Exercising our god-given right to blaspheme today is my predecessor at Salient, fellow heathen scum Matt Nippert. These articles (including my previous posts) were published in Salient in 2003.
Tomorrow: Apocalypse.
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McMecca provides Paradise close to home
by Matt Nippert
In an unprecedented move, the White House has endorsed Islam, declaring that "if Ariel Sharon is a man of peace, then Islam deserves the same acclaim".
The announcement follows the completion of a massive mosque in central Indiana.
President Bush declared that "Americans should not need to travel abroad to fulfil their religious duty, or Haj. Instead American Muslims should travel to McMecca, a fun-filled theme park for Muslims everywhere."
McMecca includes Halal McDonalds and KFC outlets, as well as a Vegas-inspired Ka'bah replica complete with self-flagellating midget Sufis.
Entrance is restricted to practising Muslims, or any American with a criminal conviction.
"It's like the real Mecca, only more conveniently located, with more modern amenities, and the approval of the Department of Homeland Security," Bush said, urging all American Muslims to visit as soon as possible.
Pillars of smoke, presumably from the massive fast-food fryers within, wound lazily upwards from McMecca, the only external sign of the revelry and religious euphoria inside.
International media crowding at the exit to McMecca were unable to find anyone leaving, giving rise to speculation from the international community about the benefits of the site.
"We're very impressed," said one Italian delegate. "We're thinking of building McBethlehem since those damned Israelis keep closing the West Bank at Christmas."
"In other news, customs officials have decided to quarantine all those with SARS (Severely Anal Religious Sympathies) in either a four-foot cell in Guantanemo Bay or the "plush, friendly and secure surroundings of McMecca."
Detainees are allowed to choose.
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Pope Wins $1 million
by Matt Nippert
Pope Benedict XVI, a contestant on the popular Who Wants to be a Millionaire gameshow, has walked away with the grand prize.
Entered by the Vatican, which hoped to tap into the lucrative American pop-faith market, the Pope appeared headed for an early exit after appearing clueless when faced with pop-culture questions.
After exhausting his lifelines early in the process, and wrongly guessing that Sydney, not Canberra, was the capital of Australia, the Pope invoked the doctrine of Papal Infallibility.
‘I am the voice of God. I am all-knowing,’ he declared to a clearly shocked Regis Philburn.
Regis acknowledged the divinity of the answer, and was forced to declare the answer correct.
From that point on, the road to the $1 million prize was mercifully short, punctuated only by a singing and dancing routine by a travelling squad of nuns.
Meanwhile, the Australian Parliament Building, being transported north along the coastal highway, fell off a moving truck and plunged into the ocean.
John Howard took advantage of the opportunity to declare Parliament dissolved, granting himself absolute power.