Public Address | Cafe | Up Front: Good Friends

TracyMac

Sat, 19 Oct 2013 12:17:39 +1300

[in response to Jackie]
Yes, I've been really fortunate that some people who've had that conversation with me have been really skilled at it. And that goes the range from "I can't really handle this right now" to "it's time to get your head out of your arse".

...Thinking more,…

Jackie Clark

Sat, 19 Oct 2013 08:28:04 +1300

It's a very delicate negotiation, I believe. But one worth trying, all the same.

TracyMac

Sat, 19 Oct 2013 01:23:27 +1300

The "ring theory" when I first read about it, felt like a really good codification of stuff that I was trying to implement in my own life. Vent outwards, not inwards.

I fall down majorly when it comes to the advice-giving thing. Unfortunately, my job is about troubleshooting and figuring…

Lara

Fri, 18 Oct 2013 19:36:26 +1300

Thank you for this Emma.

I have just recently had a work colleague in what *I personally* would describe as an abusive situation. Your piece shows me the stuff I did right, and the stuff I did wrong, so thank you. Unfortunately I will almost certainly need to refer back…

Richard Aston

Tue, 15 Oct 2013 20:48:27 +1300

Good advice Emma and so very hard to do, the closer you are to the person.

Helen Marie

Tue, 15 Oct 2013 19:53:19 +1300

Thank you Emma. This has been quite enlightening for me. I see now that I've been making well-intentioned stuff ups when trying to help in an abusive situation that crops up regularly within my family. I tend to offer suggestions starting with "you need to" and "why don't you just"…

Deborah

Tue, 15 Oct 2013 19:32:17 +1300

Thank you, Emma.

Lilith __

Tue, 15 Oct 2013 17:49:57 +1300

Emma, I think you're amazing. And this is a situation where I'm delighted to be told what to do!

Islander

Tue, 15 Oct 2013 17:33:35 +1300

ou want to help but it is not about you and advice is only helpful when it is asked for

In my (large) whanau, there are people who will immediately ask for help, and some who never quite will.

With the latter, the protocol – huh!~ What we do- is…

Raymond A Francis

Tue, 15 Oct 2013 17:02:13 +1300

Yes, some good things to think about
You want to help but it is not about you and advice is only helpful when it is asked for

Hebe

Tue, 15 Oct 2013 16:15:10 +1300

Very , very well put Emma. Much to reflect on.

Jackie Clark

Tue, 15 Oct 2013 15:02:32 +1300

The Ring Theory. Otherwise known as the Kvetching, or Comfort, Circle. I know it well. We used this when Carol got ill, and then when she died. I emailed everyone in our circle this article,. (There was a joke that I should assign which circle people were in as they…

Emma Hart

Tue, 15 Oct 2013 14:52:05 +1300

I think this is something a lot of people forget. It will take a long time… and leaving an such a relationship is just the start.

It's also the most dangerous bit. Abusive partners who are left often don't just go, "Well okay then. Guess that's over."

But if you…

Bart Janssen

Tue, 15 Oct 2013 14:42:40 +1300

As someone with a pathological need to give advice and "fix" things I can testify as to how very very hard it is to follow Emma's excellent advice. An advice column about not giving advice ...

I can also testify how valuable it is to have friends who can just…

Kirsten Brethouwer

Tue, 15 Oct 2013 14:34:36 +1300

thank you Emma, great post. Often when we don't know what to say it's because saying things is not what is most important, it's being with.

Hilary Stace

Tue, 15 Oct 2013 14:24:04 +1300

Good advice: do not give advice. You can, however, say, 'You are the expert on your own life and know what is best for you. How can I support you?'

But if you really want to give an alternative view you could say

'I don't have any personal experience of…

andin

Tue, 15 Oct 2013 13:54:11 +1300

On average, it takes seven attempts to leave an abusive relationship. Don’t think this is going to be a week where you help them leave, and then everything will be happily ever after. This is going to be a long process. It’s going to be hard.

I think this is…

Rageaholic

Tue, 15 Oct 2013 12:25:47 +1300

Thank you for this Emma, it is so important. I read about ring theory earlier this year while I was being the good friend and found it immensely helpful. This feels like great advice and I will sadly probably be revisiting this coloumn for reminders.

Anyway. Thank you. A Lot.

Kyle Matthews

Tue, 15 Oct 2013 12:04:42 +1300

Head full.

Graeme Edgeler

Tue, 15 Oct 2013 12:03:27 +1300

It's also probably not a good idea to write them an open letter.

Rob Stowell

Tue, 15 Oct 2013 12:01:03 +1300

Nigel McNie

Tue, 15 Oct 2013 11:42:26 +1300

What an awesome set of advice. Thank you.

Gee

Tue, 15 Oct 2013 11:40:59 +1300

Thank you for this Emma. It's incredibly helpful.

Public Address

Tue, 15 Oct 2013 11:40:59 +1300

Discussion from blog post.