Cracker by Damian Christie

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Cracker: Flashback

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  • John Farrell,

    Yes....I can see the outline. The subconscious sadness of the potato carvers, as they sense the coming of automation.

    Dunedin • Since Nov 2006 • 499 posts Report Reply

  • hamishm,

    Coupled with the drive and entrepreneurship of the copying machine salespeople.
    Sort of a Waimaukua Kumara Feild War Thing??
    Where does the glamorous K.Blue fit in?

    Since Nov 2006 • 357 posts Report Reply

  • Kadife Blue,

    I can come dressed in a potato sack if need be

    Since Mar 2007 • 16 posts Report Reply

  • hamishm,

    The subconscious sadness of the potato carvers

    I think we have a working title here.

    Since Nov 2006 • 357 posts Report Reply

  • Riddley Walker,

    i like the title.

    i hear the Damian was mentioned in mediawatch on this fine morning in reference to the initial plot-line of this thread. should we start pretending to be grown-up for a while? newbies who google to here may be a little confused by the turns this thread has taken.
    i vote NO. perhaps we could have a bitey potato printing dog high on meths somewhere?

    am heading up to the site now. i hear K will be wearing a potato sack, which has got to be stimulating. my carving skills are poor but my knawing is excellent. have sharpened teeth accordingly.

    m, will be needing plenty of quinine. the gin and tonic doesn't seem to be cutting it on the malaria front. the cave vision is excellent. it reminds me of where the green ants dream.

    AKL • Since Feb 2007 • 890 posts Report Reply

  • Rob Stowell,

    How could D do thiat to this thread? Didn't merc pay the sub-lease? Blimmin' hallowed-out frinkelsteins, we cannot be uncovered now the plot is so far advanced. I have sub-contracted a basement of gnomes to work on the first draft of the synopsis. Milo has eaten and will sleep for a while, but we must move fast on this or the Chermans will cave.

    Whakaraupo • Since Nov 2006 • 2110 posts Report Reply

  • Riddley Walker,

    send me the papers and i'll get it sorted, with m's approval of course (i think he's still in the cave with the Chermans).

    pls don't mention this to Milo, i don't know if i can look him in the eye after what happened in BK.

    AKL • Since Feb 2007 • 890 posts Report Reply

  • Rob Stowell,

    Please, never speak of M or BK again. It's best. There has been a thread view spike, but I fear it's the vultures circling. what was the original thread about?

    Whakaraupo • Since Nov 2006 • 2110 posts Report Reply

  • Rob Stowell,

    If you're drawing up contracts, the gnomes are being paid in mushrooms. Having seen the first draft, I don't think I've been giving them the right sort of mushrooms. It will need some savage editing.

    Whakaraupo • Since Nov 2006 • 2110 posts Report Reply

  • Riddley Walker,

    send it along as soon as you've savaged the mushrooms.
    do the gnomes have a union?

    AKL • Since Feb 2007 • 890 posts Report Reply

  • hamishm,

    Those times with Milo in the jungle will never leave me, but I will not talk of them again. So many good pigeons will not be eating the nice seeds from their feeders tonight...
    It is for them, that we make this masterpiece now.

    Since Nov 2006 • 357 posts Report Reply

  • Riddley Walker,

    lest we forget Eusa, lest we forget.

    AKL • Since Feb 2007 • 890 posts Report Reply

  • merc,

    5700 views and counting, Demon Dory Christ 666 can't have it every which way, he agreed in principal, subconsciously willed me to get more views than that 11000 view thread we did, we must hold him to his unstated word. Beides I have one more trick up my mercurial sleeve.
    I have been digging. I was in the cave with the Chermans and all they wanted to talk about was early Maori potatoes, something about medicine and patents. I got really bored, you know may be large part Kraut but my own people can be somewhat diligent. I left the Cherman's in the cave. I dug my way out, it's OK they have wired the first payment, I have it safe. Milo and I have talked, he's OK, but it's going to take alot of pidgeons to placate him fully, I promised him a covey full of pidgeon souls, he was up with that.
    I have been digging for pidgeon souls to save you people money. I also think I have a first cut scenario for , "Kumara or Potatoe, a Tuber Reflects."

    Since Dec 2006 • 2471 posts Report Reply

  • Riddley Walker,

    great news about the first payment m. and early Maori potatoes are excellent, the best ever.
    i for one am sick to death of people not living by their unstated words so i am glad to see you're holding someone accountable. if only more would. our man with The Copier Knowledge has been getting swiped at by dudsforjaundice elsewhere. i have several unstated potato allusions for him too but they're still half-baked.
    m, can you channel Andy so he can act as our style consultant when we get really rich and famous? it ain't easy being pink, bald and as cool as the Velvets you know.

    btw, a flock of pigeons bedecked with 9mm bandoliers came to me in my dreams last night. they were at peace and bore no resentment.

    AKL • Since Feb 2007 • 890 posts Report Reply

  • merc,

    I must confess, they tried to Christen me at Ruawai, I remember a thermos, screaming and a gaping hole where an eye should have been. Anyway, we need to dig deeper re the Pommes de terre and teh kumara, being as we will be shooting next to the Kaipara Harbour I'm thinking we need to do an analysis of all existing varieties of both kumara and potatoe, including all the colours, yellow, red and purple, I suspect these Cherman's are on to something.
    Meanwhile why is our workload diminishing? I need scripts and I'm thinking Dory might be holding out on us, it's not a nice feeling.

    Since Dec 2006 • 2471 posts Report Reply

  • Rob Stowell,

    It's hard to get good gnomes these days, but there are a lot of them and they have been very busy (too busy). Here is:
    Synopsis draft one.
    The Head of the Martin Luther Agrarian College in Ruawai is a misshaped Ilam Hardy, bulging eyes under a pork-pie hat, little sprouty legs. [Ed. could be played by Bolger? he would nail it and if National win next year it'd be a hedge for future grant-mining] The Head runs the school with an iron fist [Ed. And, to make it controversial, lashings of corporal punishment?]
    An Ahab figure, monomaniacal and addicted to ink, he's writing his magnum opus- A Universal Logic of Types and Complete History of Everything. He is up to page 1,342,334 and has struck a rough patch, which does nothing for his temper. He dreams his work will conquer western civilization. He is quite mad, as we see from his dreams; nubile young Desirees dance before a shining city that rises up, composed of towering copies of his books, glowing in the sun.
    P1 (impulsive, excitable, voluble, warm-hearted and quick-tongued, but sometimes thoughtless or rude [Ed. Oralando Bloom? Or Riddley?]) and P2 (stoical, friendly, but prone to passivity and despair) are shackled to the Gestetner, grinding out page after page of the great work. They live in fear of the Gestetno, [Ed. will this offend the chermans? we could make it the InkPolitzen?] who are extreme nominalists, and despise and fear duplication, printing and mirrors [Ed. They've been reading Borges- I'll extend their working hours] for their ruling philosophy is that everything is unique.
    We open as the Gestetno pound on the door- another raid. Thanks to the school secretary, Mrs John Thomas, the Gestetner is hidden safely and the G leave in a foul mood. But this sets the Head aflame with the desire to finish his work this very week.
    P1 and P2 ponder a page occasionally, and indulge in the consolations of philosophy while the sheets are changed or the machine cleaned, but theirs is a life of almost un-ending cranking. Only the friendship and crusts offered by the kindly school secretary, Mrs John Thomas (forced by the cruel Head to abandon her uniqueness and live by her husband's name) keep their hope alive. They live for the day Deborah, the mythical Cyclist, who makes all one, refuting and conflating the logic of both the gestetno and the head, will arrive and set them free.
    The Head is pushing duplicating technology to its limits, and a vital piece is broken. Then a midnight raid from the Gestetno reveals the secret ink-store. These setbacks throw the Head into a mad rage. Threatening vile torture on Mrs JT (whom he has locked in the meths cupboard) if they do not return successful he sends the Ps to find replacement parts and a new supply of ink.
    After travails too numerous to dictate, [Ed. Could they travel via wordDart and find the ink there?- we neeed to to keep Blog Boosters (tm) up and running, and remember who is writing the cheques] they arrive at Helensville, where, to their astonishment, they find their years toiling with the G on Universal Logic has indeed built a shining book city, loosely ring-bound. The inhabitants have embraced it, abandoned uniqueness and reverted to type, especially stereotype. But it is a monstrous work, over-inflated, verbose, and based on a faulty premise. It is so unbalanced it threatens to collapse at any moment and bring down western civilisation.
    P1 and P2 find the replacement piece, and begin their return, laden with ink and hounded by prejudiced citizenry. Escaping from vultures, [Ed. Couldn't we have a NZ bird? Vultures give me the willies. Perhaps they are attacked by magpies, bloody Aussies, and saved by a giant cave weta- it's good to keep on side with the big boys] they are driven, laden with ink, into the arms of the Gestetno. Only the faultless logic of the mysterious cyclist- who arrives barely sweating- saves them. But when they turn to give thanks, she has vanished.
    Safely back at school, the Ps attempt to correct the faulty premise. They are caught by the Head, who has shackled the G, and prepares the soup-pot.
    Only the arrival of the Gestetno saves our heros from boiling. But now they are all exposed, caught re-handed. The Gestetno pepare their own torture: the forcible drinking of Ink. The stoical P2 astonishes all by drinking quarts of the stuff unharmed. But the Gestetno call for more ink, and it cannot last.
    In the nick of time in bursts Mrs John Thomas swinging a bike chain. For she is IS the cyclist, [Ed. Oh the cliches are flowing fast, but never-mind, its for the mass market?] and her logic is too fierce for the Head and the G. With a couple of syllogisms, a reasonable inference and some chain-swinging, she has the G and the H shackled to the G, publishing the errata that will save the shining city (and make her name in world philosophy).
    In the last scene, Deborah and the Ps engage in light-hearted banter as they wax up their boards and head for piha. [Ed. This is very weak. If L look like winning the next election, lets say it signals an era of peace and co-operation, where nobody cares how much tax they pay and artists and film-makers turn around the ghastly balance-of-payments-thingie, entertaining and enthralling the world. If it looks like N will win: signals in an brave new era of flat taxes, willing workers, new laws relating to serfdom and the deification of middle-managers everywhere. Eh?]

    Whakaraupo • Since Nov 2006 • 2110 posts Report Reply

  • Rob Stowell,

    Riddley those pigeons are very beautiful. Please the fates Milo will never see them. Some of the lazier gnomes have started work on the MerkProduktionz website: very crude, I think. Can you or Merc get the web-team onto it?

    Whakaraupo • Since Nov 2006 • 2110 posts Report Reply

  • Riddley Walker,

    for God's sake Rob, DO NOT let those gnomes out of your sight till i get there!
    the site looks very very good. i feel excited in my waters. i like the deutschetechno und die EuroCash ref - never hurts to be really klar mit dem volk. after what i saw, "Milo's taste for carrion pigeons" (things go off pretty fast in BK) may be closer to the truth, but overall it looks fair to me.

    AKL • Since Feb 2007 • 890 posts Report Reply

  • hamishm,

    Um, Crikey! Greaaat work Rob!!!
    Look, I'm having trouble with the school scenario. I don't see why it cannot be a group of rebel fisherman looking for ways to break the European potato stranglehold in the local Fish and Chips outlets. Ceaselessly they churn out agit-prop on the mighty Gestetner while dodging Gestetno patrols. After many amusing and horrifying scrapes they succeed in making contact with a group of rebel potato growers but a meeting of the two groups leaders is betrayed to the Gestetno and they are captured. They are rescued by the Night Cyclers whose beautiful and enigmatic leader has a modern relationship with the leader of the potato rebels.
    Sample dialogue:
    Potato carver 1: I am filled with subconscious sadness because these potatoes are harming our way of life yet provide jobs in our community.
    Potato carver 2: Do not give in there is a group working to break the hegemony of the European potatoes.
    PC1: You fool do not talk so loudly!!!
    PC2: I was just saying...
    Local Potato Rebel Leader: There is a meeting at the Pigeon warehouse tonight to meet the out-of town-Potato rebels.
    Gestetno informer: My evil masters will pay well for this information. Bwah ha ha.
    End of sample

    Yes it is formulaic but merchandising does not like innovation.

    Since Nov 2006 • 357 posts Report Reply

  • Riddley Walker,

    nice E, the fish and chip angle works.
    perhaps the potatoe carvers carve potatoes because of the Man's strangle hold on the G machines, thus they are doomed to produce their own media only by way of potatoe prints; battling against the comparatively high speed output G machines of their oppressors; an infernal struggle that, like Sysiphus, they cannot win but they dare not give up.
    and beneath all the fish and chips, all the Kumara and new world potatoe variants, the real struggle to get hold of a new high-speed printing potatoe that will threaten the hegemony of the G men.

    AKL • Since Feb 2007 • 890 posts Report Reply

  • John Farrell,

    Now that the country's premier intellectual magazine has opened new fields in the promotion of films featuring animals, we must ask - how do pigeons and hamsters top pigs and chickens? Obviously, potatoes will not be enough. Carrots, or perhaps parsnips must be added. The hamsters should only be told that these are a catering addition.

    Dunedin • Since Nov 2006 • 499 posts Report Reply

  • John Farrell,

    The addition of hints of communications surveillance and GE to the script, the the change of working title to "The Stuffed Potato" should ensure the cooperation of Nicky Hager in the marketing effort.

    Dunedin • Since Nov 2006 • 499 posts Report Reply

  • Rob Stowell,

    Agreed, the fish'n'chips also gives us a fine local angle. We can work paua into it and small fishing community, threatened by the incipient madness of the guru who holds the secret of their award-winning batter. I'll get the gnomes to work in some sex and violence, also references to tangaroa the chemans love that sort of thing), molly-mawks and giant squid.

    Whakaraupo • Since Nov 2006 • 2110 posts Report Reply

  • Rob Stowell,

    Oh dear. The gnomes are not well. After their previous dreadful effort, I changed their mushrooms. I'm sure I've seen pictures of gnomes picturesquely scampering around __fly agaric__, but omigod, the vomiting, and the stench is deafening.

    Whakaraupo • Since Nov 2006 • 2110 posts Report Reply

  • hamishm,

    Rob you have my sympathy, a deafening stench!!
    Thanks for the comments on the Fish and Chip scenario. I felt that if it was a "Vigil" sort of gloomy landscape with "Goodbye Pork Pie" action sequences it could be a winner.
    A sub-plot could be the small community of Spanish Paua divers who live on the edge of town and how the Leader of the Night Cyclers could enlist their hlep in the final rescue of the potato rebels. Their help would be crucial and one of them might even die a Manly death.
    For the German investors should we have some sort of redemption for the Gestetno? A sort of "We were wrong for following those orders, but we won't do it again".

    Since Nov 2006 • 357 posts Report Reply

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