby's latest excretions.

Some things simply have no impact on my relationship with a person. Their orientation or kink does…

BenWilson

Fri, 26 Oct 2012 09:41:34 +1300

Yeah, but what’s “kinky” anyway?

Having sex with the light on!

andin

Fri, 26 Oct 2012 07:57:37 +1300

one of the near unique features of this blog/community is the uniformly high quality of contributions making it worthwhile reading every comment, your’s included.
Thanks Paul tho I am still overawed by the wit, strength and intelligence shown by contributors and commenters.

Max Rose

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 22:46:14 +1300

I think it’s probably a bigger thing for me because, y’know, nobody’s ever bailed me up at a party and spent an hour telling me I can’t possibly consent to being bisexual. Nobody’s ever told me my bi-ness is false consciousness, or that it means I’m contributing to the abuse…

Craig Ranapia

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 22:36:16 +1300

That’s even worse than my lesbian aunt, who gets the same from her 80 year old mother every time she breaks up with a girlfriend. “Oh, now you can meet a nice man and settle down…”

Well, at least she doesn’t have an uber-creepy billionaire father [[url|basically issuing an open…

TracyMac

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 21:55:47 +1300

I'm pretty much nodding along to everything you're saying here. Some of it may be about my not discovering my kinky side until my late 30s, so I may find it a more "defining" thing in future. Being queer – which I've known about for 26 years now – is…

Islander

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 19:04:15 +1300

but it seems as though some people don’t want to understand others at all

-or simply, dont have the empathy/imagination to understand people who are rather different than themselves-

I come from the basic belief – We are all human beings-

mark taslov

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 18:53:07 +1300

I’m really conscious here of not wanting to sound like I’m dissing people who do write under pseudonyms.

You come across as quite magnanimous. I never cease to be amazed at your candour in publicly expressing the kinds of sexually intimate details that so many are sadly still unable to…

Andre Alessi

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 17:58:08 +1300

“Dont worry dear – one of these days you’ll meet Mr Right.”
“Um, dont you think I know myself rather well by now? I mean, I’ll be 66 next birthday?”
Blank incomprehension….

That's even worse than my lesbian aunt, who gets the same from her 80 year old mother every…

Moz

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 17:33:16 +1300

Actually, one amusing flip side is people who really don't want to meet anyone who reads their blog, because of the personal disclosure in it. How do you deal with someone you've only just met in the flesh when they're familiar with your ongoing struggle with sex, or your primary…

Emma Hart

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 17:25:59 +1300

But in most circumstances, I wouldn't feel the need to tell an acquaintance, colleague or family member whether a particular relationship was a vanilla or D/s one.

Neither would I, but that's very different from whether I am vanilla or kinky.

I think it's probably a bigger thing for me…

Max Rose

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 17:12:24 +1300

Writing posts like those at TLG instead of here is one of the precautions I take. I feel safer simply because of the smaller and more focused audience.

Um, whoops! I hope I haven't ... outed you.

Max Rose

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 17:10:14 +1300

For me, BDSM is an orientation. It's more than what I do, it's part of who I am. I totally accept that it's not like that for everyone.

For me ... the jury's out at the moment. It feels like a vital part of me, and the more I think…

Islander

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 17:06:38 +1300

It’s more than what I do, it’s part of who I am. I totally accept that it’s not like that for everyone.

Asd most regulars posters here know, I'm an asexual. We're about 2% of the human population, and we have no obvious distinguishing physical characteristics.

We just dont feel…

Emma Hart

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 16:59:17 +1300

It can also avoid some dangerous misunderstandings among vanilla people, as another of Emma's posts (not sure whether it's here or on TLG) demonstrated.

The post Max is referring to is this one at The Lady Garden, which is coincidentally the same post I referred to in the column as…

Bart Janssen

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 16:58:33 +1300

Coming Out is about correcting those assumptions.

But assumptions allow people to deal with the inability to observe every single person as an individual. And before you leap up and say everyone should be treated as an individual consider that there are 6-7 billion of us on the planet and…

Emma Hart

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 16:27:53 +1300

whether BDSM was an aspect of my life that counted as "coming out".

Blatantly ignoring the way this conversation is threatening to become deeply ironic, I'll take a moment to talk about using the concept of "coming out" for something like BDSM.

I think coming out is a useful concept…

Deborah

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 16:25:56 +1300

Just popping in briefly to say, without having read any of the previous comments, that after driving to and from Wellington today, and being sans internet, when I got home and quickly scrolled through the list of posts on my RSS reader, the only one I clicked on to read…

Bart Janssen

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 16:24:11 +1300

reverse cowgirl

No I'm NOT going to google that.

Bart Janssen

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 16:22:58 +1300

it used to really piss me off sometimes the things he shared

It's part of the deal you have with your partner. I understand why sometimes it's easier to write something down than actually say it to the person you are having a relationship with ... but easy isn't always…

Bart Janssen

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 16:19:03 +1300

if you google

my name ... oh god how did that video get to the top of google! Don't get me wrong I'm kinda proud of being allowed to say those geeky things on video I just figured it would be buried in the depths of teh intertubes.

And no…

Max Rose

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 15:53:14 +1300

One thing about Clarisse's post on Coming Out Day was that it made me think about whether BDSM was an aspect of my life that counted as "coming out".

I can understand that sexual orientation and polyamory are things that have a public dimension: they're about who you have sex…

Lilith __

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 15:23:20 +1300

I can't feel I'm being honest with myself if I don't use my own name. Even though it makes my partner cringe sometimes, when I express my opinions or describe my experiences.

An ex-partner of mine used to blog (actually still does) under his own name, and it used to…

Paul Williams

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 15:19:16 +1300

But for me, I can't feel I'm being honest with myself if I don't use my own name.

+1. But like others, I've got a incredibly common name.

Or bad reasons. Mine? I'm a bottom of the heap nobody and I dont think anyone really cares about what I say.…

Andre Alessi

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 15:17:26 +1300

I love the fact that being closeted for a Wiccan is called, at least in the US, "being in the broom closet". I've heard stories of really vile harassment campaigns against people outed as Wiccans in small US towns.

I still struggle with the scope of discrimination like this. The…

Sacha

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 14:57:58 +1300

one-way secret identity

and

two-way street

– we can see where this is going, right? :)

Sacha

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 14:56:01 +1300

a real name as unusual as mine

Quite. Anonymity far easier for John Smith or Mei Ching, I imagine.

Emma Hart

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 14:55:42 +1300

where pseudonyms were the norm... many posters (particularly in the US) had a strong sense that ... linked to their real identities involved a real risk to their careers,

Eh, I'm going to mention this anyway even though Andre's deleted his post. Tough noogies, Andre. I love the fact that…

andin

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 14:43:34 +1300

Not dissing those who use a psuedonym, there are very good reason for people to use psuedonyms,
Or bad reasons. Mine? I'm a bottom of the heap nobody and I dont think anyone really cares about what I say. Still, I try to make sense.

Moz

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 14:28:26 +1300

where pseudonyms were the norm... many posters (particularly in the US) had a strong sense that ... linked to their real identities involved a real risk to their careers,

It's as much about being allowed to see your kids as keeping your job, for many.

This is still a problem…

BenWilson

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 14:27:31 +1300

Aw, I thought it was good, man. Too harsh.

Andre Alessi

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 14:15:37 +1300

Deleted long, rambly, self-centered post.

Shorter me: having a real name as unusual as mine makes anonimity on the internet pretty tricky, but I've been really lucky and privileged.

Emma Hart

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 13:55:42 +1300

And I am generally shit at this, but I just want to say thank you for everyone's comments here. It's a two-way street, of course: it's your behaviour, your support and your trustworthiness, that makes it possible for me to do this.

Emma Hart

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 13:53:09 +1300

some anon bloggers make huge efforts to keep secrets, others are "well, my employer doesn't officially know"

Yeah, slightly frustrated now because one of the blogs I read did a great post after the outing of Brooke Magnanti about how much work it is to maintain an actually-secret identity, and…

Bart Janssen

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 13:40:21 +1300

It was a lie.

This is the reason I comment using my name. Not dissing those who use a psuedonym, there are very good reason for people to use psuedonyms, and I'd rather hear their thoughts and experiences and not know their name, than not hear them at all.

But…

Max Rose

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 13:39:37 +1300

There are pros and cons to anonymity. In my old blog I used my real name, with my photo and email address in the sidebar. That helped me make contacts and build trust, and in the end it helped me get a job. It may have got me a few…

Russell Brown

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 13:24:37 +1300

And of course, LATE is one of the things I couldn’t have done if I wrote pseudonymously.

Quite.

I miss the stuff that isn’t in that clip – particularly David talking about Colin Craig, but it does show the enormous amount of fun we had doing it.

Yeah, it does…

Moz

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 13:23:17 +1300

t if I said something here that wasn't true, or was exaggerated or distorted, because people know who I am, someone would call me out on it. That makes me try even harder to be scrupulously fair.

I'm not sure how true that is for many blogs. I think it's…

Craig Ranapia

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 13:17:13 +1300

Another really important thing to do on Coming Out Day is do a bit of privilege-owning gratitude and remember there’s a metric fuckton of GLBT folks out there for whom being “out” (or outed) can quite literally be life-threatening.

Which, for me anyway, makes it important to use that privilege…

Paul Williams

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 13:15:43 +1300

Emma, a simple thanks seems a little inadequate as a response to this piece and many of your others also. I agree with the comments above, your writing and what you write about is fantastic and I appreciate the insight into how and why do you do it.

BenWilson

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 13:00:51 +1300

Good stuff, Emma. Yes, honesty is a very mixed bag. It's part of what makes your blogging powerful, and yet I know that it must also limit it a great deal too. It certainly has that effect on me. Limiting oneself to saying only honest things, one can find oneself…

Moz

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 12:57:29 +1300

I love the way the video starts with the obligatory: Emma Hart appears in this video so there is sexual content and adult language. You definitely have a reputation :)

Although maybe I'm too blase, but none of it seemed risque to me. Did I just miss something, or is…

Emma Hart

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 12:43:59 +1300

What I mean is that I don't think it would be right to call things posted under a pseudonym as less "real"

Yeah, I'm really conscious here of not wanting to sound like I'm dissing people who do write under pseudonyms. Clarisse's post is the best demonstration of the very…

Andre Alessi

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 12:10:24 +1300

I’ve always really appreciated the added groundedness (was going to say “realness”, but that’s not quite the right word, is it?*) that your posts bring to a discussion because they’re posted under your real name, Emma. I know from my own limited experience that the juggling and self-censoring that can…

Russell Brown

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 12:05:28 +1300

A 10-min clip from the September LATE at the Museum on "Lust", featuring Emma, turns out to have been languishing on YouTube for weeks now. It's germane to the discussion, I think.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YLwvIsAAun8

andin

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 11:50:02 +1300

Whatever you think about yourself, and if you are anything like me, it can go all over the place. (Roller coaster rides have nothing on my mind)
You are an incredibly brave person

Public Address

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 11:50:02 +1300

Discussion from blog post.