Public Address | Cafe | Up Front: It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Shitmas

Sacha

Wed, 05 Dec 2018 11:40:24 +1300

Kia ora. Seems to work that way across much of eastern europe, so slavic or somesuch.

Sasha

Wed, 05 Dec 2018 11:32:18 +1300

Thanks, I was deeply confused! Since you ask, Sasha was originally a diminutive for the Russian Alexander/Alexandra, so not a Romantic language. I can't speak for Sacha, however:).

Sacha

Tue, 04 Dec 2018 16:06:52 +1300

spelling sometimes counts, see

linger

Tue, 04 Dec 2018 14:15:56 +1300

Yeah, I thought it was a counter bug at first, too, but the answer seems to be that Sasha ≠ Sacha. (Hi to both!)

Sasha

Mon, 03 Dec 2018 11:46:58 +1300

I was in a café the other day and at the table next to me a man was chatting to his woman friend. At one point she asked "So, are you having Christmas at X's?". He replied "Yes, I expect so". I was left pondering the mountain of privilege that…

Paul Campbell

Sat, 01 Dec 2018 16:09:23 +1300

Not being religious we have never celebrated christmas, we have always however celebrated Xmas – the capitalist holiday for buying lots of stuff for small children – and we have a family tradition of tying a $20 to the top of the tree to remind ourselves what it's all about…

John Armstrong

Fri, 30 Nov 2018 16:44:00 +1300

Please don't feel guilty! After all, you weren't the thoughtless male who forgot his child was in the back seat..

TracyMac

Fri, 30 Nov 2018 13:23:43 +1300

Not to fan any more flames, but I did say that recusing yourself is a valid strategy, and did make it clear that my personal strategy was my own. (Also, my family dynamics have changed dramatically in the last 30 years, thankfully.)

The passive-aggressive remark was more about individuals __in…

BenWilson

Fri, 30 Nov 2018 11:20:30 +1300

I was shushed down when trying to talk about the epistemology of Santa, but my eldest pretty much assured Mum he'd worked it out and wasn't fussed. But the younger one can still be scarred for life too soon, so ... right OK, Santa's not Mum, and he's a he.…

Carol Stewart

Fri, 30 Nov 2018 10:54:38 +1300

Even Roald Dahl was in on the action with this wee verse:

__Where art thou, Mother Christmas?
I only wish I knew
Why Father should get all the praise
And no-one mentions you.

I’ll bet you buy the presents
And wrap them large and small
While all the time that…

Emma Hart

Fri, 30 Nov 2018 10:03:45 +1300

"wait, Mum is Santa"?

Oh John, I don't know why but I feel really guilty about this.

John Armstrong

Thu, 29 Nov 2018 23:40:52 +1300

We were driving through Tawa this afternoon and saw a female mannequin dressed as Santa in an op shop window. I pointed it out and started telling my wife about Emma's observation – Santa is a man but women perform most of the Santa work. Before she had even finished…

BenWilson

Thu, 29 Nov 2018 16:25:26 +1300

My attempts to streamline Christmas down, because it can be stressful as fuck even for the lazy dudes not pulling their weight, did not get far. It's a group event, so not only my call, really. My agnosticism is mostly irrelevant as an excuse and I do my best even…

Moz

Thu, 29 Nov 2018 09:25:57 +1300

Emma, I'm sorry. I was trying to avoid derailing but felt that TracyMac needed a response. I'm not going to engage with you, our experiences around this time are both very stressful, but also different to the point of being opposed. My "don't participate" is your "destroy christmas".

Emma Hart

Wed, 28 Nov 2018 20:35:54 +1300

Emma objected on the basis that participation is not optional

I absolutely did not say that. What I said, before you even entered the thread, was;

I agree that it's well possible to change this situation, of course it is, but the FIRST step is to acknowledge that the imbalance…

Moz

Wed, 28 Nov 2018 17:20:37 +1300

FWIW I've told my family that I'm going back to Aotearoa for some funerals and possibly when I retire. Anything else comes under the heading of "I think catastrophic global warming is a problem we should avoid. We all have to stop flying ASAP".

Moz

Wed, 28 Nov 2018 17:17:03 +1300

f you're not a willing participant, then I'd suggest not participating at all. It seems better to me than being an unwilling participant and going on passive-aggressive strike when asked to share the labour.

That was exactly what I suggested in the first place, and Emma objected on the basis…

TracyMac

Wed, 28 Nov 2018 16:46:05 +1300

You're eliding "willing participation" and "being asked to help".

If you're not a willing participant, then I'd suggest not participating at all. It seems better to me than being an unwilling participant and going on passive-aggressive strike when asked to share the labour.

And I say this as someone who…

Moz

Wed, 28 Nov 2018 15:35:46 +1300

From my point of view, it's because I loathe christmas and only participate under duress. I am way too familiar with the "I am doing so much work, you could at least help" argument being made in the context of "to make you miserable" and the reasonable answer of "how…

Hilary Stace

Wed, 28 Nov 2018 15:33:33 +1300

My daughter and I usually host the wider whanau for Christmas. That means a midday meal, other events over several days, and one or two out-of-towners staying. Although everybody contributes food and drink, the actual planning starts a couple of months earlier and includes – as well as the process…

Emma Hart

Wed, 28 Nov 2018 15:15:01 +1300

I think it's more that if you work a bit on making a less dramatic event you will find it easier to get through. Maybe think of 'don't do christmas" as the aspirational slogan and take small steps in that direction when you can?

I think when the suggestion is…

Moz

Wed, 28 Nov 2018 14:47:57 +1300

mark taslov

Wed, 28 Nov 2018 13:45:45 +1300

Don’t. Do. Christmas.

Yeah, if anything’s going to meaningfully address the gendered labour imbalance ingrained in our society, cancelling a festival is likely to be. that. silver. bullet. smh.

Moz

Wed, 28 Nov 2018 13:39:25 +1300

green clad Solstice Witch

:) I'm reminded of my favourite christmas song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t_KiHRHwaAs

Craig Young

Wed, 28 Nov 2018 10:11:48 +1300

Some wiccan families I know have a green clad Solstice Witch for this time of year. Sounds more geographically appropriate, and apparently the prezzies are nonsexist and ecologically sound.

mark taslov

Tue, 27 Nov 2018 17:29:46 +1300

For myself, I am pleased to find that my expectations of my sons are both the same

Totally feeling that, I’ve no idea what that must feel like as a parent – at this juncture you’re doing a heck of a lot better than my folks. I was particularly impressed…

Emma Hart

Tue, 27 Nov 2018 17:19:09 +1300

Yeah, I was very aware when I was writing this column how heterocentric it was. One of the people I was talking about this to early on on Twitter was Scout, and they were saying how their family-of-birth still, when it comes to stuff like this, codes them as female,…

mark taslov

Tue, 27 Nov 2018 16:47:31 +1300

oops: this was the Herald article I meant to link to re: Baker, Collings etc

mark taslov

Tue, 27 Nov 2018 16:27:19 +1300

I thought this paragraph nailed something:

And yeah, I know, women do some of this to ourselves. My mother was a freaking saint, but she still raised me by example to believe that men were utterly useless, and therefore excused. It was only after she died that I realised the…

Moz

Tue, 27 Nov 2018 15:25:04 +1300

Don't. Do. Christmas.

With you on that. Being in Australia has helped a huge amount with the "family xmas" pressure. The in-laws here are more buddhist than christian and helps a lot – christmas is much more obviously about the under-fives and the rest of us just hang out and…

Rosemary McDonald

Tue, 27 Nov 2018 14:51:28 +1300

Don't. Do. Christmas.

Just don't.

The most difficult thing about not doing Christmas is having to explain to others why it is that one is immune to this temporary insanity.

Hope you all get better soon.

Emma Hart

Tue, 27 Nov 2018 14:38:48 +1300

I agree that it's well possible to change this situation, of course it is, but the FIRST step is to acknowledge that the imbalance exists, and that the social pressures around it are real. THEN work out, together, with discussion, how your particular family is going to navigate it. And…

Carol Stewart

Tue, 27 Nov 2018 13:35:30 +1300

With you, Kiwiiano, except that having a big baked ham is not too hard to organise and is a basis for meals for days afterwards. Turkey = not happening.
With you as well Soon Lee about no, or very minimal, gifts for adults. If I'm going to give anything as…

Kiwiiano

Tue, 27 Nov 2018 13:16:27 +1300

It seems to me we're waaay overdue to pull back from the whole northern hemisphere mid-winter Saturnalia festivities thing and settle for a celebration more appropriate for our southern summer. If it can't easily be cooked on a BBQ, forget it! What we save on buying hams and turkeys can…

Soon Lee

Tue, 27 Nov 2018 12:14:22 +1300

Our Christmas tradition (now that my family is in Australia), involves going to the in-laws for brunch/lunch. We deliberately have this get-together be a potluck affair, with different members delegated/volunteering to bring different dishes.

We don't give gifts to the adults either, just to the children. It's supposed to be…

Emma Hart

Tue, 27 Nov 2018 11:40:16 +1300

Cheers Carol. I remember, but cannot find, an old Bogor cartoon with a bunch of female hedgehogs taking their kids to see Hedgehog Santa. One of them asks why they do all of this, and the other says it's so they can bring it all crashing down when they tell…

Carol Stewart

Tue, 27 Nov 2018 11:33:34 +1300

Wonderful post Emma. Thank you so much.
I remember a Minhinnick cartoon back in the day, that went along the lines of:
__"Mother bought the presents, Mother made the cake
Mother made the Christmas punch, mother baked the ham
Mother filled the stockings, Mother dressed the tree
‘Oh look Mum,…

Public Address

Tue, 27 Nov 2018 11:33:34 +1300

Discussion from blog post.