At age 9 I jumped out of a friend's dad's car in a hurry and slammed the door closed with my left hand, just to make sure it shut properly. It did. Right…

Best.Line.Ever

Just in case there is any misunderstanding I offer this definition of the adjective in question:

"full of or resembling pus"

(and add my heartfelt thanks to Websters)

The best series of injuries I have had were three shoulder dislocations from a skiing crash, a fall in the bush and finally…

When flies lay eggs in your head the maggots come out of a horrible pussy hole.

Heh.

Best.Line.Ever

that nether region inbetween my arse and my scrotum

That would be what our American friends call the taint. 'taint one thing nor the other.

I was painting under the eaves one day and I needed to get down from a ladder that was set up in the middle of a cluster of shrubs. Camaelias I think.

For some reason I decided…

Perhaps if one of those voice-tube thingies that Peter Frampton attached to his guitar was installed on the ukelele that could perhaps dampen the effect.

Probably just make it worse though.

I hated the recorder and refused to learn it. I was the only…

For example, when I was about 10 I was riding full-tilt down Kingsley St into…

1975 and the Wombles have bought their live stage show to Whangarei, the Town Hall no less.…

I'm primary school age (9…

Me, I've been lucky to avoid breaking any limbs – although I apparently had a curious fascination with drinking gargle and eating my grandmother's sleeping tablets when about 3...

Worst accident in the close family was a cuz from…

playing recorder at primary school could driveanyone to despair.

Are they still doing this? It can't be good for the kids or the teachers.

I'm pretty sure I'm not the first to suggest this, but is there any other instrument that kids could learn that's cheap and easy? The ukelele???

My apologies, didn't mean to make light of Reeves.

No need to apologise at all Shaz, for it was I who was being tasteles for mentioning it (and deliberately so, which is worse).

Speaking of injuries, my ego is badly bruised since I poured my heart out at the bottom of…

reduced to impotent frustration trying to play the recorder in primary school. It wouldn't have turned out well.

Don't be so sure: playing recorder at primary school could driveanyone to despair. I'd pay good money for footage of Sid V or Johnny R tootling in primer three....

I was in the 2nd XV in the six form. At practice one afternoon early in the season, during a tackling drill, I thought I'd tackle our captain before he even caught the ball — just…

What do you mean, Felix? I am just curious.

There are not many benefits to be had from having various bones broken multiple times. However the old wive's tale about old breaks twinging before a cold spell rings true for me.

Just call me the weather whisperer – actually weather…

I can detect a Southerly about 4 hours before anyone else

What do you mean, Felix? I am just curious.

horses scare the bejesus out of me.

While horses don't scare me they've certainly been responsible for a fair few ACC claims as far as I'm concerned.

On the plus side it means I can detect a Southerly about 4 hours before anyone else

... a similar accident didn't work out so funny for Christopher Reeves. Yikes – horses scare the bejesus out of me.

{apologies if I'm bringing the party down}

Let me hasten to point out it was not me. My injury moments are much more mundane.

Yeah, but its the way you tell 'em, as that pommie comedian used to say.

Your description of the ball popping had me wimpering with a mix of horrified laughter and…

My learning leads me to the following, in no particular order:

When flies lay eggs in your head the maggots come out of a horrible pussy hole.

Ski boots are not great mountaineering equipment on ice…

Felix, that was brilliantly told (the nutcracking tale) – and I laughed out loud, sad as it is, and as much as it probably hurt the poor bugger. Thanks for sharing another's pain so eloquently!

Cheers for that.

Though I suspect I have just reinforced every stereotype about the ability…

So Mum dropped me off at…

YOOWWW!

That one gets my vote for best/worst.

Let me hasten to point out it was not me. My injury moments are much more mundane.

Though there was one very bad month of May back in 1991 when I did break a wrist. The problem being I was never quite…

YOOWWW!

That one gets my vote for best/worst.

The young lad in question had his misfortune occur one lunchtime while messing around the school pool. In summer it was open slather…

Zip/foreskin, now _there's_ a real eye-waterer...

I speak from experience: was about 16, I think, the only person in the house was Mum and, come on, no 16 year old male is going to invite his mum to look at that department, even if, as in…

Its at the top of a hill:…

Damn, looks like I told it.

Injury stories of a groinal nature

Just a near miss – age approx 10, playing with friends in the hills east of the Hutt valley. Came across a grazing horse. We didn't touch it, but it touched me.

Somehow I ended up behind it & close enough so that when the…

My partner was recently playing squash with a mutual friend. Said…

If you have to break a wrist make sure you do them individually and not simultaneously. Having two arms in plaster can make certain areas of personal hygiene rather challenging.

You said a mouthful, brother. In '81 I was being chased around the classroom by a bully. I leapt up…

If you have to break a wrist make sure you do them individually and not simultaneously. Having two arms in plaster can make certain areas of personal hygiene rather challenging.

Indeed. An in-law of mine fell down some stairs and broke both her elbows (her elbows mind you!). She was…

Well, that's my arm. More specifically, that's my arm at judo. There we are, rolling around doing groundwork, I get a good grip, the other bloke…

One 13 year old laid on the bed holding the sort of mains lead that plugs…

On another occasion my friend Matthew…

The next day I was helping Mum wash some clothes.…

good survivors

I'd point it more in the direction of very very lucky survivors with a knack for getting themselves hurt

My parents were away overseas, leaving me in the care of my two lovely grandmothers, staying in the good'ol Waipu Cove camping ground. Whilst the nanas were…

I can never really listen to Aha anymore without wincing a little.

Who can?

"....where he put a concrete drill through it. He's right-handed, the drill was in his right hand. "

Emma – I'm still trying to work this one out :)

Yeah, me too. And I wish I could say 'ha, it's because he is delightfully flexible'...

Apparently it involves sticking your…

Help

Sounds like the sort of sleight of hand that would be hard to explain without a slow motion replay.

But yes, I'm wondering if the fertility clininc is a red herring :)

Heh, Okay, my partner may not thank me for this... He has a huge scar on his upper right arm where he put a concrete drill through it. He's right-handed, the drill was in his right hand.

Good news? He did it in a hospital. Bad news? He did it…

That sort of attack the target of your affections is usually more of a guy thing innit?

Maybe – she was a tomboy & showing off in this instance "Hold that lemon up, I bet I can shoot it without shooting you."

The "guy" thing came then... "OK".

I was too shy at the time to appreciate that that probably meant she fancied me. :)

That sort of attack the target of your affections is usually more of a guy thing innit?

Emma – I'm still trying to work this one out :)

I was too shy at the time to appreciate that that probably meant she fancied me. :)

Good news? He did it in a hospital. Bad news? He did it…

What a gyp.

Well I suppose should a vacancy for Phantom of the Laboratory come up....

What??!! So we're being deceived about all this.

Indeed. When I was reading the article, and it started to say "The left half of Bugorski's face swelled up beyond recognition..." I was thinking it's definitely Two-Face meets Radioactive Man time.

But no. Just deafness and epilepsy. What a gyp.

Unfortunately, there was no hint of any superpowers.

What??!! So we're being deceived about all this.

As a researcher at the Institute for High Energy Physics in Protvino, Bugorski used to work with the largest Soviet particle accelerator, the Synchrotron U-70.…

Leaving the hospital, walking extremely stiff-legged with the aid of crutches, was just fine and dandy. Lying prone in the rear seat of the car while Pip drove me home was also without…

RE: Cats.
Just yesterday my cat Jedi (what!?) managed to slice me half a centimetre deep UNDER my thumbnail!

Home Knitting Machines. Which possess a really nifty thing that you slide across a row of sharp needles, making a cool sound. Well I fell of the cheer, and caught my ear on said row…

Then this…

I remember being bored

What are the chances you were that kid that used to throw things at me :)

a kid chopped off the end of his finger by sticking it in a machine at MOTAT.

and that reminds me of when I was a projectionist for the Wellington…

For some reason, I was not at all keen on the idea of going…

Luckily, I leapt up straight away, unharmed, allowing everyone watching to…

Playing in the "halves" meant that I was the cannon-fodder in the defence of a penalty corner. I would sprint as fast as a could towards the guy who was going…

the next morning, driving me home, Bill was unusually reticent (which would be very reticent indeed), and as we cruised round the corner near our house, there was dad's car, looking…

God yeah, I don't know if I'll ever forget that – it was like stumbling onto the set of Bad Taste.

Heh – I remember that.

Reminds me of when I was a passenger…

And a story of my mum, guillotining off the crowns of…

But scrapes & cuts were the worst from such mishaps.

Until one day, at the age of 11,…

He's a keen surfer, so he and bunch of surfing buddies went for a surfing trip in Indonesia, off a remote island reef.…

Oddly enough, I can walk fine now, but sitting down for long periods is hell.

Personally, I'm curious to hear…

my rheumatics are due to ..err... fighting. Would've dealt better, but I wasn't expecting her to kick me quite so much.

That sounds like one of those things I really want to hear more graphic detail about, right up until I actually hear it.

But I've spent the last six months on a diet of physio and anti-inflammatories after injuring a hip doing yoga. It aches in the cold which I think officially pushes me into the ranks of Old Bastard.

I'm having a similar problem right now (though not quite as severe), except…

Badly done, Emma! My injuries — and indeed the generally precarious state of my health — are no laughing matter. I take such things very seriously indeed, and I don't take kindly to fun being poked at them.

What made you think I was laughing? You can't see me laughing…

I think we should just dedicate this thread to David Haywood from the get-go...

Badly done, Emma! My injuries — and indeed the generally precarious state of my health — are no laughing matter. I take such things very seriously indeed, and I don't take kindly to…

The funniest injury I ever witnessed was a good friend of mine dislocating his shoulder while dancing at a party. I laughed so hard I got…