Southerly by David Haywood

Rosemary McLeod vs. Deborah Coddington: The Opera

ACT I: Rosemary McLeod is in her sitting room, putting the finishing touches on a macramé lampshade. A large heterosexual-only choir stands next to the television set.

Rosemary McLeod [spoken]:
Once upon a time
not too long ago,
this was a proud nation
where men were real men --
in the good old days,
before gays...

[She begins to sing] (aria agitata):

They wear designer clothing,
they make their houses arty,
They put on special underwear,
and join the Labour party.

Everyone's gay! Everyone's gay!
It makes me feel quite faint,
Everyone's gay! Everyone's gay!
Except the ones who ain't.
They've got them in the government,
It's not against the law,
I'm sure they're plotting something,
Some gayness I'll abhor.

Who's under-represented in the crime statistics?

The gays, the gays!

Rosemary McLeod:
Who helps to fund hip replacement surgery by paying more tax per capita than any other group?

The gays, the gays!

Rosemary McLeod:
Who needs to mend their ways?

It's the gays!

ACT II: Rosemary McLeod puts aside the lampshade, and begins to embroider a toilet-roll cover. The doorbell rings. Deborah Coddington has arrived -- accompanied by a large non-Asian choir.

Deborah Coddington:
What a beautiful toilet-roll cover! For some reason it reminds me of a little girl I once knew -- a girl called Deborah Coddington.

[She begins to sing her aria d'entrata]:

Gather round, gather round,
There's a tale I must tell,
Of Asian immigration,
And a country gone to hell...

Do tell... Do tell...

Deborah Coddington (aria di sorbetto):
I dislike Asians,
of all persuasions,
At first they came as miners,
now they're poaching our crustaceans.

They've sim'lar looks,
they read maths books,
Take it from an expert,
that they're just a bunch of crooks.

Oh yes!
Their crimes are paid,
by our legal aid.

Likely Lad:
They pimp and they murder,
They manufacture 'P',
I've anecdotal evidence,
That they've given me TB.

Deborah Coddington:
Who's ruined this great nation?

It's the Asians!

ACT III: Rosemary McLeod and Deborah Coddington circle each other warily. Members of the choir perform a threatening ballet routine. The atmosphere of tension in the sitting room reaches a crescendo point.


Rosemary McLeod:
But I absolutely insist that the gays are ruining this country!

Deborah Coddington:
And I insist that it's the Asians!

Rosemary McLeod:
The only reasonable response --
is to stab you with this crewel needle!

Deborah Coddington:
Not if I stab you first!

[They begin to wrestle in a vaguely titillating manner].

ACT IV: The wrestling continues for several minutes. Eventually the protagonists separate -- both of them panting with exhaustion. The doorbell rings. The pizza delivery man has arrived. He works part-time for the pizza company, but unbeknownst to McLeod and Coddington, he is also a full-time member of an Asian homosexual conspiracy group.

Pizza Delivery Man:
Three cheers! Three cheers!
I'm a gay Asian conspirator...

Rosemary McLeod & Deborah Coddington [brandishing their crewel needles]:
Die, you politically correct monkey!

[They plunge the crewel needles into his heart.]

Pizza Delivery Man:
I been stabbed, I've been stabbed,
It's such bad luck for me,
I been stabbed, I've been stabbed,
my great conspiracy
has been foiled,
by needles
designed for embroidery.
This is goodbye!

... oh wait,
I believe I feel
a little better.
[He dies].

Garth George [enters stage left]:
Look everyone -- a rainbow! It's God's promise to send all the gays and Asians back!

Hooray! All our problems are over!