Oppositional-sexism makes good copy in our society. Be it ardent devotee Jeremy Corbett’s brain gig, our legislation, Paul Henry’s public ridicule,our advertising, our mythology, our education policies or our parenting, the media’s insistence on often heteronormaltive and cisnormative oppositional-sexism is omnipresent. Even amongst the the educated,…

the…

Possibly – I think Russell would rather say he’s not a heavy-handed moderator and depends a lot on the community’s ability to set fundamentally civilized standards and self-correct. But honestly, I would feel safe e-mailing Russell…

I’ve told my late-night Ponsonby Road story a few times, but … there I…

When guys understand the fear women feel alone in public spaces, and communicate that.…

I wasn’t trying to dismiss it and I don’t want to minimise anyone’s experience. Given that moderation was invoked I thought I…

If that was the case, I’m genuinely sorry about it.

But in some respects that’s the problem with the concept of triggering. I can’t remove what is to the people involved an inoffensive bit of banter because another participant has personal reasons to be upset by…

I was explaining the context. You were the one telling others how to behave.

If you don't know the people and their comment is ambiguous,…

I’m more likely to respond or warn than to take down…

You're welcome, and thanks for clearing that up.

I wouldn't be shy about asking Emma or Russell for a take down.

In my experience Russell is quite selective and often quite slow with his take-downs. Especially with things like this where there's ambiguity, and…

Thanks for instructing me as to how I should feel about that, I'll keep it in mind next time something I read here upsets me.…

That was my reading of it – the situation makes it so much easier, whereas if they had proper toilets, the rapists would have to [ahem] work a bit…

At best, Elliot Rodger sounded like a Lost Boy out of the Peter Pan universe. At worst, he was a narcissist in the vein of Clayton Weatherston.

If one was being kind to the author (and I haven't read the rest of…

Thanks for having my back there, but Lilith is on the button. Jackie is a very good friend of mine, and if I thought she was out of order I've certain no inhibitions about saying so — and because PAS is a space where "don't be a dick"…

I think this deserves a dishonourable mention for missing the point. And should be highlighted.

Because normally it's men getting hassled for saying "men get sexually assaulted too", rather than women threatening to do it.

I appreciate that. I'm just a bit wary of wading in with size…

Health workers, police and women's rights activists say women and girls face the risk of rape and harassment when they go out into fields or bushes due to the lack of toilets in…

Like, as a teen, engaging in intense, romantic, hand-holding because that was the best way to stop my date touching where…

The internet is a very big place. You may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist, etc...

But seriously. You get this discussion is about men, right?…

Christ. I mean, I know intellectually this happens all the time. Lesser versions of these things have happened to me, even. Why am I so shocked every time?

According to Rape Prevention Education:

In Aotearoa New Zealand, up to…

In my case nothing ‘seriously bad’ happened but only because of the evasive strategies I took to protect myself once I clocked where the situation was…

And expensive. I spend more to park near my destination, catch a taxi rather than walk or bus…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPFcspwbrq8&bpctr=1401338954

Is some of that because the victim is so often blamed for not doing X or Y and in reality the more common assault by someone known is so very difficult to do anything about that you over-compensate with the stranger assault? Holding…

That's right. The only times I've been physically and sexually assaulted have been by an ex-partner…

If you feel it – then it is real.

It is so strange that a species that has this amazing ability to have emotions, to share emotions, to empathise and sympathise and express all those things in numerous forms of art that can literally stop…

+ 1

Bloody oath – it sucks, blows and hurls rancid chunks all over the good carpet. And I think that's precisely why men find things like the #yesallwomen hashtag really...…

I have been in this position, and done just that. It was broad daylight, I was 13, and out walking my dog on the waste…

Doesn't it suck that we have to do this kind of risk assessment just to be outside our houses at night? I remember being 11 and walking to the bus for school and always keeping in mind which houses I could run to if a pedophile tried to…

I have to say I actually feel quite safe walking around Greymouth, even at night. I certainly feel a lot safer here than…

I completely agree about the gendering that happens at school (we found kindy was great, our youngest boy could dress as a princess and no one cared). But school...…

"Man kills ex (or on-off, or trying to be ex)-female partner" is such a common thing it's basically background noise in our society. I haven't really…

I’ve chewed over a couple or three things over the years, still do. None of them terrible, all of them things I wish I had the…

I'm not sure he did have a diagnosis, given that family friend someone Astaire was reported as saying his family just suspected he was…

This. We all fuck up sometimes, all of us. I've seen people…

What about Wossname in Auckland who beat his ex-girlfriend to death a couple of years ago? Same entitlement syndrome, result was still a death.

The only difference is that guns make it easier to kill someone rather than putting…

I know damn well that there have been times in my youth when I was "that man" to a greater or…

Historically when you wanted to go to war for whatever reason one of the first things that needed to be done was to define the other nation as "not human" or "other". That definition makes…

This is a big one, and maybe not so obvious. Because the script for a man when a woman they care about is hurt, is to leave her alone by herself, and Go After the perpetrator. "I'll go punch him in the nuts for you," doesn't actually…

Turns it into magical light tricks and projects it onto silver screens and burns it onto DVDs for our entertaining indoctrination.

The script is pervasive. For men it is to take vengeance on those who he sees as having wronged him. This "hero" often chooses to act in a violent…

To add to your list: Be a safe space. Let people know that you're safe. Don't touch them if they don't want it. Don't expect them to be OK when they're not. Don't assign blame. Don't offer retribution. It…

(I should probably note that I barely remember how this works in practice. I've been…

I'm sorry, can you explain that? How is it bad to flirt such that people want to flirt back?

Is "girl power" a positive when it's used about grown women?

Gender stereotyping is always a mix of positive and negative traits. Women are caring. Men are strong. Those are positive things.

I think it pays to…

Let me put this for you even more plainly. Women are clamouring to tell you about the violence they receive, every day, at the hands of men. The violence comes in words, in fists, in stalking, in being slammed against…

Let me put his another way. We talk about gun control every time a shooting happens in the 'States. We never, ever talk about the misogyny that underpins the deaths of…

No. Not the conversation we're having, okay? I'm not saying it's not a valid…

It's in-group/out-group thinking, which is a powerful motivator, but it's like sociological sugar – we need a little bit, but tend to take more than is good for us given the slightest opportunity. It always amazes me how…

Or... maybe not doing that.

Gulp. I am guilty of that myself at times, in using terms like 'boy look'. I can see it coming back in unhelpful ways at times, when my son latches on to this…

Not to derail, but, just this once could the conversation be, you know, ABOUT US? Women are clamouring to tell you that this is stuff we deal with daily, constantly, through our whole lives. And it's really hard to do that…

There's the ticket. They need to tell you, and you need to listen. There are ways to tell people they're getting the social rules wrong, and bullying is an unhelpfully popular way of doing this.…

Which was an interesting read. I think there's something to it, although I got to the same place by being somehow attractive to a woman (not via any great deliberate strategy, either). I'd possibly modify your "hook up, later…

I…

men and women, who see the entire opposite sex as one undifferentiated mass.

Aspergers makes it easier to see everyone as one undifferentiated mass. For me, the more (especially social)…

And it's depressingly related to what I like to call emotional vampirism — this 110 proof sense of entitlement to everything in every space they're in…

Yeah, I consciously haven’t included any of his words or even mentioned his name, because
a) I don’t want this discussion to be too difficult for, y’know, people like me, and I know it sounds ridiculous but quite literally…

True, but the problem, as Emma says, is that there's not a lot around to tell men what to do about that emotion, and what is there ranges from useless to dangerous.…

And there we’ve kind of hit the heart of it, in that old feminist cliché: it’s about seeing women as people.

More specifically, I think it’s about teaching our kids to see all people as people first, and their gender well down the line.…

If…