Island Life by David Slack

Celebrity Skin, Gossip, Espionage

What's a good blog without the odd bit of inside information? Want to get a look at the list of people who've applied to be the nation's top spy? You've come to the right place. Public Address readers are always reliable for a good bit of Wellington gossip, and sure enough, I've been handed some very interesting dossiers this week.

I don't know why they came to me instead of Ian Wishart, but I'm flattered all the same.

The job application is one of life's great democratic moments. You don't need much to apply for a job, be it the head of the SIS, chief executive of TVNZ or Linda Clark's replacement, to take just three current vacancies. If you have a 40 cent stamp, a brown envelope and Microsoft Word, there is no-one in the world who can hold you back from putting your hat in the ring. You need simply type up your CV, maybe padding it a little, possibly using the 21st century power of your word processor to give each heading a different colour, and of course attaching a good head and shoulders shot.

Perhaps some people actually make a sport of it. Perhaps there are Walter Mitty types dotted around the country who send off applications for every prestigious appointment that comes up, just for the entertainment value of getting a nice boilerplate response under some glorious letterhead from the head of Human Resources - or People Capability as Llew tells me the smart organisations are styling it these days.

But you don't want to know about that; you want to take a sticky-beak and see who's put their hand up to be put in charge of spying on their fellow kiwis. I must say there were a few surprises. I won't share them all, but here are a few you that might interest you.




Nicky Watson
I would like to be the new chief spy please. My agent says I should show you this photo and that will tell you what you need to know. He says that a good spy needs to be able to get stuff out of people and I have got what it takes. I don't know if he is right but when I get into a hot tub with a guy, you would not believe what I can get out of him.






Paul Holmes
I know a lot of people. I know where the bodies are buried. You don't put in fifteen God-forsaken years into that God-forsaken show without getting something useful out of it, let me tell you.





David P Farrar
I am 94% evil, so no difficulty with scruples or disappearing the odd person.






Steve Braunias
God knows, some wretch has to do it. Do you have a tea lady? You seem the type of outfit that still would. What about an outdoor barbecue? I work best with the smoke of a barbecue and the aroma of a thick wedge of slow-grilling Hereford. Would there be a place for a man to watch football on an infeasibly large television screen?






David Benson Pope
Available for immediate start. Please reply promptly.






Michael Bassett

I have a book project or two to dispose of but I am nevertheless interested in discussing this position with you. I have been taking notes for a very long time.






Ahmed Zaoui
Your wonderful country has shown me much kindness and I would like to return the favour by diligently protecting her borders. As the proverb says: "When the poacher turns to the gamekeeper their voice will become one."



Applications close in six days, if you fancy your chances.



Update, corrections etc:
How long since you posted a letter? asks Llew. He's right. You'll be out 45 cents, not 40. And 90 if you want to send it in an A4 envelope.

And a challenge:
Fat Chance (s), writes a blogger with strong credentials.
Have Pie & Penthouse.
It's Mine!

Details here.

More Dagg, more Trevs, more War

Fred Dagg, your fans still love you. As if there were any doubt. All kinds of email from people about yesterday's post and many of them from ardent fans.

The farther you are from New Zealand, it seems, the fonder the memory.

"I don't suppose you have access to a clip where he says 'Kick it in the guts Trev' at all, do you?" writes David from Seattle. Not that I could find in The Dagg Sea Scrolls, David, but if you point your browser here , I'm sure Noizyboy will be happy to send you a copy of the Fred Dagg Anthology. That must surely have the line in there somewhere.

Ian - born in the UK in 1962, raised in Ponsonby - writes from Barbados that he remembers getting Fred Dagg's Greatest Hits for his birthday sometime in his late pre-teens "and the whole family learnt it word-perfect over the Christmas holidays. Talk about pissed Trev. I was devastated when he went to Melbourne….For me, he was one of the characters who helped define who we were as a country."

I was asking whether the phenomenon has as much appeal to people born after - say- 1965. Emma says she was born in 1972 and can recite the Phone Call sketch word-perfect "until I collapse with laughter and can't speak. Of course, I was born in Taihape, which might be a mitigating factor."

John Shears, on the other hand, who has a few more decades on the clock, says he finds him a bit dated now, He heard him on the radio recently and "couldn't really get wound up. However one Man's Fish is another Man's Poisson. I must be getting old."

John also mentions The War. Here in North Shore City, each ANZAC day they used to haul out a plywood oddity to serve as the memorial outside the council chambers. Some years ago, they replaced it with a proper memorial, which John notes has recently been planted with Poppies which may well be flowering for ANZAC day.

They may not be the true Flanders poppy but I think that the person who organised the propagation and planting deserves a decent pat on the back especially as they will be flowering in the Autumn rather than the spring as they do in Europe.

Oh, but this business of remembrance is an interesting one.

Scott writes that his recollections are much the same as mine.

People mentioned "the war" in conversations and we all knew what they meant. Sunday afternoons in my youth usually meant a B&W "war" film in which the Brits (or yanks) won. The strong anti-war sentiments of Vietnam protesters must have been a shock to the old cobbers but you didn't mention the reaction against anti-Springbok tour protesters. Comments from these old geezers were not what you might call gentlemanly. I tended to think of them as the "get ya bloody haircut ya look like a girl" brigade in which conservative forces of the state eg the police, were always right.

But is my impression accurate? Michael Miles writes:

Your description of RSA members being 'typically on one side of a political divide that stood man to man with LBJ and the USA against the threat of toppling dominoes in South East Asia', may not be entirely correct. I am a true blue baby boomer born 1947 and was of military age when NZ was seriously considering conscription to support the armed conflict in Vietnam. We nearly followed Australia but Prime Minister Holyoake was swayed by the RSA view that conscription would be further unnecessary loss of young NZ lives so close to the end WWII. I am eternally grateful for that decision. I had no wish to be killed fighting for a premise that I didn't believe in.

I believe that the Hawks amongst the RSA are atypical. I had 6 uncles serve overseas during WWII. 5 came home, one is buried close to El Alamein where he fell. The two left alive today (one 88, one 91) still do not attend ANZAC Day services or go anywhere near the RSA. It has only been in the last ten years that both of them have started talking about their experiences. 'Lest we forget' is not for the survivors or participants of conflict. It is for the generations that follow.

He makes a very good point, and I see I was a little loose with my language when I used the word "typically". I remember a hawkishness and a conservatism, but he's quite right: it was by no means universal, and it's possible the characterisation may not accurately apply to a majority of either the members of the RSA, or of course, those returned soldiers who chose not to associate with it. What I'm left with all these years later is the recollection of the political divisions between older conservatives and younger radicals, and the manner in which ANZAC day became one of the focus points for that disagreement.

Ryan Brown-Haysom in a piece in Critic
marking a previous ANZAC day, quotes Professor Tom Brooking, who remembers the days when it seemed that Anzac Day was on the verge of obsolescence.

"People of my generation were quite hostile towards it, and indeed Anzac Day almost died, really. It was getting very peripheral, marginal with the whole anti-Vietnam War movement in the late 60s and early 70s. It became something almost of a pariah to my generation".

The Critic piece has some other useful observations to make.

TV One's coverage of Anzac Day last year ("It was an act of ultimate sacrifice on a windswept peninsula a long way from home …") suggests a greater willingness to swallow the familiar aspects of the Anzac myth than to challenge its implications. Are soldiers the heroes of war, or its victims? Should we focus on individual acts of courage, or on the military and diplomatic blunders that lead nations into war in the first place? And how much does Anzac Day really teach young people about the realities of war? Is it right to 'celebrate' Anzac Day, or should it remain a day of mourning? I don't know the answers to any of those questions, but I think they are at least worth asking.

James develops this further, and I'll leave the last word to him.

…I think it's worth noting that individual reactions to ANZAC Day, veterans and past wars can be more complex than you give credit for. I, for many years now, have attended ANZAC Day dawn services in NZ and Australia (depending on my residence at the time.) But I do so each year weighing up a complex set of competing impressions of our military past. In the end I inevitably attend to remember the generation of my family (although I never knew them) devastated by World War One, and to a lesser extent those done over by the Second World War.

I attend to remember that they died for many reasons: being blown to bits being just one among a set which includes imperial hubris, patriotism, duty, and a youthful sense of invulnerability. I find it quite tragic.

But I do not honour all veterans or all war dead. Down that path lies the notion that one cannot criticise our service personnel, or where they fight, or why. Down that path lies American militarism ? where only servicemen and women and veterans get to have a valid point of view.

I do not choose to celebrate the sacrifice of our military in Vietnam and I have little time for veterans of that action (some of whom now lead the RSA) who still refuse to understand the case against the war. They still act as though they expect the day to come when NZ will wake up, our wrong-headedness having fled our collective heads like last night's bad dream, and magically conclude that the vets were righteous protectors of our national maidenhood from the communist savage and are deserving of an apology for past neglect, and future veneration and worship. I don't buy it - and they are not the reason I attend ANZAC services.

My father does not attend dawn service at all - the last time he attended he was a long haired student laying a black wreath calling for the withdrawal of NZ troops from Vietnam. The abuse and harassment from the RSA that followed still, I think, provokes a lasting ambivalence to the whole ANZAC myth.

It is that conflation of all past service, as though it shared a single moral and political justification or occupied the same billing in the one long running historical, flag-waving, hand on hearts, patriotic, Hollywood blockbuster that bugs me so much about the genuflection at the ANZAC shrine and the reverence towards living veterans of wars I care not a jot for.

The media will, I fear, continue to tell me why I am at dawn service, telling me it's equal doses of thanks for service to democracy and awe at their collective bravery and sacrifice.

It is this rubbish, and the moral simplicity that accompanies it, that will ultimately mean I stop attending.

I will always remember them - but with a complex mix of moral discomfort and sadness. I think kindly of the veterans of WW2 I know personally - but I think it's because I like them as people, not simply for their service - although I am grateful for it. But unquestioning reverence just because someone is a veteran of a war we chose to forget uncomfortable truths about is itself sad and ugly.

Kick her in the guts, Trev.

No New Zealander has made me laugh as much as John Clarke. It might be inaccurate to call him a New Zealander, considering he's been living in Australia almost as long as Germaine Greer and Clive James have been gone from the place, but the man still talks in interviews about the momentary excitement of finding a capital Z as you scan a page - and the anticipation that the letters "ealand" may accompany it.

Never mind whether you call yourself a New Zealander; do you consider yourself a Fred Dagg fan? I'm interested to know whether the words "Ah… yeah, gidday" or the image of a long-haired farmer in a black singlet, shorts and gumboots have as much resonance for the children of the Douglas revolution as they do for those of us who were born before, oh, let's say 1965.

You can be sure that I was sitting in front of the TV last week to watch - and, of course, record for my further enjoyment - the Dagg Sea Scrolls. Right-click here and here for a few brief seconds of copyright material I've prepared for the purpose of this discussion.

"One thing you notice is Fred smoking", Fiona Rae observes in a Listener interview. Just one more way he conveyed his casual disregard for formality. We loved that in an era when the rounded vowel and seemly behaviour still seemed to matter more than ratings.

But the smoking isn't the only thing that fixes him in an earlier time. He uses a phrase that was as familiar when I was growing up as "Rogernomics" is today: "Just After The War".

I was born fifteen years after the Second World War ended, and that whole experience seemed both impossibly remote, and yet also very near and imposing - a kind of metaphysical mist that hung over the outlook of any adult I knew.

They recalled when something had happened by placing it before, during or after The War. And why wouldn't they? It was one of the great convulsions of their lives.

And so in the sixties or the seventies, it was as commonplace to me to hear adults - including a youngish one like Fred Dagg - talking about The War as it was to see a group of Trevs on the TV sitting down to breakfast with half a dozen silver-topped quart bottles of milk on the table.

You don't hear people using the expression very much these days. I hear my parents and their friends still mentioning The War, and understanding which one they're referring to, but I'd guess it would be baffling to your typical ten year old.

There's one part of this nostalgic tableau I haven't yet coloured in, though, and that is the political tension. You could especially find it in the confrontations between people who had been in The War, and those who'd come after it.

The members of the Returned Servicemen's Association were not, as they seem to have become today, the sweet and aged objects of universal affection and veneration. They were typically on one side of a political divide that stood man to man with LBJ and the USA against the threat of toppling dominoes in South East Asia. They didn't, typically, like the hippies and the long hairs and the anti-war protestors. Neither was your typical hippy, long hair or anti-war protestor especially well-disposed to the men in short back and sides of the RSA.

I had my own small taste of this. My high school nominated me as the representative to speak at the local ANZAC day service in 1977. Two RSA members on the teaching staff threatened to resign if I should be permitted to take the podium. The mild-mannered persona developed later, if you're wondering.

Not that I had anything but respect for anyone who had been willing to pull on the uniform and travel half way across the world to pile into the carnage. My grandfather was too young for the First World War, too old for the Second and misrepresented his way into both. His friends at the RSA spoke the world of him, and with good reason. Karren's grandfather went to the First World War with his brother and their father. He and his father came home, but his brother was one of the thousand or more who died at Passchendale. He spent the rest of his life wearing the burden of shell shock.

There are thousands of New Zealand families with those stories to tell and, for now at least, they are part of living memory. But time keeps moving. These days, it’s just the sacrifice that is remembered. The political arguments fade as the servicemen become older and fewer.

Thus we see the ANZAC day dawn parade crowds growing in number. There are no angry protestors, and in their place there are children bearing the medals of their grandparents and great grandparents. Debate about the nature of war, or about current wars, or about the politics that attach to them can be cast to one side as frail and elderly men and women are simply accorded respect because they're, you know, old and that? And they fought in a war and that? And oh my God that's, like, so brave.

I don't mean to question the sincerity of the gesture, but I have to say this: it's one that carries little cost, and you could argue that it asks for little deeper contemplation.

Once all the dust has settled, it's easy to be reverential, even pious. And that’s engaging too lightly, I’d argue. The lessons of war leave some troubling questions for us all. Take a few minutes, for example, to weigh your own moral compass and political suggestibility in this quiz

So memory fades and, as it does, antipathies can be subsumed by respect, even veneration.

The process won't stop there, though. In another generation, inevitably the memories and a sense of The War will have faded still more. Even a family with the keenest sense of heritage and the past will talk in a more detached way about any family member who took part in a war. And they’ll no longer talk about The War - not, at least, until the next one.

It's possible to identify with the sacrifice when you see old men wearing their medals and brushing away their tears. But once those old men are gone, will the young people still be as moved? When they can no longer identify with the young men who went away to war by standing alongside the ones who once did and are now old, what then?

I mention all this, because this has been announced to be the Year of the Veteran, and I read this news with mixed feelings. I hope there's nothing cynical about this: that the goodwill and stirring emotion that have attended the return of The Unknown Warrior and the Gallipoli commemorations of recent years aren't being manipulated for political advantage. If it's to be a whole year of veneration or sentimentality without reflection or introspection, that would be regrettable.

For now, I'll hope for the best and take some comfort from the kind of initiative that sees students being invited to Gallipoli for the strength of historical thought in their essays, and from events like this which Auckland University are offering in their continuing education series. I especially draw to the attention of Messrs NoRightTurn and Selwyn the lecture on sedition.

War is, without question, hell. I'm not sure it's still accurate to assert that here in New Zealand we live in a remarkably strategically benign environment, but I think it's valid to say that we don't know how lucky we are.

High and Mighty

I wouldn't say Michael Laws is some throwback to an earlier era of politician. He's emphatically a modern guy. But all this fulminating about the gangs really does take me back. It's been years since we've had politicians making capital out of shabby thugs in greasy leathers. A generation ago, you could get yourself guaranteed headlines by promising to take the wheels off the bikies. But that all died away.

It's possible the political urgency wore off because the gangs deliberately took a lower profile. According to this article in Biker magazine, they stopped offing each other and having brawls outside burger bars because they had a new business plan. Well, who didn't have the direction of their life changed by Rogernomics?

My gang experience is slight. One time at Sweetwaters a bunch of Black Power guys went by us late in the afternoon and I launched myself into a chemically-compromised dialogue with them. This was one of the many fortunate moments in my young adult life when my mates were in a position to save me from myself.

Outside of that, as far as gangs go, I have consistently surrendered to the instincts of the lesser primate in an alpha male world.

One night in Wanganui we ended up as guests of the Golgothas. I was very careful to mind my manners, but it was relatively benign. Led Zeppelin, Lion Brown, a little weed. For the most part it was indistinguishable from a night in a rough public bar. The DB Frankton springs to mind. I got the mates' warning not to do anything stupid before we went into that one. I also spent a few weeks in 1988 relief-managing the Kaiti Hotel in Gisborne for some friends. The public bar was pure 60s suburban booze barn - leaners; pool tables; no patches allowed, but invisibly recognised by all the patrons. You had some big fuck-off bouncers, and an uneasy calm, but occasionally, there'd be blood. The bottle store had been held up a few times, and there was a shotgun in the manager's flat. Like that would help me.

But that's as near as I've got. The brutal stuff you read in Once Were Warriors or Stone Dogs is entirely foreign to me. I'm happy for it to stay that way. All the same, if one of our celebs were game to do an Intrepid Journey to a gang headquarters for a week, I'd watch. I nominate Matthew Ridge.

There's nothing funny about the harm these people can do, but there is something vaguely risible about the way we engage with them. If being staunch matters to them so much, then we probably need to be consistently staunch back. If that's right, then Laws is probably smack on the money.

I'm disappointed to see, though, that with all this 21st century savvy, no New Zealand gang has yet got themselves a website. Even at the prices Theresa's own gang is charging, broadband's surely not that expensive, not for any seriously-organised criminal.

But mongrelmob.co.nz is not taken. Neither is blackpower.co.nz. Enter hellsangels.com and all you get is some aging biker Frenchmen. I know it would be a very foolish attitude to take with you to Marseille, but I find it very hard to take violent French guys as seriously as the ones who speak any other language. I have no idea why. Perhaps it's because all my French teachers were women. We all have our bigoted little prejudices.

But what about the bro's? Do they not get online at all? Well, go read this this cached Google entry from the Wairoa.com site. Its content suggests that some of them may do.

On the Internet, no-one knows you're a pit-bull or a pit-bull owner, so who knows if the people doing the talking are the real deal or not. It's culturally instructive, whatever the true identities might be.

You can learn plenty about the Mighty Mongrel Mob and its many supporters, as they argue back and forwards with the Black Power and the occasional outraged bystander.

You'll see more Seig Fucken Hiels (and that's only the start of the grammatical impairment) than you will surely ever find on a single web page, along with all kinds of taunting:

Give me your hardest Mobster and chuck him in a den full of lions and I bet he would piss his fucking pants. for that Matter send him to thailand and ask him to try and steal from a shop, and the shop keeper and his family will cut his fucking nuts off with a spoon then fuck him up the arse till even Lance Brogan cried.

Oh, the voice of the people! When Judy was the mother of the nation, did she count these as her children, I wonder?

It can get quite bleakly hilarious, with the occasional encouraging interjection:

I am a University student that is on his 2nd year of study on a 4 year degree course. I have affiliations with the Mongrel Mob. What is the point on coming on here and trying to battle, its so easy to say a lot on the net but in reality if half of you people lived up to what you said, most of you would all be in jail for living up to your words when saying them.

But the coda comes if you browse off elsewhere to, for example, the Parole Board, and read about this poor sod
describing what might stand in the way of his going straight. I can't imagine it's anywhere near as difficult to make the break from Rotary.

Update:

Reader RB of Pt Chev writes:

Nah, mongrelmob.co.nz *is* taken, bro - registered two weeks ago from Wairoa. But blackpower.co.nz is still there if you're hard enough.

The long goodbye

So. Farewell
Then
David Benson-Pope

It looks
As though
You will be taking
An early shower.

Which is what
Alanis Morissette
Would call
Ironic.