Random Play by Graham Reid

The announcement that Plunket will support legislation preventing parents and caregivers from giving their children a slap if they misbehave has outraged some.

Already two groups have announced they will oppose the legislation, Plunket Mothers for Smacking (PMS) and Plunket Mothers for Tradition (PMT).

Mrs Jesse Harris for PMS told reporters yesterday that politicians had no right to tell parents what they could and couldn’t do when it came to whacking their own children.

“This is just more social engineering by this Labour Party which is trying to prevent people from doing what they want to their kids, and not allowing us to smoke in pubs and so on.

“If you ask me some of these namby-pamby liberals in Labour are the product of being moddy-coddled as children and most of them probably deserved a good slap across the face every now and again. They still do. We’re bloody angry.”

When it was pointed out that the proposed legislation originated with the Greens Mrs Harris said, “Well some of those bastards need a bloody good whack across the kisser too.”

Mrs Jean Tunney speaking for PMT was of a similar disposition but said their group was also looking at the broader issues of the erosion of traditional roles for parents.

“It has been a great Kiwi tradition to give your kids a smack if they misbehave in a supermarket, like when they get bored and want things. That’s a tradition which we have loyally upheld for decades and we see no need to change it now.

“I don’t know what this PMS group is on about but if they don’t fall into line with us on this vitally important issue I can see we could come to blows, and I tell you, I won’t be the one who is left with a bloody nose at the end of it either, pal.”

The two groups have found an unlikely ally in New Zealand First leader Winston Peters who declared yesterday that the proposed legislation reflected yet another influence Asians “and other foreigners” were having on traditional New Zealand values.

“I have here a list of the names of 27 people who have arrived in this country in the past year who have never smacked their children and are prepared to swear an affidavit to that effect. That’s the level these people will stoop to in order to undermine the values of decent hard-working Kiwis. These 48 people have come here from countries where they don’t even speak English, and I think that proves my point.

“But what we have seen under this Labour government is people like these 63 whose names I have are flooding into the country with no checks on whether they are fit parents, let alone will make decent hard-working white New Zealanders like the people I represent. And maybe some Maori too, I suppose.”

Green MPs are largely reluctant to speak about the impending legislation as some of their members have been abused and struck in the street and their co-leader, that one whose name no one can remember, said yesterday she had also had some unhappy confrontations with a Labour MP over the issue.

“I won’t mention any names, but one particular MP approached me in the corridor the other day and invited me to a game of tennis. I didn’t like the way he said it and I suspect it was some form of intimidation of the kind you might use to control an unruly group of schoolboys. I felt very threatened.”

The legislation is expected to appear in Parliament before the election despite some politicians best efforts to bury it because it is a no-win issue for MPs who are currently watching their backs.

Act’s interim leader Rodney Hide said that discipline was fundamental to a decent society, and to that end Act supported any groups opposed to the legislation, especially those prepared to take matters into their own hands.

“This isn’t a time for division across party lines and personally I’d like to see someone like Gerry Brownlee given his head here to knock some sense into these Greens and Labour Party girly-men. But I am prepared to wait until after the election before I start looking for an excuse to have a whack at someone.”

“We are generally a peaceful society in New Zealand, the odd gang, rugby team and crazy driver excepted,” said Mrs Harris of PMS. “And although some reckon we have pretty high incidences of child abuse and kid killing here we don’t see there is any connection between disciplining a child by using a firm smack or even a belt with rivets in it, and the fact that some bastards go a bit too far.

“We are pleased Mr Peters has swung on board with this important issue and tomorrow I will be approaching him for the names of those 78 people who have slipped in to the country illegally and are campaigning against Kiwi values even before they’ve got their taxi licenses.”

National’s Don Brash said he wasn’t inclined to comment at this time but said as a boy he had often been thrashed within an inch of his life when he told his family he wanted to be an artist and it hadn’t done him any harm, in fact it had got him a good job working with interest rates “which can be lots of fun, you know“.

The prime minister is overseas and unavailable for comment.

I have never subscribed to the theory that the media conspires to keep us stupid. Now I’m not so sure.

We were away in the States for a few weeks recently so missed the first episodes of Dancing With The Stars. But we could hardly miss it on our return. I still haven’t seen the show itself and, as with New Zealand Idol last year which I missed every episode of, don’t expect I ever will.

But I know more about it than I think is healthy. For a month you couldn’t pick up a paper without someone called d’Artangan (really?) or a blonde in pretty frock swirling across page three. I have mentioned in a previous blog how low things have sunk when columnists strain to find a metaphor in this show for our current political situation.

Then there were the stories by journalists who were allowed backstage, or at rehearsals or wherever. Enough already. I’ve seen as much of this as I needed on the back of a bus this morning where a pouting Nicky Watson towered over my Honda City.

The dancing phase seems to be passing a little because we have moved on to interviewing the Barmy Army. Or indeed anyone from Britain or Ireland who happens to be wandering around the country. Or even live here.

The new low was set in the NZPA story about the son of the British actor Arthur Lowe (who played Captain Mainwaring in Dad’s Army).

Leaving aside the fact that Dad’s Army first screened 30 years ago and that Arthur has been dead 23 years, and that his son Stephen has lived here unmolested for seven years until now . . . but you did have to wonder if someone wasn’t getting a little desperate for an angle for a rugby story.

Stephen Lowe, whom I’m sure is a thoroughly nice chap, had bugger all to say: I’ll paraphrase the article. Stephen likes it here and is in for the long haul (he’s “a true blue Kiwi” according to the article), and says his late dad might have been shocked at what the NZPA writer called his “defection”.

Stephen also doesn’t think New Zealanders need to defend our coastline against the Barmy Army. Ho-ho.

And there was more silliness yet.

Sorry, but this Barmy Army thing coming on the high heels of Dancing With The Stars, and I see the next series of New Zealand Idol is auditioning, stories are appearing already. Hmmm.

I’m all for lightweight stories -- I wrote and still write entertainment articles -- but there seems an air of desperation to this saturation coverage of things on the margins of importance.

God forbid that it all be serious politics, although wouldn’t you like to see some more hard-hitting pieces in the run-up to what could be quite an interesting election? There‘s enough out there from Winston‘s McCarthyism to the crumbling but hubris-filled Labour Party. But that won’t happen for a while. Why not?

Because we now have the Stand in Black campaign gearing up like the Red Socks Campaign, and questions about why we can’t sing like the Barmy Army, and photos of good and decent Kiwis saying how much they support our team. And so on.

Notions of our patriotism or lack of it are swirling around in the air, and frankly I couldn’t give a damn. I like rugby, I used to play for both school and club, and certainly watched the first Lions game. I’ll watch the tests if I’m near a television, and recently I wandered into the Kingslander pub nearby just to check on the big screens should I choose to spend a boozy night watching a game there.

But, and I am sure I’m not alone in this, I don’t define myself by a rugby team and have never believed the state of the nation depends on winning a sports match. God forbid that should be the case.

So I can live without the daily drip-feed of Barmy Army stories, what some blokes on the West or East Coast thinks about our team, the articles about women supporters of the Lions, the photo shoots of players going about their PR business, and so on.

Rugby is a game, and a good one at that. The rest is interesting but is mostly window dressing -- and I suspect, a diversion.

We need a bit of perspective, particularly in news rooms, and I don’t think we should go to sports commentators for it. After all, it is in their best interest to keep these stories running.

Consider this from statement from Brendan Telfer on Radio Sport: “It’s part of our ethos, that every man, woman and child is behind the All Blacks whenever they play.”

Bullshit. Get that man to dancing classes where he can get a real life. Apparently.

Between promoting my travel book -- Postcards From Elsewhere ($29.95) which is not just a collection of previously publishe Herald pieces I hasten to add -- and trying to write for money to pay the mortgage, being on the case for Random Play has been slightly problematic this past fortnight.

But in keeping with the “random” bit, here are some things which have been battering around in the upper floor.

Sick of reading about the Barmy Army yet? The only good story had been by Tim Watkin in the Listener where he questioned some of the bullshit figures being thrown around about how many are supposed to be coming here.

And speaking of the Barmy Army. Doesn’t it strike you that a mixed message about drinking is being sent right now. We seem to be celebrating this influx of pub-crawlers (“Win or lose, we booze“) yet bemoan binge drinking? Just a thought.

And speaking of drinking. The talk about raising the drinking age? Here’s a thought, let’s get specific in our targeting of problem drinkers. Let’s ban sportsmen from drinking after a big game. That way you won’t get bouncers bashed in clubs at 2am, civilians won’t get their legs pissed on in pubs, and windows might not be broken. Just a thought.

And speaking of banning. Don’t you think things have gone weird when even political commentators try to work in a mention of Dancing with the Stars like this was some kind of metaphor in the current political climate. People, it isn’t. It’s just another crap television concept which has been getting an unnatural amount of coverage. God, we must be bored. A moritorium on mentioning it please.

Winston Peters Part One: When will he wave a piece of paper and bellow, “I have here the names of . . .” Oh. He has?

Winston Peters Part Deux: Is anyone prepared to make an excuse for this man? And here’s a thing: if you agree with him about the race/immigration thing then there is a word for you. It is “racist”. Oh, I hear you, “Gee, that's a bit harsh, he’s raising important issues . . .” No, stop. You’ve fallen for it. He’s a racist, and you are too. “But if you look at the figures …” No. See. Now you are confusing yourself. Stop. Listen. He is a racist. You are a racist. That’s it. There is no more.

Landscape and art. I’m pleased I’m not the only one who thinks the design for Shania Twain’s big house is actually pretty nice and looks like a very harmonious thing in the landscape down south. But, as I was told when I started at the Herald many years ago by an old hand: “Never ask permission from anyone in a position to say no. They will always say no.” I guess someone who can say no is drinking a good chardonnay, looking at the southern light and congratulating themselves on what a fine fellow they are that they can wield such power over people who have the temerity to be rich and famous. Mate, you might just be being petty.

But what do I know. I live in Auckland where we are used to crappy architecture and design. Amanda Reynolds, a Kiwi designer working in London, was interviewed on the National Radio this morning and was right on the button: New Zealand architects are concentrating on the iconic. We’ve got enough iconic. Buildings, especially apartment blocks, that look nice, can breath and don’t leak might be a better priority.

And finally: isn’t it sad that someone felt the need to say of the couple murdered in Fielding that they wouldn’t have hurt anybody. They were aged 73 and 76. Sigh.

There’s something nice about being a published writer at a Writers and Readers Festival. Strangers look at your name tag and nod knowingly (or shake their heads in bewilderment), people you haven’t seen for years (and in one case at least three decades) come up and say hello, and total strangers who buy your book become instantly familiar with you. I signed books and wrote personal messages to people I said no more than a dozen words to.

I had lunch with Mark Kurlansky and in the Green Room at the Hilton Witi Ihimaera kindly said my name was familiar to him. I felt like I had arrived, and I loved it all.

Yes, my first book Postcards From Elsewhere landed with a light thump in bookshops on Friday and the following day I was on two panels at Writers and Readers Week: the first was about travel writing and I shared a stage with Graeme Lay who boldly announced he likes to travel in great comfort and know when the flight out leaves, and with Eric Hansen whose travelling life has been punctuated by shipwrecks, bar fights, and sundry unpredictable weirdness.

I sat between them, both literally and metaphorically.

It was an interesting hour (for me if not those in attendance) and I learned a number of things: notably that as an author you should not be shy about reading from, and talking up, your work.

I have always thought that going to see a writer simply read from their book was kinda cheap. For a kick-off a lot of writers don’t actually read that well, and secondly I figure I can read the damn thing anyway (and probably have, otherwise I wouldn’t be there).

But I went to another event where five writers read from their work (the elegant Caryl Phillips exceptionally well, the rest hmmm). But the audience at this, and at the travel one when Hansen read (very well, incidentally) seemed happy. So if there is another forum or another book I have out, I intend to adopt what I thought was a rather indolent practice.

Okay, I know it is about the writer giving voice to the words and so on, but at $15 …

I also learned that bragging is part of the contract and there is nothing shameful about mentioning the title of your book many, many times.

Mine incidentally is Postcards From Elsewhere, a collection of 20 travel stories (only a couple previously published, it is not reprints from Herald stories) and is brought to you by Random House for a mere $29.95. It is extremely well written (funny, insightful, sad in parts and thought-provoking in others) and is in all good bookshops now.

The other thing I learned is that I can do this: get out and talk about my book, make jokes at my own expense, be witty and cavalier, and not make a rude comment when Peta Mathias, who chaired the travel panel, suggested that people travel so they can have sex with strangers.

I had a withering response on the tip of my tongue and, unusually, I second guessed myself and decided it was better to blush and look coy than offend her.

I have actually enjoyed the whole interview process, I guess because I am so used to being on the other side of the microphone. I did a session with Chris Laidlaw the other day for his Sunday show (which will broadcast in a few weeks) and that was also fun.

Chris had actually read my book and said how much he enjoyed it. He quoted from it, asked some questions which indicated he’d done more than skim read, and seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say. It’s a rare skill that he has. I know. I have it also because I have had to interview many and various bores and have sounded interested too.

Of course the next bit is when the reviews start to tumble in (I am warned there is one in tomorrow’s Herald in the travel section).

There is one published already, a very curious one by Warwick Roger in North and South.

Warwick, a man who I respect and actually gave me a start in writing when he published some essays and short stories in Metro at the dawn of time, doesn’t seem to like Postcards From Elsewhere (Random House, $29.95)

But then again he did indicate I wrote about Tokyo (I didn’t) and said that I sat around in cafes and watched the world go by. I guess he didn’t read the one about going out for a gunplay night with a cop in Miami, staying in poverty-stricken Clarksdale in Mississippi, travelling around Korea with some old soldiers, going to a remote island off the coast of Korea, a night at the boxing in Thailand, being inside the very disconcerting Graceland Too in Mississippi (you’ll need to read the book for that peculiar place), some weird times in a cockroach infested hostel in Taiwan, and failing to climb a mountain in Samoa. Among others.

I found that comment about sitting around in cafes in the review -- which was also in parts complimentary -- most odd. A friend said I should have been insulted because I seem to spend a lot of my time in bars, not cafes!

Anyway I think Roger is also sort of right in a couple of his comments -- maybe the pieces about Dali and Cervantes are a bit teacherly, I need to read them again with that in mind -- although I am not sure that all stories should end with an irony or twist in the tale, as he suggests.

Sometimes, at least this has been my experience in life and specifically while travelling, things don’t have a twist or an irony, they just end. To impose an irony for example would seem artificial.

Oddly enough my stories do seem to have a punch line or a wry point. And not one of them ends with, “Needless to say, I has the last laugh”.

Anyway, my book -- Postcards From Elsewhere (Random House, $29.95) -- is out there. Other people who have read it have been very complimentary and some of my friends -- who I would have expected to knock me up for a free copy -- have actually bought it.

Should you wish to know more about this soon-to-be-a-best seller you can check my website, or tune in to most radio stations.

Today I am doing Solid Gold ay 3pm and within a week I will have gabbled away on iwi stations, chatted to Simon Dallow and Martin Crump and Kerre Smith on their various programmes, and will be on 95bFM on Damian Christie’s Sunday show alongside fellow-author David Slack whose Civil War And Other Optimistic Predictions is also out there in bookshops.

I recommend David’s to you very highly. It might just be the second best book you buy this month.

A group of former schoolteachers has responded to allegations in Parliament by the deputy leader of the Act Party Mr Roderick White that Labour spokesperson for civic politeness Mr Phil Ryan had beaten him mercilessly when he had been a student in Mr Ryan’s woodwork class in 1964.

The spokesman for the former teachers at Routebourne High in Otago, Mr David Manners, said they were hardly surprised Mr White had been punished while in 3D Commercial.

“The boy was a snivelling little tattle-tale, a shit of a kid who would regularly run to teachers with made-up stories about other students. He would make allegations and then when it came time to go to the principal to discuss them he would always chicken out or say one of the bigger boys had made him do it.

“I thrashed him a few times myself, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. In fact I think White probably deserved everything he got, little bastard that he was.”

Mr Ryan (List, Westharbour) said last night he had not remembered Mr White from his class 41 years ago, but recently when shown a class photograph from the period he identified White immediately as, “that little prick, the tubby boy who used to whine if he wasn’t made milk monitor. I had no idea Blubberbum White was the same person as the honourable member”.

Mr White has denied that the allegations he has made are politically motivated but are instead driven by the need for historical complaints to be addressed.

“We regularly see citizens seek redress for historical wrongs, and in this I am no different from any other decent, long-suffering, tax-paying New Zealander. The fact I have made this statement at this time during preparations for an election is coincidental.

“I have known the honourable member as a hard-working and fair-minded politician for almost 30 years but it was only last month I recognised him as Straphappy Phil, as we used to call him at school.

“He strapped a friend of mine David Lewis, now a lawyer, family man, and a well-known bankrupt. I was having a port at his club a few weeks ago and we were laughing about school days -- David used to piss over the urinal wall and onto the boys in the playground, still does actually -- when he mentioned that MP Phil Ryan was the same person as the one who slapped me with a wet bus pass one day then poked me with a ruler another time when I was talking during detention.

“He also caned me twice. I can‘t remember what for but it really hurt, and my mum went to the deputy principal to complain about it.”

Mr White concedes that at the time such actions by teachers were not uncommon but noted that while he may not have suffered any long-term emotional damage that did not mean others hadn’t.

“The fundamental point here which the media is missing entirely is that I am speaking up for the voiceless, those good hard-working tax-paying New Zealanders who have suffered at the hands of school teachers over the generations. If any political mileage comes out of it that is a mere, but fortunate, coincidence.”

The group of former Routebourne High teachers however has reacted angrily to the allegations and has issued a statement asking that Mr White’s character as a student be included in the investigation by the commission of enquiry the Prime Minister has called for.

“Let’s face it, “ said Mr Manners last night, “Roderick White was one of those pasty-faced kids who was incredibly unpopular and used to hide in the library at lunchtimes because other boys would throw tennis balls and their sandwiches at him.

“He was an utterly self-serving, disingenuous turd at school, but I refuse to be drawn to comment on whether he is the same today. I leave that for the commission of enquiry and the court of public opinion to conclude.

“I just remember him as the only boy in school the choir master refused to bugger. He really was that much of a shit.”