Southerly by David Haywood

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Southerly: Dr Lockwood Smith: End of Session Speech 2009

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  • Megan Wegan,

    Is anyone's long hair pulled back in a severe bun? I ask purely for research purposes.

    Unfortunately, my hair is too short to accomplish that particular look.

    It is however messily pinned back using a pen.

    Welly • Since Jul 2008 • 1275 posts Report Reply

  • Stephen Judd,

    Ah, the tousled look.

    Incidentally, does anyone know how to actually pronounce "tousled?" It's one of those ones I only ever see written down but never hear.

    On another note, I think describing David as a "satirist" is really missing the mark. Just because his loopy genius has fastened on people we recognise doesn't mean they are being satirised.

    I think David's that rare thing, a humorist
    who is actually funny.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 3122 posts Report Reply

  • Paul Litterick,

    Incidentally, does anyone know how to actually pronounce "tousled?" It's one of those ones I only ever see written down but never hear.

    It's sort of like "trouser."

    I would tell the hilarious story about my mis-pronunciation of "Pseudo-Dionysius the Areopagite," but you would all think me a pretentious git, if you do not think so already.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 1000 posts Report Reply

  • Geoff Lealand,

    Well, I would love to hear it (or read it).

    Screen & Media Studies, U… • Since Oct 2007 • 2562 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    I would tell the hilarious story about my mis-pronunciation of "Pseudo-Dionysius the Areopagite," but you would all think me a pretentious git, if you do not think so already.

    Which immediately, for some reason, reminded me of this:

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4651 posts Report Reply

  • Bart Janssen,

    Surprise us all and wear a tasteful tie.

    Just a tie mind - we know how warm it can get so nothing else is required.

    Of course that means shaving will take a little longer.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 4461 posts Report Reply

  • Paul Litterick,

    As well it might.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 1000 posts Report Reply

  • Stephen Judd,

    I would tell the hilarious story about my mis-pronunciation of "Pseudo-Dionysius the Areopagite," but you would all think me a pretentious git, if you do not think so already.

    Did he happen to cut links with anyone?

    (Apologies for the in-joke if Megan has not regaled you with the details of an incident).

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 3122 posts Report Reply

  • Megan Wegan,

    (Apologies for the in-joke if Megan has not regaled you with the details of an incident).

    You guys are going to get me in trouble.

    She said, now glaring at you over the glasses and from under the tousled fringe.

    (Right, I am stopping now. Can anyone tell it is my last day at work?)

    Welly • Since Jul 2008 • 1275 posts Report Reply

  • Grace Dalley,

    <wipes eyes after watching Emma's QI clip>

    Oh go on, Paul, you HAVE to tell us now!!

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2008 • 138 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    <wipes eyes after watching Emma's QI clip>

    See the bit where Stephen Fry is doing the whole 'I can't breathe' thing? That's exactly what I looked like while Tom was telling me the 'cut links' story.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4651 posts Report Reply

  • David Haywood,

    Ray Gilbert wrote:

    I got the previous question wrong and let out a silenced but very obvious "fuck"

    Spectacular! You're officially my hero of NZ television, Ray...

    I understand that Lockwood was such an athlete that he could have competed at Olympic level on his own even in the team rowing events.

    The interview and the reading were both delightful.

    Very weird to hear someone else doing the reading -- quite different rhythm to how it was written (though this is not a bad thing, of course).

    Overall I was very pleased, although it encourages me to be more forceful in promoting my legislation against people who think they can do a Scottish accent.

    And thanks for putting up the links, Megan! Also thanks to Stephen for such a kind comment -- possibly the kindest comment on my work ever.

    Dunsandel • Since Nov 2006 • 1156 posts Report Reply

  • Grace Dalley,

    Wait...is the reading not available online?? The interview was great, but I demand to hear the dubious Glaswegiain accents!!

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2008 • 138 posts Report Reply

  • Paul Litterick,

    Overall I was very pleased, although it encourages me to be more forceful in promoting my legislation against people who think they can do a Scottish accent.

    Well, yes; on the other hand, a real Glaswegian accent would have impenetrable to all but a few.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 1000 posts Report Reply

  • Philip Challinor,

    Most disgruntled to hear mine host endearing himself to the public as a satirist while revelling - yes, revelling - in his status as a humorist the whole time. Disgruntled customers who thought the Reserve Bank Annual was the inauguration of a new wave (and/or tide) of New Zealand satire will be queuing up for explanations as to how and why the ostensible Bollard-bashing turned overnight into good-natured ribbing, as between one hardened netball fan and another. I myself would probably be asking for my money back now, if I had paid for my copy instead of snatching it from an infant tourist. There will be disgruntlement, mark my words.

    London, England • Since Sep 2009 • 52 posts Report Reply

  • Bart Janssen,

    It's sort of like "trouser."

    Don't be silly trousered hair is something completely different.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 4461 posts Report Reply

  • Sacha,

    hardened netball fan

    Can still hear Emma reading the intro..

    Ak • Since May 2008 • 19745 posts Report Reply

  • Bart Janssen,

    Ooo, are you going to Shush me?

    Oh, darling, I couldn't if I tried.

    You really can't hint at an in joke like that and just leave us hanging. I'm sure the loyal readers would be happy to have a whip around (not literally get your mind out of the gutter girl!) to bribe Megan.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 4461 posts Report Reply

  • Ross Mason,

    Poor Emma missed out on Parliament 'cos of 'im.

    "No tits please! I'm married! I have enough decolletage of my own now"

    Upper Hutt • Since Jun 2007 • 1590 posts Report Reply

  • David Haywood,

    Disgruntled customers who thought the Reserve Bank Annual was the inauguration of a new wave (and/or tide) of New Zealand satire will be queuing up for explanations as to how and why the ostensible Bollard-bashing turned overnight into good-natured ribbing, as between one hardened netball fan and another.

    I sympathize with your pain, Philip.

    The feeling of 'selling out' comes upon one gradually. First, you take 240 bottles of Monteith's in exchange for playing banjo on some songs, then you accept a little payola for product placement of Briscoes Corporation in your Children's Annual.

    But it feels great! And not only that: it's delicious-tasting beer, and the bed linen is of remarkable quality for such a low, low price.

    So now I'm talking to McDonald's about endorsing a "Satire Burger", and there's a possible book deal with the Tony Blair Faith Foundation. Y'know, cynical satirist investigates 'the facts' and finds that Blair has been misrepresented, and that the real story is that he was a politician of impeccable integrity the whole time. I understand that Tom Cruise is interested in the lead role for the film version.

    Dunsandel • Since Nov 2006 • 1156 posts Report Reply

  • peter sim,

    I was surprised at no mention of exploits with surfing and surfers in those Speedos.
    Great calendar pic (all in the aid of charity, of course).

    levin • Since Dec 2009 • 2 posts Report Reply

  • Phil Lyth,

    Business report James Weir writes with a straight face in the Dominion Post of 26 December:

    Bollard buys up spoof annual

    Reserve Bank Governor Alan Bollard has ways of keeping a lid on details of his mythical double life as a "beer-swilling bogan tough dude".

    He just buys all the copies of the spoof book New Zealand Reserve Bank Annual 2010.

    Downtown Wellington's Unity Books sold all 55 copies of the satirical book before Christmas, leaving an information vacuum for central bank watchers until mid-January.

    The book, by South Island author David Haywood, portrays Dr Bollard drinking a dozen DB Brown before heading off in his ute to "sort out the Briscoes lady once and for all".

    "I don't generally read books containing violence, pornography and tough dudes, but in this case I have made an exception," Dr Bollard said. "Overall I feel it enhances my reputation."

    Asked if he was considering legal action against the author, Dr Bollard said: "I have my own way of getting back at someone I don't like."

    Dr Bollard is not expected to raise interest rates for authors or anyone else until the middle of next year. Aside from that, he can bar satirists from becoming bank executives.

    Sources said Dr Bollard may have bought out all the remaining copies of the book at Unity in an effort to keep it out of the public gaze.

    Dr Bollard said he had only bought "enough to meet all my Christmas present needs".

    Wellington • Since Apr 2009 • 458 posts Report Reply

  • Geoff Lealand,

    Nice one! Some budding author, in search of a fortune, needs now to write an account of the dark side of Mr R. Hide (or is he too transparent)?

    Just back from the Pirongia races (in their 137th year). Scorching heat and the cream of NZ youth in massed array but I like how the betting goes--you buy $1 tickets randomly, then they assign a horse to your number. Spent $6; came away with $18.

    Screen & Media Studies, U… • Since Oct 2007 • 2562 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    Business report James Weir writes with a straight face in the Dominion Post of 26 December:

    So would it freak anyone out if I swore truth Dr Bollard did at one point buy up all of Arty Bees' stock of the RBA?

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4651 posts Report Reply

  • Sacha,

    Say about 55 copies?
    Hang on, wrong shop. Easy on the egg nog..

    Ak • Since May 2008 • 19745 posts Report Reply

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